Heartache For Joshua

One year ago
On New Years Day
I gave birth to him
So tiny, so small, so fragile
Yet strong with each and every touch
To have him and not hold him
Each minute of each hour, each day
Such heartbreak to be home and not have him with me
It's more than any mother can stand
To not be able to sing him to sleep
Having to give him a kiss good-bye
Instead of one good-night
Four ounces was all he needed
Hope was all that I had, had
Him in his lonely cradle
Or clinging to someone not his mother
His brother in his bed to sleep
His father still at work,
Seeing him every now and then
And me lying restless, so empty in my bed
Calling at one in the morning
Just to see how his day had been
Ten days of heartache and worry
When will he ever come home
So joyous the day when he came home
And every day since then
All those days of not being there
Tore our bond apart
But today, this day, it's stronger
Much stronger than it had ever been.

This poem was published in an anthology a few years ago. He is now 10 and we have a lot of problems, but we get though each and every one with a grain of salt knowing what could have been.