Train of Conciousness

I want him to know. 
I really do.  It’s not that I can’t trust him; I trust him more than anyone in the world.  I just am afraid. 
I’m afraid he’ll be angry that I’ve hidden this from him for so long.
I’m afraid that he’ll worry about me, especially when I go overseas.
At least behind these lies they create for me he has no idea and is protected. 
I’m fearful if he knows it may put him in jeopardy. 
I really love him and I wish we could just share every aspect of our lives together so that when God decides to remove one of us from this Earth the survivor can serve as a true living testament of one half of a beautiful whole that existed for that one moment in time. 
Oh I’m losing it. 
I can’t tell him. 
I just can’t; not now. 
I’ve withheld this part of me from him too long. 
It’s no longer just a small detail to reveal, but the revelation of an enormous equivocation that for all intents and purposes may no be called a lie. 
No, I will not tell him tonight. 
I’ll just keep packing my bag for my “business trip” and maybe I can tell him when I return. 
This trip is only a day. 
It shouldn’t be too hard. 
I’ll just tell him when I feel he is ready to know. 
Now if I could just remember where I put that silencer.