Lovebirds

I woke up in panic with a jerk, covered in cold sweat. It ran down my forehead and down my body, sending a shiver through me. I was panting heavily, the terror still fresh in my mind. I quickly looked around me and saw the dark walls of my room. The saw the dark outline of the things I owned, scattered around me. It was then that I realized that it was just a nightmare. There was no danger anymore. I wasn't running for my life anymore. I was safe. I breathed a sigh of relief. I had escaped. I was back in reality, where things, the for the most part, were okay.

I lay back down on the sheets, wrapping the blanket around me tightly. I turned on my side and stuffed my head under my second pillow, facing the wall. It must have been a dozen times that I've had this nightmare. The actual dreams were so vivid. I could remember how I would think that I was in real life, that I KNEW it was real life. But when I awoke, the memory would be hazy to me, only a rough outline of it left in my mind. But the horror of the nightmare remained. That was still very real; that lingered within me even after I awoke. And it seemed that lately I was waking up closer in closer to death, until one night I would finally be killed. What happens when one dies in their dreams? I shuddered at the thought.

My nightmares always ended the same way. The beginning would always be different, but the end of them always came. I couldn't even remember how my dreams began; it really isn't important anyway. At the end of my dream, I would be walking through the forest at night. I held a flashlight and moved very swiftly, trying to find a way out, but I never did. I can remember that I would always have a paralyzing fear as I moved through the woods. It was because I had no idea what could be right ahead of me, what could be lurking ahead any tree right in front of me. Then, I would hear a low growling sound, and that would be enough to send me running. I was never sensible enough to stand still in my dreams. I always ran, not looking behind me. I could hear the creature crunching through the leaves and the undergrowth, chasing after me. I could hear it get closer, growling and snarling as it ran. Then I would hear a moment of silence, the one that occurs when it is no longer on the ground and instead leaping at me. I would scream, and the dream would end. Always. That's exactly how it was, all of the time. I never find out what animal or beast is chasing me, though. To tell you the truth, I'd rather not know.

And these nightmares didn't even belong to me. It was someone else's real life nightmare, passed over to me through me dreams. But he only had to go through it once. I had to live it over every time I slept at night.

I sat up on the bed and reached blindly for the picture frame on my nightstand, feeling around for it in the darkness. I grabbed it and stared at it in the pitch black, even though I couldn't see it. I didn't need a light to look at the picture. I knew what he looked like, I could imagine it in my mind. His thick, dirty blonde hair that would cover his ears and swing back and forth over his eyes. The blue eyes that were always so bright and happy. They were always full of energy. That was all the picture showed, just his head. Behind him was the multicolored backround, because it was a school picture. He was smiling, no worries at all in his face. No signs of stress or hardship. He didn't know what would happen to him. He had no idea what fate had in store for him. He was ignorant to his future, and that was why he was so happy.

I stared at the picture for what seemed like the longest time. I felt a painful strain in my eyes as tears began to well up in them, blurring the small amount of vision I had. I felt that lump in my throat as I began choked up with sadness. I closed my eyes, trying to hold back tears, but I felt the drops accumulate behind the lids. God, don't cry, I said. Tobias wouldn't want to see you sad like this, he doesn't want you to mourn for him. He would want you to be as happy as he was.
But one cannot simply control their emotions by will, and I opened my eyes and cried my heart out silently into the pillow. I gave up, I couldn't hold back tears. I wanted to mourn for him. I wanted to let it all out. I felt that terrible sorrow within me, like a huge weight bringing my body and my mind down. It pinned down the sadness; it wouldn't let any other emotion come close. There was no spark of anything else, only the turmoil of sadness, taking over the inside of my mind. I felt pain in my face as tears rolled down my cheeks, staining the pillow with the salty drops. My cries were muffled, and only I could hear them. I beat my fist into the mattress as anger slowly worked its way under the weight inside of me, mixing with the sadness. The anger that comes with the delirium of sadness from losing a loved one. Why did you leave me?! I screamed in my mind. You made me happy, you gave me joy whenever I was with you! You had no right to leave me alone like this!. The anger began to take over the sadness as screams mixed in with my cries, screams of frustration and anger. How could you leave me behind, how could you die on me like that?

I sobbed on for a while until was face was wet with tears and there was a huge blotch in the pillow. I tried to cry some more, but all of my tears had run out. The feelings of sorrow and anger began to melt away as I began to breath heavily. Only an empty, hollow feeling was left inside of me.

"I'm just a girl in high school," I whispered to myself. "I shouldn't have to go through this sort of pain..."

It was at that moment that I began to think about how it all happened, and I began to wonder whether or not if I could have done anything about it. If I could have possibly saved him. I didn't want to think about these things; They would only make me feel sad all over again. But I couldn't stop my mind from wondering. And eventually, I began to think that it was my fault, that I should have done something. With that feeling came that of extreme guilt and regret. If only I could've helped him, then he would still be alive today. It's all my fault. My fault...

Perhaps I would feel different when morning came. Maybe I would actually feel happy instead of the guilt that tore me up inside. I would simply shrug my shoulders and tell myself that there was nothing I could have done about it; that it wasn't my fault. That what had happened was over, and nothing could change it. I would accept this and I would move on. But right now it was night, the time when darkness casts its sad shadow over one's thoughts to make them gloomy and pessimistic. This I knew. I knew that my thoughts were skewed at this hour of night, but I still thought the same thing. I didn't try to reassure myself. I wanted to feel sad.

Maybe things would have gone the same way, I thought. Maybe my presence would have done nothing to alter the course of destiny. But I didn't even believe my own words.

It was just a camping trip.

That's how it all began.

He and some friends just wanted to get out for a weekend and camp out in tents by the lake. He wanted to have a good time with his friends, just like all kids do. He was so excited that he always talked about it. He talked about all of the water ski-ing and swimming in the lake they would do. How him and his friends would talk and laugh by the open campfire at night while the night was illuminated by the moon and stars. They would roast smores and hotdogs; they would sleep in a tent underneath the starry sky, talking about who-knows what before they would finally sleep. They would hear the crickets chirp and the trees rustle in the wind; the sounds of night. He talked about these things; he said he couldn't wait for the trip. It sounded really fun and I wanted to go with him, but he said he didn't want me to. He said that he just wanted to spend some time alone with his friends and that I would just distract him. "Besides, don't we spend enough time together?" he said. He tried to say this as nicely as he could, but I was still hurt. Who wouldn't be, and why would he tell me about all those great things if he didn't want me to come along? But I realized that he was right. I was being foolish. He didn't mean to hurt my feelings; he still loved me more than anything else. He told me this, and he promised we would do something as soon as he came back. My hurt feelings washed away with those words, and I soon felt happy for him. I went to the bus station with him the day he left to say goodbye. We hugged, and soon he was off on a bus to the campsite. I smiled as I watched it drive away, then I went home. I didn't think anything would happen; why would I? I never thought about it. Why would anything go wrong? People are so used to being everything okay, and can't imagine anything out of the ordinary happening. That's how I felt.

I remember when I heard the news that he had gone missing. His friends said that he had gone to the lake late that night for whatever reason. They said that was what he liked to do. But he never came back. His friends didn't even notice he was missing right away, they fell asleep and thought he would return soon.

And he never came back. Morning came, and he was not in the tent like he should have been. His friends looked around, and when they could not find him, they quickly went into a panic, and they quickly called for help. But not even the officials that showed up could do anything. They couldn't find him right then and there.

At that time, there were two theories. One of them was that he somehow drowned in the lake. The other one was that he got lost in the woods and the way back and was attacked by some creature. By my nightmares, I knew it was the latter. I knew he had died in the forest, I just didn't know what killed him. I never saw the creature chasing after me in my dreams. Never, not even a glimpse.

I can hear the shrill ringing of the phone that day in my room. I remember putting down my pencil and walking over to my nightstand to pick up the receiver. Of course, I didn't think that it would be anything out of the ordinary.

Well, I thought wrong.

A serious voice then asked my if my name was Latia, and I said yes. Then came the words that made my blood run cold and infected me with the sickness of worry and dread.

"I'm sorry to tell you this, but it seems that your boyfriend Tobias has gone missing."

As soon as I heard these words I panicked, and my heart started to beat uncontrollably. Then a flare of anger sparked up. How could he speak so casually about Tobias disappearing, as if it were completely normal? It seemed to me that he thought that Tobias was just a word, not a name.

But I kept my anger under control, and the sadness quickly took it over. I agreed to meet the investigator tomorrow so that he could ask me some questions, even if it was the last thing I wanted to do. If it could help Tobias he found, of course I was willing to do it.

I put down the receiver and instantly burst into tears, after holding it in for what seemed like forever. I threw my myself on the bed and sobbed onto the pillow, just as I had tonight. I could feel my whole world shatter inside. Even though we were just in high school, Tobias and I loved each other. Our relationship actually meant something, unlike all of the other fake ones, the ones who hold hands with phony smiles. I could feel my insides hurt and my mind tear apart as I cried my heart out, letting it go in great big sobs. I didn't try to reassure myself. Id idn't tell myself that he was just missing, not dead, and that he could return at any time. To me, missing was just as bad as dead. I cried uintil my eyes ran dry and my face was blochy with tears, hurting from all of it. I fell asleep after that, almost in a trance. All of the sobbing had worn me out, and I drifted away into a fake, peaceful slumber. As long as the dreams are happy, the sleep is always an escape, even if one's life is in turmoil, just like mind was.

The next day brought no good news. My interrogation didn't help the investigator at all. It was still a mystery. I didn't know anymore than anyone else did. Tobias didn't tell me some secret. The investigator asked me if there was any reason Tobias would commit suicide or run away. "Of course not!" I said, a flicker of anger running through me. Understandably, my emotions were hardly under control, although I faked acting calm. He would never do that. He was always so happy, so full of life. If he he wanted to die, he would have told me. He told me everything; there were no secrets between us.

Right?

Maybe there was another reason he didn't want me coming with me...

He was searched for endlessly. They sent helicopters over the forest. They sent divers into the river. They even brought out blood hounds, but they couldn't pick up his scent. He had vanished completely. It was a baffling case, and also a very frustrating one. "People just don't disappear!" the investigators would shout. They were people of logic, and this case wasn't logical at all. On top of that, they had no lead, no starting point at all. No clues at all, completely in the dark, and the search was called off within a month. He was never pronounced dead, just missing. There hasn't been a funeral yet; some people still have hope.


But of course, since they hadn't found a body, I still had hope. No one had proved that he was gone forever, so I held on to a withering thread of hope. No matter what anyone says, a lover will have hope, and defy logic by having it. And over time, that hope faded way, withering into nothing. And then, one thing came that erased my hopes forever.

The dream, the same one I had tonight, exactly the same. The dark forest, the creature, the fleeing, everything. I woke up just like I had tonight, covered in a cold sweat. It was then that I knew he was dead. Something had gotten him. But this revelation hardly affected me; my hopes were already dashed, and they couldn't get any lower.

After the tragedy, a black veil covered my mind, blocking out any trace of happiness I could even wish to have. It was like his soul was restraining me. Whenever I would try to do something fun, I only felt a dull shell of happiness, because Tobias was still lurking within the borders of my mind. But that too faded over time, and now it's easier to be happy. Now, I only feel sad on nights like this, when I break down.


Why did I just think everything over again? Did I want to feel sad? Was it human nature to feel like nothing occasionally?

Well, it didn't matter now. I was done reminiscing. I had to let out all of my sorrow. I closed my heavy eyes, finally ready to fall asleep after this long, distressing night. "No more nightmares," I whispered. "Please, no more."

And in that trance between sleep and consciousness, I heard the flap of wings far away. I barely heard the sound of something swooping in through my window, and I hardly felt the grip of sharp talons on my arm.

"Alania."

I didn't open my eyes. "I must be dreaming," I thought with a dull, heavy mind. "I won't open my eyes, it'll just turn into another nightmare..."

"Alania, it's Tobias!"

"It's just saying that," I thought. "It's a trap. It's a nightmare." I remained motionless. It couldn't be him. My hope had vanished a long time ago, I wouldn't let it come back only to be broken again.

Then I felt a shark pecking against the side of my head, and the pain convinced me that it wasn't a dream. Wearily, I opened my eyes and turned on my lamp.

I found myself staring into the fierce yellow eyes of a hawk perched on my arm. Right then, I swear it tried to smile.

"It's me, Alania."

"Tobias?"

Was it really him? The one I loved who I thought was dead, back? Alive? I suppressed the biggest rush of happiness I had ever felt. No, I didn't want to get my hopes up. And how could Tobias be a hawk? Had he changed somehow? Was I going crazy?

"You don't believe me, do you?" it said sadly.

I didn't say anything.

"I'm the one, Alania. I'm the one that disappeared on that camping trip. I'm your lover, and I've missed you very much. I've been extremely heartsick for you."

It was him.

I knew it now, and the happiness I had been holding back surged back into me like water through a broken dam. I grabbed Tobias and squeezed him delicately with affection. Everything, all of the pain I had ever felt, all of my internal scars disappeared. It was as if I had gone back in time, and he had never vanished at all. The happiness I felt clouded my thoughts, as if I was high on a drug. The relief made everything go away.

"Tobias!" Tears came to my eyes, and my voice choked up. "Why did you ever leave? What happened to you?" I nearly screamed with joy.

Again, he tried to smile. "I'm different now. I've been gone because I've changed. I'm sorry I had to leave you, And I'm sorry that I can't be as happy as you. I'm a hawk now, and we hardly have any emotions."

"But I can still love you, Alania."

Affection surged through me as I was touched by these last words. It made me think of that past, and all of the other times he had told me he loved me."

"Oh Tobias, whatever happened to you?"

He looked away from my eyes. "I'd rather not say. I just wish..." he paused.

"What is it?"

"I just wish you could be like me. Maybe..."

He wanted me to be a hawk, just like him. He wanted us to be one and the same, so we could love each other freely forever. So we could fly together, and coo into each other's ears.

"Is it possible, Tobias?"

"Alania..." he gazed into my eyes. "Would you give up everything for me? Your human life, everything you know of right now? The things you love, the things you need?"

I didn't think twice about it. "Of course I would. I have nothing more than you. I would do anything for you.

He hung his head, and would've sighed if he could've. Then he reached out a quivering wing, and I took it in my hand. So we could be one and the same, so we could be lovebirds forever.