Dingleberries

It's yet another one of those hot, humid nights. So hot that if you had

the energy, you'd throw out all of your sweaters for good. Veronica is

home alone--even her two cats, Boozoo & Chavis, have decided to go out for a

late-night rendezvous, probably in the nearby swamp. Alone at last, she muses, as

she absentmindedly folds some towels from the day's laundry.


She stops for a second to gaze out the dining room window before running

the laundry upstairs when a flicker of movement catches her eye.

Probably just one of the cats she thinks, but then she sees it again.

This time she makes out what looks to be the shape of a person. There is someone

(or something!) in her backyard. An icy feeling of alarm runs through her

veins as she hears the distinct sound of a cat screaming a strangling cry.



She freezes cold, but only for a moment (my babies are out there!) and

runs for the back door. Stopping in the kitchen, she grabs an enormous

knife from the woodblock. Realizing she needs to sneak up on the

attacker, she immediately slows her pace. She reaches the back door and

peeks through the curtains, but she can't see a thing!


The night is as black as ink, and Veronica is starting to lose

control....


Shutting everything out of her mind, she tries to concentrate on

listening - for any sound. She thinks she hears something, but again,

silence.

Then, a cat's weak meow pierces the silence. That's it! and she runs

outside to face the inevitable. On her way out, she trips on a cat toy and goes

tumbling head first into the wall. Shit!!! She scrambles to her feet, rubbing

the growing egg on her forehead.


As soon as Veronica gets outside, she knows something is VERY wrong. The

usual cacophony of the swamp is silent, and at that moment she knows she

will probably not survive the night. "WHAT'S GOING ON?!!" she screams to

the deafening void. Suddenly a bright beam of light points right at her

out of nowhere. For some reason, she isn't surprised at this chain of

events.

Deep inside, she knows she's been on this trip before.


It all comes flooding back.....


Veronica is lying in a bed of what seems like white grass, and there are

birds fluttering all around her. They fly so close, almost touching her,

but she can barely keep her eyes open despite all the commotion. Struggling

against the urge to close her eyes and just end the madness, she realizes she has

to get her shit together.


Beyond the birds, Veronica sees a small group of children. They ascend

upon her like the birds, but suddenly the birds go away and she realizes

that they aren't the birds at all, they are actually the hands of the children

- only they aren't children, they are some kind of bizarre creature!


She is lying on a table covered with a white furry cloth that seems to

keep her from moving. One of the creatures comes forward and peers into

her face...


Oh no, not again!! She screams inside her head. What are they doing?

"What are you going to do to me?" she cries. Help! Help, someone please

help me!" Then blackness overcomes her like sleep to a helpless baby...


She wakes up and looks around, wondering where she is. Oh, I'm home.

Shit, that was a weird dream. "Boozoo, Chavis, where are you?" Her cats

immediately leap onto her bed. That was so real, I can't believe that it

wasn't. But my kitties are both here and I'm ok, so I guess it was just

another freaky nightmare. Why am always dreaming about aliens?


Veronica gets up to go to the bathroom. As she looks in the mirror, she

suddenly feels so overcome by dizziness that she almost faints. She

grabs onto the wall to steady herself. She can't believe this! My God,

my nose is crusted with dried blood! My ears too!! What the hell

happened to me last night? Was it really just a dream?


Then she remembers: the creatures had used a metal-like drill on her

nose and ears. Her head felt like it had been split open and her mouth

was very dry. Veronica starts shaking and slowly sinks to the bathroom

floor. Oh how she wishes her & Brad didn't get into that fight last night. He would

know what to do, she thinks, as Chavis licks the dried blood off of her ears.



Veronica finds herself standing in the middle of her neighbor's backyard.

It's dark out and the last thing she remembers is reading a little and

then going to bed. The air is damp and very still as she scans the sky

for anything unusual. Although she is scared, she feels strangely excited.

She thinks she is figuring out what is happening to her, but it could be

just her brain short circuiting, or something worse. Back in the recesses of

said brain, she knows it must be more than that, so much more than

that....


All of a sudden she is grabbed from behind and dragged backwards into

her neighbor Joby's house. She pretends to frantically struggle because

she realizes that it IS her neighbor Joby who is forcibly dragging her

(which is better than a humanoid bug creature any day!)


She proceeds to let him drag her through his back door (she's a little

horny, you see, and Joby is one hell of a lover, which she personally

learned at last year's clambake.)


"What is happening, Joby?" Veronica cries as he drags her up the steps to

his kitchen. "I just want you to be safe," he says in a way that sends

chills up Veronica's spine. "Do you remember screaming?" He asks. "No,

I don't remember much of anything lately. Did I really scream?" "Yes, it

was awful!


Are you sure you're all right?" He asks, still looking at her funny. His

eyes look like they are throbbing and his hands hold her arms much too

tightly, it hurts!


Suddenly, out of nowhere, Boozoo & Chavis appear and immediately begin

clawing at Joby's screen door. The sound is like anger in Veronica's

ears. They slash their way through the screen like it's made of thread and lay

into Joby, piercing him everywhere with their sharp claws. Joby screams

in agony as the cats shred his skin to ribbons.


"Boozoo! Chavis! What in God's name has gotten into...?" as she is

about to finish her sentence, she notices the wires hanging out of Joby's

neck.

"Why the heck are there wires coming out of your neck, Joby? What's going

on?" Then, under his shredded shirt, she notices a tape recorder.


The first thing that pops into her mind is: "Is this a government job?

FBI, maybe? Is someone using me as a guinea pig?" Then she looks into

Joby's eyes and knows the truth. Even in his mangled state, Joby's eyes are glazed over with something she's hasn't quite seen before. It's not lust, no, but close.

It's like a mechanic lust, not real, but, as she notices the growing

bulge in Joby's pants, very threatening.


Veronica knows she doesn't have a chance unless she can trick Joby into

thinking that she is still hot for him. Instinctively, Veronica begins

to coo into his ears. "OOhh baby, you're all cut to pieces," she says as

she smoothes the scraps of his shirt and tries to push the wires back into

his neck.

"Those silly cats, I can't believe they attacked you like that! Let mommy

make it all better." Joby is turning into butter in her expert hands and

Veronica grabs the tape recorder from him. She angrily bashes him in the head

with it.


"Why the hell are you carrying this around? Just who the f*ck do you work

for?" Joby's head looks like a crazy circus clown's by now and he lunges

for the tape recorder. Veronica quickly sidesteps him and he crashes

clumsily to the floor. "Oooof!" He makes a move to get up, but she brandishes

her butcher knife, and he stays put. "Talk! NOW!"


"Okay, okay, settle down. I was just trying to help. You have been

monitored for about 3 years now. It's the Tanborize Heliums." "Tamponize

what?!"

Veronica is beginning to think she is dreaming all of this. "Joby, what

the hell are you talking about?!" "Just listen, I know it's far out, but

it's all true.


The Tamborize are an insect species evolved from our own praying

mantises. They got so advanced that they figured out time travel and

have come back to create a hybrid race between humans and praying mantises."


"I don't believe this. What is your part in all this, you look like a

robot with all those wires sticking out of you!" "Well," Joby starts,

subconsciously pushing the wires back into his head and neck, "I come

from far, far away. I'm here to save the integrity of the human race (and I'm also

very horny). You don't know this because they use memory screens to make you

forget, but you have actually conceived about eight baby praying mantis/humanoid

creatures. And I need your help to stop this mantis, I mean madness."


"Hellay? I mean "Hello?" Veronica spits out, mouth gaping. "I don't

think I want to help you, but if I have to in order to stop this madness, I'll do

anything. And why in the hell did you get me involved in this mess in the

first place?" Veronica was pissed. "I was assigned to you," Joby says,

"we knew they were seeking you out" Joby hung his head down, he was so

distraught.


"There is no way I had ANY babies without me knowing it!" Veronica

exclaims, as she backs up, trying to get away. Joby grabs her arm so hard,

Veronica can't help but scream in pain.


"Ow Joby, you're hurting me!"


(Three years earlier)

Veronica and Brad sit outside on a blanket, gazing at the beautiful

starlit sky. "We really should do this more often," she coos in his ear, "it's

very romantic." "Sure is, now come over here and give me some lovin'," Brad

says as he rolls her over on top of him. Veronica giggles and bends to kiss him.


All of the sudden, they are encompassed in a bright beam of light. "What

in the world?" they both exclaim at the same time.


The beam of light turns into a vacuum mechanism, and both Veronica and

Brad are sucked into a bright yellow, sphere-like vessel, their screams

lost in the deafening roar. A little trap door closes immediately behind

them.


Dust is swirling madly around them as they are tumbled about in the small

chamber. Finally the machine goes deadly quiet, and the dust slowly

settles at their feet. Light is coming in through a long window, and Brad clears

the dirt from it to peer outside.

"I think we're in a vacuum!" He exclaims. "Get the fuck outta here!"

Veronica says, slapping her knee. "What the hell kind of a date did you

plan and how'd you find a vacuum so huge?!"


Brad looks at Veronica like she's a total fucking idiot and just then, a

big green bug appears in the window. He's tapping at it with one of his many

stick-like legs.


"Aaaagghhhhhhhhh!!!!!" Screams Veronica, "Killll ittttttt!!!!!"


Again Brad looks at Veronica like she's a total fucking idiot. "I ain't

gonna kill that thing, it looks like mah daddy." Brad turns to Veronica

and with a wicked grin he grabs her by the hair and throws her to the

ground.

"Hey! It's dirty down here, I just washed my hair!"


Veronica wakes up from what felt like a restless sleep. Brad is laying

next to her snoring his fool head off. Oh boy, do I have headache! What

happened last night, she wonders. I know we had a little wine and were

looking at the stars, but I don't remember much after that. How weird. I must have

drunk more than I thought.


She kicks Brad, hard, to get him to stop snoring. It's annoying! Ugh, I

need some Advil, and ALOT of water.


Veronica goes downstairs to her two wonderful animal companions. Oh

Chavis, Boozoo, Mommy doesn't feel too good. "Mreow," they say, rubbing against

her leg. "OK, I'll feed you, AFTER I take my advil!"


"Good morning, my sweet." Brad is standing behind her with an odd look

on his face (which is normal for Brad). "Oh you startled me." Veronica jumped. She

was nervous about asking Brad what happened last night. Did they do it,

and she doesn't remember, or did they really get abucted by aliens? These

questions and more are traveling the anals of Veronica's confused brain

when Brad starts to vomit in the sink.

"Brad, are you ok?!" Says Veronica, rushing to hold back his hair (then

realizing he has no hair)...Brad's puke is strange. It looks like a

hundred green jelly balls. One is stuck to his chin when he lifts his head up and

Veronica picks it off. "What have you been eating? Jeez, I hope I don't

get sick too." The ball starts wobbling in her hand and then it pops open! A

little insect crawls out and looks up at Veronica adoringly. It seems to

have her eyes...


They ALL start breaking open in the sink! Veronica screams and throws

the insect into the sink with the others. She is now gasping for air and everything

turns black. Veronica wakes up on the sofa with Brad looking at her from a chair

across from her.

He looks strange, she thinks, but now everything is coming into focus.

"Oh my God Brad, I had the most HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE!" Veronica felt cold.

She couldn't help shaking. "I dreamed that we were abducted by aliens

and that you puked up insect-like alien babies. It was awful!"

Brad thought what a good catch she was. She is really naive. They

were right to pick her.


Meanwhile, a new neighbor was moving in. Brad felt apprehensive about

him. Oh well, if he causes problems, I'll take care of that later. Now, Veronica

has helped us procreate and I am soon going to be Potentate of our nation. What a

great thing to look forward to! Earthlings are so easy. She'll never

know a thing. Ok, got to get back to Ronny girl. "What a terrible thing darling. Are you alright?"

Brad said, whilst thinking of other intriguing things...


Later that night, as Veronica was getting ready for bed, one of those green

jelly balls bounced out of her underwear. "Brad! Look! It wasn't a dream

after all. What's going on?!" "Oh, honey, that's just a green dingleberry!

What the heck have you been eating lately?"

"Dingleberry?!" Veronica exclaims angrily, "That's not a dingleberry, trust

me I know dingleberries and this is definately not a dingleberry." She gets

up to flush it down the drain when it cracks open in her hand. The same

little insect from her supposed dream wrenches himself out. He looks like a

tiny bug man and Veronica is strangely drawn to his hypnotic eyes. He throws

his little arms out as is to hug her and she instinctively moves her hand

closer to her face to get a better look. Just then the little bugger lugs a

slimey goober right in her left eye, then before she has a chance to squash

him, into her right eye! The slime makes her go blind and quite weak. She

feels what must be Brad grab her from behind and prays that he can take care

of her for the rest of her life. Things go blank after that but soon she

awakens to soft music. She's on her bed, the radio is on and Brad is no

where to be seen. She gets up and starts wandering through her apartment. On

the kitchen table she finds a note from Brad saying she'll never see him

again,. he's tired of her silly games. She cries a little but then thinks

about the guy who just moved in. For some reason she's about 15 pounds

lighter. She feels a little crampy and tries to remember what happened the

night before.