Thanks for the Light

Writing usually does not come easy for me. First, there is study. Then a draft and a redraft to make sure I do not say anything stupid. Sometimes there are bible verses to look up to make sure I do not cross any moral lines and then I have to make sure all my facts are right and my points are clear. But all of that seems really easy compared to what I had to go through to get these words down. It is by far the most difficult short I have ever written. I do not mean to be vague. I just could not bring myself to re-live some of the things that should have been in this story.

Darkness and light. I know what it is like to live in the dark and I now know what it is like to live in the light. Most of my life was spent in darkness. I know a lot about the dark side of life. I have been in the light for a comparatively short period but for long enough to know that I never want to live in the dark again. When I speak of darkness and light, I mean lost and found. I wandered this earth for many years doing the things that should not be done. Going places I should not have gone and being someone I should not have been. I was saved when I was 11 years old. During the next few years, some things happened that made me forget that God loved me and I started down a path that went nowhere. At least, nowhere I wanted to be.

Most of my pain was self-inflicted. I made myself suffer all kinds of torment because I did not think I was worth anything. My life was meaningless. I did not care whether I lived, or I died. I drank alcohol, used drugs, and lived on the streets of some of the meanest cities in this country. I wanted to die, I wanted to suffer, and I probably hurt a few people in the process. I did not hurt anyone intentionally. I was never a mean person but our actions in the world affect other people whether we want them to or not. I was a coward and could not kill myself outright. I came close a few times but I always stopped just short. A small, undeniable voice inside me wanted to live. That voice would tell me about the light side. It would quietly speak to me of things that were normal and right. It was the voice of hope. It was the voice of denied good life. It was the voice of God.

A day came when, during events that I just cannot make myself put into written word, I listened to that voice. The reason I listened is simple. That day was do or die day. I finally realized I did not want to cling to my pitiful life anymore. I really just wanted to die that day. However, God had a different plan for me. One I could not see but that I came to know as a possibility. I had a decision to make, I got down on my knees, and I asked God for help. I told God that if I could make a difference somehow, if my life could mean something to someone, then maybe it would be worth living.

Then it happened. There was no fanfare. There were no trumpets blaring or loved ones waiting to welcome me back with open arms. There was only one person in my life who cared whether I lived or died. (I married her some years later) What happened was that God opened my eyes. I remembered there is a loving Father in heaven that cared and was willing to forgive me. He had sent His son to die for me. His son took all my sins to the grave with Him and left them there when He defeated death and brought hope back into the world. I was reintroduced to the light. The light I had left before I was even 16 years old.

For 19 years, I walked and crawled around in the darkness, passing up the lifelines that were occasionally thrown to me until there were no lifelines left to grab for. And when I finally hit that lowest point in my worthless miserable life, there was Jesus. He knew that I was not worthless. He knew that I was just lost in the dark. He waited for me there at the bottom because He knew that it was only there that I would recognize Him. He brought me into the light again and I am not looking back. I will never forget, but I will never look back. I know this because He is here with me to keep me from falling. He is here to teach me how to live in a world I knew nothing about and I realize now that He was with me every step of the way, waiting for me to give Him the burden. He was waiting for me to get to the point that my stubborn will could become His will.

I love the light. I am living in the light. I have my ups and downs but I know that up or down, He is always going to be right here with me. His Word is at my disposal, teaching me and guiding me. I feel the love that was mine all the time and I refused to receive for all those long years. Thank you, God, for waiting for me. Thank you for helping me to find my way back to you. Thank you for leading me to Faith Baptist Church. Thank you for never abandoning me. And thank you for the Light.