The New Yorkshire Times
In days of old town criers crowed the news of current times;
of Lords and Kings and other things by citing clever rhymes.
But olden verse needs new rehearse if keeping with events,
'cause reality shows where anything goes has set new precedents.
Take Ol' bard Joel, a worldly-wise soul, for a witty old bard was he.
Said to little wife of Mabel while they sat at breakfast table
having porridge with their early morning tea:
"Since my aim is to amuse, I shall read the daily news
using English rhymes deranged.
Thus, I'll spoof amoral capers paraphrasing from the papers
of how modern times have changed."
TV preacher, bible teacher,
fleeced his flocks. Cleaned their clocks.
Chased another looker. Turned out was a hooker.
Sinful shrew. Shame on you.
Simple Simon was a pieman making lots of dough.
"But not with pies," said Simple Si, "my shop's a front for blow."
All day long came loser, boozer, triggerman, thief.
Then user, bruiser, underworld chief.
Little Jack Horner, sent to the corner
to watch for black and whites.
But hookers baring wares drew his lustful stares,
now his gang is being read their rights.
"Basement Barry, apothecary,
why do your sun lamps glow?"
"So Mary Jo weeds, my coca leaves,
and poppy pods all can grow.
These metered flasks and filtered masks?
For makin' meth and blow."
While Prez was in the oval room
messin' round with Moni.
First Lady fumed, impeachment loomed,
dang Press revealed his honey.
But now that Hill's in big-boy shoes,
the Press reports with snickers;
'His game's the same,' amused the news,
'still chasin' White House knickers.'
Lynnsie's in another jam, her drug test proved up snow.
Now everywhere that Lynnsie went, the Feds were sure to show.
They followed her to town of course, where likely she got high.
And there the sheriff nabbed her source, now Lynnsie's out supply.
Peter Peeter, repeat beater,
had a wife he'd last mistreat her.
Fell asleep upon the couch,
woke up less his testes pouch.
Tom Taum, the biker's son, stole a Hog and tried to run.
But fled the scene in rainy weather,
found him crushed in sun-dried leather.
Thieves have money plenty, their pockets' full of dough.
Five new fancy T-Birds stripped in a row.
As the parts are processed, the fence he gladly pays.
Off to shopping malls again, need four-door Chevrolets.
And here's an old woman who'd quit turnin' tricks;
too old to work in brothels, much less compete with chicks.
So she sent her oldest daughter and brother Moe as pimp,
out to work the corner stoop so she won't have to scrimp.
"'Oh piddle piddle!' said a dealer in the middle,
'you're a g-man undercover.'
Found guilty by his peers, judge gave him twenty years.
Now he's in the slammer as Big Bubba's lover.
"Says here my dearest Mabel that in Motown by the lake,
half the cops are under paid, the rest are on the take."
"'Hey, there black man, have you any crack?'
'Yes sir, yes sir, triple dime sac.
Dime for my dealer, another for my pay.
One for the cruiser cops to look the other way.'
"They have a crooked Mayor who milked the crooked trades
by rigging crooked contracts and bribing crooked aides.
He paid off crooked judges and twice-as-crooked clerks,
then forced his crooked bagmen to split their crooked perks.
"Slippery, slithery Don.
The only witness gone.
The judge decreed, 'mistrial indeed!'
Snickering, sniggering Don.
"Petty crime thief had lost his teeth
in fisticuffs with a cell mate.
Now minus his bite, refuses to fight
with anyone twice his weight.
"Two doper dodos went to the ghettos
to buy a few baggies of crack.
Got robbed of their dough, including their blow,
and all but the clothes on their back.
"Mobster's lawyer paid the judge off.
Mobster's lawyer got the case tossed.
All the Don's power, all his button men,
kept the wily gangster out of State pen.
"Three blind vice; three stained vice.
No more legit. See how they split.
They're seizing the dope from collared guys,
then pocket the spoils not tagged as buys.
Have you ever wondered how narcs survive
as three trained vice?
"Handed teller open tote demanding all her cash.
Five and twenty bank notes, she gave him half her stash.
Bragging he's in clover, but dye pack snuck in place.
Now he's red all over, it blew up in his face.
"Now the papers say out west where the sunsets are the best
and the ocean meets the sand.
'Tis a place called tinsel town where the strangest ones are found
running loose 'round La La land."
Tooty Frooty, twinkled-toed dude
kissed the boys but girls refused.
In the bars where lots o' men stag,
Tooty Frooty's dressed in drag.
"All across the border they fled,
the Juan's that stole the diesel.
They found the rat who tipped the Feds.
POP! they whacked the weasel.
"Another priest is goin' down, offed his gown, kissed kid's crown
while in his rectory.
Father Joe now wears a frown, is not around; he's downtown
charged with a felony.
"Mary had a little lamb,
a rather shocking yarn.
It's obvious she teased the ram
by baring bottom in the barn.
"Little Miss Wanda, revving up a Honda
daring any dragster that she saw.
Along came a Spyder and peeled out beside her,
but both were caught speeding by the law.
"Wee Willie Winkie liked to show his pinkie.
A pervert out again on bond, teased the boys of which he's fond.
He'd flash his digit as a lure; t'was not his finger, that's for sure.
"Madge and Meg went off to bed, holding hands together.
Madge lay down as Meg came round
with whips and gothic leather.
With braided thongs and rubber dongs,
they both climaxed each other.
"Psycho man, freed from jail.
Delayed killer case out on bail
with a black jack, slash 'n hack;
victim number four.
Why's this nut out stalking more?
"Well I'm sorry to disclose, but there's no more twisted prose.
But if wait 'til evenin' tea, sixty channels on TV
will flood the air with freaks and crime-filled shows."