March 12th, 2006

March 12th, 2006
In memory of Ramona.

I thought I saw you walk in the room
And it made it worse
When I realized this was your viewing
And you would never
Walk through the door again

I tried to look at your face
Tried to see any trace of you
But you were gone
And what was left
Was just a shell

That's not my grandmother
Was the only thing I could think

I watched strangers come and go
I'm sorry for your loss
And
My condolences
Shallow words
That didn't mean anything anymore

The only people you had loved
Had arrived two hours ago
And cried silently
And alone
We had scattered across the room
Each staring at the ceiling
Or something that wouldn't move
So we wouldn't have to look at each other
Wouldn't have to see the pain

My mother cried the most
Followed by my aunts
My cousins
And somewhere in there
I was losing my mind

It wasn't until two days later
Driving home with my father
That I broke down
Sobbing on his shoulder
Remembering the last thing you said to me
While you still sat in your chair
Weak and tired
I'm trying sweetie
I swear
Because you didn't want to see us hurt

I cried myself to sleep
Thinking of you
Thinking that it isn't fair
Still believing that it isn't real

Every time I look at my grandfather
I want to break
His house is so much emptier
And I wonder how he'll make it by
He didn't cry
He's too old
Too stubborn
Just like you
But I saw his eyes
And they made me want to cry for him

I wish I'd gone to see you one last time
Just to tell you I love you
But you already know
It just breaks my heart
That all my words
All my 'I love you's
Have turned themselves into something else
And now
All I find myself saying is

'I miss my Grammy'

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