Horrorscope

In an era when lifts talk to you with American accents, the Chinese are drinking Coca Cola and people are queuing at McDonalds in Russia, the ancient study of planetary influences on our lives seems slightly out of place. You can’t help but wonder just how much can be achieved by earth-bound astrologers who star-gaze and study their astro-charts while the superpowers are up there planet hopping.

The day-to-day and month-to-month horoscopes published in books and magazines seem to tackle the finer emotional, mental and physical aspects of our lives with more vigour than we could ever muster. Despite rampant scepticism, it is simply how you want to interpret it. People still turn to their horoscopes first thing in the morning to reassure themselves that there is a higher power at work.

A blurb which says something good is on the cards can give many people a more positive approach to their day. And if the forecast is negative they can shrug it off as silly superstition. We can interpret the most miniscule prediction as an integral part of our daily routine and maintain complete faith in the mystical powers.

When they say a short trip is favoured, you know it is time to walk to the shop to replace that carton of sour milk which has been sitting in the fridge for three days. And when it says the sun close to Venus will bring spiritual enlightenment to romance, you naturally apply it to that disastrous date you had with the budding accountant who made you want to join a convent.

And just when you think everything is going fine, you’re told a confrontation is going to lead to turbulent changes, that friends will become a burden, loved ones will be deceitful and your financial standing is about to hit rock bottom.

To help sceptics gain an insight into the workings of the horoscope, I have compiled a list of interpretations of well-used phrases.


Make career plans for the future.
You’re about to get the sack and had better work fast to make sure you’re not left out on a limb.

Love takes on a mystic dimension today.
This sounds intriguing – since when hasn’t love been one big mystery?

An aggressive person may try to influence you today.
How many aggressive people do you know who don’t try to push you around?

While there are major upheavals on the home front, partnerships are favoured today.
This could be every girl’s nightmare – you’re left standing at the alter on your own after your fiance disappeared with the honeymoon tickets to Hawaii.

Seek spiritual enlightenment from a friend.
You might as well spend the night in a sleazy bar with a new friend – someone else is in Hawaii with your fiance.

Love enriches your life today.
Forget about your fiance, concentrate on your love for ice-cream.

Revise health routines.
You’ll need to after all the ice-cream and spiritual enlightenment.

Don’t overspend today.
That means no more ice-cream or spiritual enlightenment.

A day of disillusionment.
Don’t believe your horoscope.

Be wary of unusual developments today.
This means you are going to develop a stomach ulcer and sever case of acne after all that ice-cream and spiritual enlightenment.

Pursue ideas, plans or projects discussed in the recent past.
This could mean absolutely anything, so just ignore it.

This is an emotionally intense time, so beware.
The threat of confrontations at work, financial setbacks and fated romance is enough to make anyone feel a bit shaky.

Don’t panic.
It’s not as bad as it all sounds. Try palm reading.