Joy To The World

The streetlights came on silently as he shuffled through the snow and he stopped a moment to watch the yellow glow edge its way into the oncoming night. As he looked up at the light a snowflake drifted into his eye so he continued walking.

It was Christmas. Christmas Eve to be exact. It looked like other Christmases. There was snow, Christmas trees shining in front room windows, lights on houses, and people coming home with their arms full of packages but it didn't feel like other Christmases. It should have been the same but this Christmas was different. This Christmas he was alone. His daughters had moved away, living their own lives, as they should. They couldn't know the emptiness that enveloped him. He couldn't begin tell them.

It wasn't supposed to have happened like this. She was so much younger. He wasn't supposed to be the one learning to live alone. It had never entered his head to even consider it. The husband always went first. It was some sort of rule, wasn't it? Men weren't meant to have to deal with this.

As he walked down the snow-covered sidewalk, his footsteps made almost no sound. It was evening, not many cars out now. Most everyone was safe and warm in their homes, with their families. He walked with his head down, his hands in his pockets but walking and breathing the crisp air felt good. It made him feel alive. He walked slowly, wanting this to take up as much time as possible.

His destination was the shopping center up the hill from where he lived. It was a short walk and he had always done his Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve. She used to hate that. She would remind him every day and he would always smile and say, "I'll take care of it, don't worry." Unfortunately, she did worry. It was her nature. She worried about everything, her husband, her children, her mother. Worry killed her. She worried herself to death. What was merely a trite saying had become his reality.

So, here he was on Christmas Eve, on his way to the gaily-decorated string of stores. He reached the top of the hill sooner than anticipated. The back parking lot of the shopping center was just across the street. He stopped a moment, turned and looked back down the hill. All the houses had their lights on, spilling warmth into the darkness. Everything looked so bright and cheerful. It was as if the night smiled. Why did Christmas seem to make everything so much brighter? He turned back and, putting a determined foot forward, crossed the street.

He didn't really have any Christmas shopping to do. He just thought it might help to do something he'd been used to doing; something that was a part of the pattern of life they had developed over the years; something that was a part of her. Christmas was definitely a part of her. She loved the decorating. She loved cooking the things they only had at Christmas. She loved the gaiety.

She should have had a happier life. She was born to laugh and dance. It seemed he gave her none of those things, but Christmas was her time of joy and she loved every minute of it.

He came around from the back of the shopping center to the front of the stores. All the windows were decorated and the cold, clean winter air made the lights seem even brighter than usual. All the people walking along in front of the stores, going in and out, were smiling. He began to move slowly along the neatly shoveled sidewalk, looking in the store windows, not really seeing. She had loved to window shop; he always hated it, but here he was. He could remember her chattering on and on about the things in the stores, the people she saw, chattering on and on. He used to close his mind to her voice; the things she was saying seemed so useless, so unimportant. If only she were here now, chattering, filling up the void. He longed to hear her voice just once more. If only he could hear her voice just once more. If only they could have one more day, one more word. He couldn't remember if he had ever told her he loved her.

He looked up abruptly, becoming aware of his surroundings. He had walked all the way from one end of the shopping center to the other and he had seen nothing. He took a deep breath, turned and started back down the sidewalk. He knew when he reached the end again he'd go around to the back of the building, across the parking lot and back down the hill. He'd return to his house, return to his particular emptiness.

He began to walk even slower, trying to put off the inevitable. A family hurried around him as his pace slackened. It was just a family, a mother, father, and two kids. Even without seeing their faces, he could see their excitement. Christmas is truly a time for children. They were so busy. Christmas would be here in just a few hours and there were still things to finish.

For a moment, the years melted away. He was a young father with two small children. There were things to do. There was laughter. There was... there was. Those days were irretrievably gone.

His step faltered. Perhaps this had been a mistake. He stopped and put his hand against a store window to steady himself. His vision blurred as he watched the family ahead of him turn and begin to move off the sidewalk towards the dwindling lines of cars in front of the stores.

As he watched, one of the children pulled his hand from his mother's protective grasp. The little boy stopped walking and turned around to face him. The little face stared up at the older man's and their eyes met. The boy then walked a few steps towards him and stopped. The man's sight cleared as he looked down at the small face. The little face smiled up at him, his blue eyes bright with excitement, and his cheeks cherry red from the cold.

"Merry Christmas, mister," the little boy said happily and, suddenly, the man smiled.
"Merry Christmas," he answered softly. He looked over at the mother. She was smiling too as she watched him and her son. He smiled back at her. The little boy turned and ran back to his mother and the family moved on their way.

The man straightened up as he watched them cross the parking lot and pile into a battered station wagon. It had gotten dark. The stars were twinkling brightly in the black sky. He took another deep breath and resumed walking. He realized that it wasn't quite so cold anymore.