Dear Daughter, I'm Fine

It was a gloomy day with an approaching thunderstorm. The boom of thunder felt like a foreboding of things to come. Perhaps she should turn around and go home. But that would change nothing.

Going through the gates, Selena is stopped at the guard house for an ID check. At the main entrance her purse is searched. She finds herself chewing her lips and there is a fine tremor in her hands. Why? She is the visitor, the innocent one.

Selena Richard lines up with grandmas, moms and children of various colors waiting anxiously in line for visiting time. No one could be as nervous and unsure as Selena. This was the most important decision of her life. She has wrestled with God in prayer over it.

Selena's mind travels back to the day that drastically changed their lives and brought her to this point. It had started with robin blue skies and promises for the future.

Her daughter, Angela, was taking a driving license exam once again. On the way there, she kept up a constant flow of conversation plus the stereo was tuned to an iritating hip-hop station. Selena knew how nervous Angela was so she tuned into her daughter and tried to ignore the music.

Roger was at home planning a "Congratulations" party. He was always positive. If she did fail he would turn it into a "Better Luck next Time." They owned a catering business so parties materialized frequently at their home.

Angela was Daddy's little girl. That very morning she sat on his lap and he recited all her accomplishments so far in life. He knew she was nervous.

"You didn't think you would make the cheerleading squad. You could fly through the air, babe."

"Daddy, I might fail again".

Roger wrapped her in his protective arms. "You won't. I will not allow it!"

When they arrived at the DOT and her number was called, Selena gave her daughter the thumbs up sign and received a half smile. A half hour later, she returned with a jubilant smile; as if she glided on wings.

Selena felt conflicted. After all it is another rite of passage towards becoming an adult and a little pull at a mother's heartstrings.

Angela called her Dad.

They arrived home, greeted by pink streamers and silver mylar star balloons. Then there were tea sandwiches and shrimp with cocktail sauce, cheese balls, crackers and Selena's spinach dip in dark bread. It would be finished off with Roger's specialty, chocolate fondue with fresh fruit and pound cake.

Angela's close friends had been invited and most brought a date. There would be no alcohol but a great raspberry sherbet punch and a DJ friend, Hi C, was spinning discs by the pool.

Angela was ecstatic with joy. Her Dad was the best. She changed out of jeans and was radiant in a red cotton dress with silhouette hearts and spaghetti straps. She had fair skin with freckles and hazel eyes.

The sun was a glowing ball as the golden rays picked up the highlights in Angela's strawberry hair. Selena reached for her daughter and cupped her chin.

"Do you know how special you are?"

Selena was forty before they stopped working so hard at their business to consider children. There were four miscarriages and a thousand tears. Finally they turned to a fertility specialist. Their life was ruled by sex when the clock said so, a thermometer, injections, calls to Roger.
"It's time, hurry home!".
All costly but worth every penny. They were blessed with a kind and beautiful daughter.

Selena was brought rudely back to the present with loud voices around her. She is patted down and gives up her purse. Then she goes through the final security gate at the prison.

Roger doesn't understand why she is doing this. What difference could it make? His answer is spending nights drinking a six pack in front of TV. Ever since the tragedy, he was like a windup toy. He goes to work, occasionally eats the dinner she cooks and then falls into his lounger. He doesn't want to talk about it or seek out counseling like she had.

Selena could not live that way. Father Bennett tried to help and he discouraged what she was doing. But it was going to take something drastic to heal this atrocity.

The iron door swings closed behind her. Her heart begins to race. She feels trapped, like a mouse running in a maze trying to find an exit.

This is a horrible life he must live. He deserved it but, by the grace of God, it could have been anyone. She had done some very stupid things in her youth, after all.

Selena wants to run. Her hands are clammy and shaking.
She picks up the phone.
Behind the screen is a skinny young boy, eighteen, with sad dark eyes and acne.

He speaks in broken English, " Sorry, Senorita, I wish I was to die!"

Selena wants to scream. "I wish it had been you!"

She tightens the grip on her rosary beads then speaks rapidly.

"I forgive you. May God forgive you."

She puts down the phone. It is over, she can breathe.

Walking back through the gates, Selena allows herself to remember the rest of that day. The day that Angela had won and been proud of herself.

Angela had asked if she could drive Amy home. Roger and Selena both said, "Yes, but be careful."
They had said that so many times to Angela for swimming, a date, a movie with a friend, even a walk to school.
So Angela waved, put her seat belt on and looked both ways backing out. She was so careful.

One half mile from their home, a beat up old Lincoln had crossed the center line and hit them head on. The driver was "knee-walking drunk." At the hospital the staff declared both girls died instantly.

How could they know that? They weren't there. Selena wanted to scream at them but when she opened her mouth, nothing came out. She felt paralyzed. That was the beginning of walking through days, taking care of what was needed without thought.

Today, Selena gets in her car at the prison. Now the tears flow. She can feel Angela's presence, a squeeze on her shoulder. For her, this was the right thing to do. She will never forget but tonight she can rest. The healing can begin.




By Kathie Stehr