Those Who Trespass Against Us...

An open letter to transgressors...

You and your ilk have injected your poisoned influence into many lives; certainly not just my own. But with the approach of the holiest Season of the year, and given that none of us can be certain of earthly life beyond the here and now, today is the day I've taken up my pen to speak to each of the most notable of you. Whether you hear me or not is unimportant; all that matters is that it will have been said ~ and that it is the unvarnished and therefore inviolate truth.

I'll address you in the order of your appearance in my life...

To a mother so cold, detached and emotionally undemonstrative, distant, and predisposed to mood swings, incapacitating depression, anxiety-generated blinding headaches, obsessive demands, extreme anger and volatility, and physical and emotional abuse: I wept many tears as a child, dreaded and feared your dark times and the bruises and bleeding they wrought, withered in the shadow of your need for power and control, suffered the isolation and belittlement of my classmates and neighborhood children because of my unkempt and unwashed appearance and that of our home, and longed for your attention, approval, pride in me, and love. To this day, I remain vulnerable on many fronts in terms of self-confidence ~ and your abiding penchant for undermining and shaking to its very foundation the intangible treasures I've labored so hard to stockpile, maintain, and rightfully claim as my own.

But from you, I also learned right from wrong... honor, grace, and dignity in the face of all alarm... that we are all equal in the sight of God, regardless of race, color, creed, or status in terms wealth vs. poverty, physical beauty and prowess vs. less than thus, and exceptional intellect/intelligence vs. below average or challenged. From you, I learned to accept personal responsibility, the value of earning an honest dollar and spending those dollars on the important and not the frivolous, and being the sole, unlikely breadwinner for you and my brother and sister ~ and in these, the meaning of selflessness and generosity. From you, I learned how to be a true and unconquered victor, not a victim, in terms of the same endogenous, bipolar depression that was my genetic legacy, and pain and obstacles encountered throughout my life. I learned that life is precious, that I and I alone am the captain of my ship, regardless of those who would see its sails set for a doomed course, and that personal growth is my duty and responsibility throughout my life... and I began acquiring and honing the skills of re-grouping, sorting the chaff from the wheat, and re-attaining objectivity in ways that would prove to be my salvation for all my years to come. With those precious lessons came the genesis of inner strength, courage, and perseverance in the face of adversity. Lastly, you also gifted me with precious memories that I choose to relish and cherish and let shine for me so brightly as to wholly emasculate and vanquish the harm that the dark times would see done... magical recollections of times, though fleeting, when the storm clouds parted, relinquishing their terrible power to the warmth and security of the sun, and we children joined you in a brief oasis of peace and tranquility, dreams, humble celebration, gaiety and laughter, and the sheer wonderment of small miracles.

To a substance abusing, pathologically narcissistic, sociopathic father: You abandoned your two daughters, one six months old and other age two, after my mother discovered that you'd transmitted an STD to me. From then until the age of ten, when I learned that your sister had fatally shot her husband in the back, my only knowledge/memories of you were you referring to my newborn sister as "another Goddamn girl", the crunch of your footsteps on the gravel driveway, slam of a car door, gunning engine and spinning tires on the night you left us, and that you remarried and had two more children; both sons, one with horrendous intestinal birth defects and one suffering terrible emotional problems ~ both of whom you also later abandoned, along with their mother, as well. You never paid one dime of child support for any of your children, despite court orders to do so, and failed to attend your own father's funeral because you feared you'd be arrested there for non-support. When I was 14 and you requested visitation (because, we eventually realized, you wanted to win over your wealthy family), you touched and did things to me in ways no one should touch and do to any child, and eventually walked out of your daughters' lives all over again. The last words you ever spoke to me where when, at the age of 26 while I was visiting my mother's home, you telephoned to speak with her. When I, not recognizing your voice after all those passing years, asked you, "May I tell her who's calling?", you stated your name and asked me, "Who is this?" When I answered, "This is Kelly"... even though my name was extremely unique at the time of my birth in the 1950's and just happened to be the name of your firstborn child ~ you responded... "Kelly who?" Even after that, I never could bring myself to abandon hope that you would change and come to love us as a father should... hope that never died until, at the age of 28, I learned of your death in a seedy motel by means of an accidental, alcohol and illicit drug overdose... and wept inconsolably at the loss of all that could have been but never was.

But from you I learned that the bad things done to me, even as a child, cannot and do not influence who I am unless I make a conscious choice to allow them to... nor in any way befoul all that I presently am and will forever endeavor to work toward being. You've taught me that being a father and a man has nothing at all to do with sperm donation ~ and everything to do with slaying your own personal demons in order to love, nurture, and support the children you've brought into this world. Moreover, you've taught me that what was written upon the slate of my childhood is neither indelible nor irreversible... that slate can be resolutely and irrevocably wiped clean, the only words and deeds allowed to remain thereon entirely at my command. Above all, you taught me that hatred is a corrosive, parasitic, and deadly force that masquerades as an empowering Solomon, an archangel of justice, and/or a healing acquirer of retribution ~ all while stealing the very breath of life from the hearts in which it finds a foothold and fortress.

To the grandfatherly non-relative who seemingly took a genuine interest in me, took me under his wing, played with me at the park, bought me a brand new Brownie Scout sash and beanie to complete my hand-me-down Brownie uniform... and repeatedly molested me: You left me utterly confused about what loving a child really meant, betrayed my trust and innocense, seized upon the worst imaginable advantage of my naivety, and caused profound grief and sense of loss when, realizing that other adults were growing suspicious, my "Fairy Godfather" vanished into thin air.

But from you I learned how to become more discerning about those in whom I place my trust and my reasons for doing so, instead of refusing to ever trust anyone again... and never to sequester myself from all the priceless treasures that genuinely loving and being loved has to offer. I learned that truly loving is real and lasting and never the progeny or minion of personal issues or agendas.

To the man who raped me, nearly took my life, and left me pregnant with a baby girl miscarried at five months: You brutally and callously inflicted physical and emotional scars on me that required everything in my power to endeavor to heal ~ and a portion of the physical injuries you left in your wake not only stole away the life of the baby you created; it also rendered me forever unable to bear another child.

But from you, I learned how much of a treasure ALL children ~ regardless of how they were conceived ~ truly are... and what a precious gift and proclamation of God's hope for and trust in mankind they represent, as well. I've learned how to love, nurture, support, encourage, celebrate, and become the wind beneath the wings of children and my fellow man. I've learned that, just like that of my dear little Megan Kathleen, souls never die ~ and that they abidingly await a joyous reunion with us when our own earthly lives come to an end.

To long-ago co-workers who committed an unspeakable assault upon a black man who was helpless against his restraints, your numbers, and your violent onslaught... and was later proved innocent of the accusations that prompted your atrocity to begin with: Because I bore witness against you for these acts, you and your brethren leveled harassment and acts of deadly force against me and people I loved and/or cared about, culminating in burning my home to the ground and killing all but one of the beloved pets inside it.

But you also taught me that being regarded a a " Hero " is not all-encompasssingly contingent upon any given profession and/or the wearing of that profession's uniform. You taught me that our Judicial system is foundationally sound, albeit at times flawed and inherently unfair. You and your brethren demonstrated that the wrongs of the majority can sometimes overpower the righteousness of one or a small but courageous few... but only for a fleeting moment in eternity's measure. In the end, justice always emerges as the unconquerable Victor... be it in earthly life or life thereafter. You taught me to change the things I can, to first examine my own failings, flaws, and shortcomings and endeavor always to eradicate those found within myself, to abidingly champion that which is right, no matter what the possible consequences/outcomes ~ and that in such battles, surrender is never an option. You taught me that silence born of fear is the child of cowardice, deceit, and implied support/enablement in disguise ~ and the singularly most powerful ally of every evil thought, word, action, and deed.

You are, as is true of strands from every person and experience encountered in life, intricately woven throughout the tapestry of my existence. But the choice of which aspects of you and/or your deeds will play what role in my life remains solely my own ~ you hold absolutely no power over me in that regard, and you never will. In the legacies each of you left me, there are facets that, like a meager sprinkling of diamonds scattered among trillions of ruinous and bloodied grains of sand, the eyes of my spirit remain able to discern... so that I may consciously retrieve them each, wash them clean, and tuck them away to forever live on in a grateful heart and soul.

Some of you have passed from this earth. Some of you have escaped humanity's judgment and consequences. Some of you may even have found your way and rehabilitated the proclivity for wrongdoing once so much a part of your persona. But all of you will answer to a Power and Being infinitely surpassing that of man ~ just as every human being must ultimately do. And that is more than enough for me... it is my everlasting conqueror of despair and wellspring of serenity and peace. Insisting that wrongdoers acknowledge their deeds squanders emotional resources and precious time. Telling those not seeking forgiveness that you forgive them is futilely self-serving. Quietly forgiving and moving on is a gift to God ~ and yourself.

And so I can sincerely and unabashedly say to each of you ~ and each person like you I've encountered since and will surely bump into in the future ~ that I've no desire or need to determine or witness your punishment, if any, or play any role in directing or condemning your destiny or fate. Those determinations lie exclusively in the Hands of a Creator and Entity far more omnipotent than I or any other human being could ever aspire to be. And in this, there is sweet release... by it, I am left unfailingly and consummately unfettered ~ free to soar, laugh, live, love, give, receive, explore, discover, learn, grow, and know goodness and peace ~ in preparation for the time when I too, face my Creator and His contemplation of my earthly life.

© Copyright 2007 Of Fire Born ~ welcome, 2012! (UN: of_fire_born at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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