Understanding Teenagers Part 1 & 2

Part 1

Ah, the great age of puberty is upon us. The time when our children lose their senses and sensibilities as they strive along the path towards adulthood is here. For most children, this begins around age 10 and continues until young adulthood at 18. Children undergo not only physical changes, but emotional changes, and can become very sullen and angry.

After spending a great deal of time with a teenager the last couple of months, I have come to the following conclusions. First, I, as an adult, am never right. Second, I cannot say or do anything that might jeopardize the independence of the teenager. Next, if caught doing something that seems to betray this teenager, I am NEVER to be forgiven. And, last, I will never understand what the teenager is going through (even though, I was a teenager less than fifteen years ago).

Times have definitely changed since my youth. Each child reacts to life differently during puberty. I embraced my teenage years. Although we were poor and often had to do without a lot of the luxuries that I would have liked, my parents did everything that they could for their three children. I was active in my school. I enjoyed the challenge of learning. I had a steady boyfriend and I got to go out to spend time with my friends. While I am sure that I had my ups and downs, my parents will tell you that I was a good kid. The main interaction I have these days is with my teenage sister. We will call her Sally.

Sally is moody. She is frustrated and angry a lot of the time. I find it hard to communicate with her, as I don’t know the language. There are 13 years between Sally and I. In most instances, especially that of teenage Sally, 13 years is a lifetime. The answers to her teen angst lie in running away from her problems. Sally is unhappy at home. She has no support from her friends. The solution, she feels, is to run away and move out from home. Away from her parents, Sally thinks that life will be much easier. While I have tried to explain to Sally that adulthood is immense and hard, she feels that living at home with her parents is too hard, their rules too tough, the conversations too dull and the chores too much. No amount of discussion can sway Sally’s opinion.

So, how do parents deal with teenagers like Sally? While some parents are lucky and have children that become great teenagers, some parents get the sullen, angry, brooding teens. As I often tell my mother, this too shall pass. One day, Sally will no longer be a teenager. The hormones that are controlling her mind will loose their grip on her sanity and she will be free again (at least until motherhood hits). Take life day by day. Take time to spend one on one with your teenager. Talk to them. I know that is trite, but really, how long does it take to arrange a sitter for your other children and go to lunch with your teenager? Those times spent alone between a teenager and their parent mean the world to them. Regardless of what they say, 9 times out of 10, your teen is molding their adulthood from what they see from you. Give them something to remember that money cannot buy. A moment of your time on a regular basis can make all the difference in the world.

Part 2

One of the great mysteries of parenthood is what becomes of our wonderful children once they reach their teenage years. Why do our children suddenly become radically independent and take to following their peers instead of their parents. When it comes to developing their personalities, pre-adolescents mold themselves around the examples set by their parents. Teenagers, for the most part, take their lead from their peers, copying the fashions, attitudes, fears, and strengths from them.

My sister Jennifer asked me why her son acts like other teens. He was such a sweet child, she will say, and now he is aggressive and obstinate and doesn’t act at all like he used to. For Jen, I say, remember when you were a teenager. How many of us took up smoking? Cursing? Got angry with our parents for no apparent reason? Peer pressure is exactly that, pressure to be like your peers. Few children feel the need to stand out amongst the crowds and those that want to fit in, they follow the strongest leader. I don’t think there is a good reason why this is, but surely it is a rite of passage that all children must go through before adulthood.

Wouldn’t it be nice if all teenagers were like the kids from the “Leave it to Beaver” era? John and Sally coming home with news of winning the spelling bee, and making the cheerleading squad for the basket ball team. Mom is in the kitchen preparing a pie for dessert after the nice homemade dinner of pot roast with carrots and onions and fresh baked biscuits. Dad walks through the door at precisely 5:10 p.m. with his coat slung over one arm and his briefcase in the arm (ever wonder where his car keys are?). Over dinner, the children share their day with their parents and then after clearing the table (Mom washes the dishes); they head upstairs to finish their homework. On Friday night, the whole family goes to the basket ball game to cheer on Sister as she cheers on the team. Okay, so maybe life wasn’t really that simple, but it would be nice. Instead our families are more like “Dawson’s Creek”. You have some children raised by single parents, some dealing with divorce and infidelity, some being raised by grandparents. Dealing with the pressure to have teen sex , do drugs, drink alcohol, make good grades, apply for colleges, and maintain a “reputation” are just a few of the new pressures that kids go through. Applying that knowledge is it any wonder that our children are grasping for attention and struggling through issues that confuse them and intrigue them? Some children will be totally different as adults from what they were as children, I know of two such instances. A few children will continue a path of self destruction once they reach their majority. For all children, whether they are strong enough to be leaders or just flow with the crowd, good parenting and patience will go a long way toward self-discovery.

In the end, all children face change as they enter their teen age years. They will undergo even more drastic changes once they enter high school. Parents will, often times, cease to be their main role models and instead they will look up to other, older, more creative individuals. Given time, however, most teenagers will have discovered their identity within a few years and will know who they are and who they want to be when they grow up.


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