I SHED A MILLION TEARS

         
                                                  I SHED A MILLION TEARS

I 've shed a million tears since I heard Carissa say the words,“I could never forget you, GranMom.  I love you.”  Sweet words.  A promise.Those few words, spoken ten years ago by my granddaughter, eased the pain that seared my heart.  Carissa spoke them to me at the end of our last telephone conversation, November 1998.  After that, her mother would not allow her to contact me.

Carissa will soon be twenty years of age.  The year that she was born, my son, Master Sergeant Tracy Patterson, and her mother were divorced while he was overseas in the United States Air Force.  Knowing that he would be absent from our state, and even the country most of the next twenty years, together we enlisted the same attorney, Mr. Paul Buser of Boise, Idaho.

Mr. Buser was a pioneer and specialist in Family Law.  We explained to him that we wanted to ensure that Carissa and her siblings would have the right and privilege of visiting their extended paternal family.  At that time, no legal precedent gave visitation or other rights to grandparents.  Mr Buser was determined to pioneer a precedent that could help grandparents throughout America.

Carissa was a baby at the time, however her older siblings, Logan and Arianna, already had developed loving relationships with their father’s family, including grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. We wanted to be sure that those relationships continued during subsequent years, even though their father might not be always be present to exercise all of his parental rights.  Believing that the children deserved that privilege, both Mr. Buser and I were determined to do our best to make it possible.

Even though he was served with divorce papers while on leave from his station in the Philippines, it was impossible for my son to be present during the months of negotiations required to determine the numerous elements of the Divorce Decree.  I participated in every attorney conference, and my son maintained contact with his attorney and I by numerous telephone calls.  The most contested element in the negotiations with the children’s mother was my determination to allow the children the right to regular visits with me whenever it was impossible for my son to be available for visitations.  She wanted to isolate them from both their father and his family.

The Divorce Decree that was presented to the Judge included the visitation rights we sought.  The Court ordered that the children had the right to visit their father every other weekend, when he was available.  Otherwise, they had the right to regular visitations with me every third weekend, holidays and school vacations .  My name as paternal grandmother was entered into the decree, inside parenthesis, each time his name was included---except for references to the divorce and child support payments.  This legal precedent has since made it possible for other grandparents to acquire legal rights for visitations with grandchildren in divorce or death of an adult child. 

During the years since the divorce, my son has served his country in the Philippines, Spain, Korea, Greenland, Desert Storm and various states.  After the Judge’s Order, their mother was required to allow the children to visit me every third weekend, half of each year’s holidays, one month during the summer and certain special days during the year.  As often as possible, my son was present.  With the children, they were wonderful years. With their mother, they have all been turbulent years. 

Our visitations were important in the lives of the children, especially when there were problems or male residents at their home.  I can still hear their wonderful chant when, as small children, they saw the giant yellow water tower in Meridian, Idaho, as a sign that they were on their way for a visit at GranMom’s house for a weekend or longer.  There were many times when I knew that water tower represented safety and security. 

For most of their visits, their three cousins and their friends from my neighborhood greeted them with plenty of excitement---one day there were 14 children playing with them.  The plethora of activities we shared together at parks, playgrounds, swimming pools, and other recreational locations were numerous.  Together we shared birthday parties and special trips, including trips to California to visit their paternal great grandmother and other extended family.  They often had ‘sleepovers’ with their aunts, uncles and cousins or best friends.  I wanted their life at my home to be as normal as possible.  The summers when their father was able to spend his annual leave with them were extremely important and special for them.

While there were periods of time when their mother was reasonable and even positive in her relationship with me, more often she was angry and unreasonable.  Her home periodically included a male resident and at those times, hostility and resentment inflamed our relationship.  One man whom they were required to call “Dad” took his hunting knife and cut into pieces the new shoes that I had purchased for them and they had joyfully worn them home.  One Mothers’ Day when they wanted to arrive home early to be with their mother, he angrily put 7 year old Logan on the roof of a shed and made him stay there for hours---it was Idaho’s hottest day of the year.  One day a man threw him down the hall as if he was just a sack of garbage.  One time because of fear in their home, the children were found walking along Interstate 84 to walk to GrandMom’s house, 8 miles away.  At times when the children were subjected to physical or emotional abuse, I was thankful that they had the privilege of visiting my home, a place for peace and fun.

The most significant, damaging event that permanently damaged 5 year-old Carissa emotionally was when she watch the hunting knife cut her shoes to pieces she heard loud damning statements about her GranMom whom she loved dearly. Three weekends after that ugly event, I picked the three of them up on Friday afternoon and drove directly to the special playground, which they called “Tracy Dad’s playground” because my son---their loving father---often took them there when he was home for  summer visitation.  That day, Carissa sat silently alone at a distance from all of us.  She seemed to be curled up inside herself in great sadness.  She was extremely scared of telling me what was wrong. 

Logan and Arianna eventually overcame their fear of telling me what had happened and described the incident that had occurred in their home.  Even with all the love and attention that I gave to Carissa that day and thereafter, she never seemed to recover emotionally.  A silent sadness replaced underpinned her usual cheerfulness. 

During her tenth year, Carissa’s mother and lawyer boldly lied to a judge, and caused him to order an end to scheduled visitations.  However, he ordered that they be allowed to visit me whenever they requested to do so.  Thereafter, no visits were ever allowed by their mother.  I shed a million tears during those years. 

In 2005, during a visit to Idaho from my Oregon home, I learned that after high school graduation, Carissa had left home and was working at a restaurant.  With hopes that I might see her, I stopped at the restaurant.  My precious granddaughter was speechless when she first saw me; however, after our visit and hug, I reveled in the joy that the words that she had spoken to me so many years earlier remained true. 

Those wonderful words still ring in my ears and in my heart, “I could never forget you, GranMom.  I love you.”  They have replaced the millions of tears of so many years.


SIDEBAR:
         Grandparents are often prevented from visiting grandchildren after the divorce or death of an adult child.  Since the 1985 Judicial Order in my son’s Divorce Decree, grandparent visitation rights have been granted to other grandparents in the country.  Among them were friends of mine in Boise, Idaho, who had not been allowed to visit their grandchildren after their son had died; nevertheless, they gained that right even though the children lived in Arizona. 

To a Reviewer:
Thank you for sharing in my heartache by reading this.  I have not seen Carissa or Arianna since 1997.  Their mother was so evil that she taught them to hate both me and their father.  As an adult age twenty, I learned where Carissa worked and delivered The Velveteen Rabbit as a gift to Arianna and a photo album of pictures of them having fun at my home; because of the evil teachings, she sent it back with a note that "if anyone in the family every mentions me to you and I find out, they'll pay." Her tone was exactly like her mother's hateful tone.  When I saw Crissa at work as a waitress that day, she hugged me, but chose no further contact; probably cause her mom to get made at her.Carissa chose not to be in touch with any of the family including me and I still shed some of those tears wishing I could meet her and her husband and her baby, Audrey Rose. 

Thank you for your thoughts.  You've touched  my heart. ANN, Carissa's GranMoM