Review of Beowulf - Wait For the DVD

Beowulf - Wait For the DVD

The epic poem of Beowulf (Circa 800-1100 A.D.) is credited as being the first known work of literature written in the English language, and after seeing this less than epic movie, I’m glad for the ability to read.

The saga takes place in 5th century Scandinavia and tells of a Germanic Viking hero who comes to the aid of the Danish king, Hrothgar (Anthony Hopkins), to rid him of the rampaging demon Grendel (Crispin Hellion Glover—George McFly, Back To The Future). During his attack, Grendel decimates the King’s men, but spares him. As the poem goes, Beowulf (Ray Winstone—The Departed) does battle with the creature in Mead Hall, a gathering place for celebration and fornication according to the movie. After Grendel devours several of his men, an egotistical and self-promoting Beowulf mortally wounds the demon by ripping off its arm. Returning to its lair, it dies in the arms of its mother (Angelina Jolie). Grendel’s mother (she has no name) then returns to exact revenge and kills all but two—Beowulf and Wiglaf (Brendon Gleeson – Mad-Eye Moody, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire), trusted friend and ally to Beowulf. At this point, the movie goes “Hollywood.”

In a shameful abuse of creative license, the scriptwriter’s departed from the original poem. Beowulf seeks to destroy Grendel’s mother, who is more shape-shifter than demon, and upon entering her lair, an all but naked Angelina Jolie seduces him with promises of immortality and power, as long as certain conditions are met, in exchange for a son. Returning with the head of Grendel, Beowulf lies, bragging he killed Grendel’s mother.

Now we find out that Grendel was the bastard son of King Hrothgar who carries a curse because of his mating with Grendel’s mother. Bequeathing his kingdom and his Queen (Robin Wright Penn – Jenny, Forrest Gump) to Beowulf, Hrothgar commits suicide and the curse now falls upon the new king.

Decades later, conditions of the deal are violated and a vengeful dragon threatens the realm of an aging King Beowulf. He does battle with the dragon (his bastard son) killing it, but dies in the process. In a short death scene, Beowulf bequeaths the kingdom to Wiglaf. As the burning Viking ship that is Beowulf’s burial vessel sinks to the bottom, a mournful Wiglaf stands on shore to see Grendel’s mother appear and kiss the dead body of Beowulf. As the ship disappears beneath the water, Grendel’s mother and Wiglaf gaze at one another as the movie ends, leaving the audience to draw their own conclusions regarding the continuance of the curse—ala Alfred Hitchcock.

The battle scene between Grendel and a naked Beowulf is reminiscent of Mike Myers in his Austin Powers role. The scene is a direct rip-off of genitalia hidden by seemingly random people, places and things footage, and borders on the comedic. Beowulf was human, but one would never know since the CGI driven action shots gives him the agility, speed and strength of Spiderman. Personally, I think Stan Lee should sue. The animation was a Shrek-like facsimile of a video game, and it seemed the animators became lazy, programming a single sequence of running horses, and then doing a cut & paste to stretch it out.

In spite of the considerable talents of John Malkovich, Anthony Hopkins and Angelina Jolie, this movie falls as flat as Beowulf’s drunken warriors after a mead orgy. Save your money, and if you must see it, wait for the DVD. The only thing good about it was the popcorn.

2 Stars

Future reviews:

Iron Man – Marvel Comics

You have to hand it to Stan Lee. Adapting his comic books to full-length films using a mixture of established actors and newcomers brings in the bucks and turns the latter into household names. Robert Downey Jr. stars in the lead role of Iron Man in the upcoming release slated for May, 2008. If this one is anything like the others, I’m going to find myself eight years old again for about two hours.

http://www.ironmanmovie.com/