Be happy

I hope wherever you are you are happy,
I wonder if you feel proud when you look at your children and see how fantastic they are.
I hope you see yourself in them as much as I do.

I know if you were here you would,
but your not here.
So I have no concept of how things are for you.

Most of all I hope you realize how much you are missed.
And how empty our live are without you.
In two short months our daughter will turn one, and it breaks my heart knowing
you are not here to share it.

There is no sense without you.
As our song says
“I knew I loved you before I met you,
I think I dreamed you into life"
What do I do without you?
I prayed so hard to every version of god I could think of to find someone as wonderful as you.
And my prayers were answered but then they stole you away.
It all seems so unfair.
What did we do that was so wrong that our children have to grow up without you?
On the night before we got married I wrote you a letter. Saying how I had been scared in the weeks approaching the big day.
And how I had asked myself the following questions.

1. How do I feel if I wake up without you?
Scared!
2. Can I imagine my life without you?
No!
3. Does anything make sense when your not there to share it?
No!

And now I find myself living in that place.
And I miss you.
I miss you so much.
I miss your eyes, your smile, the feeling I used to get when you were on your way home. Your knock on the door.

This is just not right we had so many dreams and plans New York (your dream) Machu Pichu (my dream) Sri Lanka (our dream)
To have you for three years was simply not enough.
My heart aches with the cruelty of it all.

I want to joke about bird baths, hear your Tony Blair impressions, and hear you say "I know what you’re saying but...”
Watch you draw cars, watch you watching over haulin and getting a little too excited by it all.

I want to complain about you eating too much mayonnaise, and shriek at you for eating your steak so raw its crawling off your plate.
Come home please.
Please.
Even though I told you every day I loved you it still wasn’t often enough.
Three years wasn’t long enough.
There arnt enough tears to show you how much I miss you.

On New Years Eve I had the most awful nightmare. I woke you up and you held me for hours while I cried.
Now I am living my nightmare but your not here.
I am lost and scared.
Every part of me aches for you.
I just hope you don't feel all of this, where ever you are.
The thought of you feeling like this is one I cannot bare.

So please hold me when I sleep.
Visit and let me know your here.
And be happy because one of us needs to be.