The Chess-apeake Bay Caper

Hey Chester,
         How are you doing? Hopefully better than I am. I've had a rather devastating streak of bad luck since moving to Chessapeake Bay.
         When I first arrived here, I met this checker from the market at King's Corner. I thought Franchessca and I were a perfect match. For a while, we had so much fun hanging out and she eventually moved in with me. Then I found out she was cheating! I caught her at a party making moves on this guy, Bobby Fischer (whoever he is). She said she was just board, but I now realize she was only playing games. I can't stand competition, so it's over between us! I wouldn't be surprised if one day somebody beats that bishop!
         Then, trying to be a good Samaritan, I broke my leg jumping a Checker cab's battery. Don't even ask how that happened... chess being a space case I guess. Next time I'll be more squareful!
         To make matters worse, when I checked in at the office, I found that the guy in the cubicle next to me got the promotion I was counting on. The boss decided that I thought too much in black and white! Sheesh! Then he looked at my broken leg and sent me home... laid off until further notice.
         As if all that wasn't enough, I was robbed! They queened me out and took everyking! At first, when these two guys came to my door, I thought them quite harmless. They were dressed in checkered jackets, high-water, polyester pants and thick horn-rimmed glasses. Then, when I saw their pocket protectors, I decided they were just a couple of square salesmen, so I opened the door. They spoke broken English and from their accent I was able to determine that they were from Cuba. Cubists! Can you believe it? No wonder they were dressed in checks. I should have known from their cigars and calculators that they'd have cube roots.
         Then came the surprise attack. With the cover of knight, these two jerks jumped me, cornered me and beat me up. With my broken leg, I could not defend myself so in just a few moves they had me captured. Man, my heart was pounding out of my chess!
         I was afraid to make a move because one of them was packing a piece, besides, they had tied me. While one ransacked my closet and chess of drawers, the other sat down and ate my jumbo pawns and cube steak dinner with A-1 sauce. He also ate my last slice of bread and it was even stale, mate! Then they ordered me to drive them to my ATM where, at gunpoint, they robbed me of all my cash and drove off in my new car! This was definitely the blackest knight of my life... I've never felt so defeated!
          I called the cops and they sent a rookie out to investigate. He said these guys had already hit the entire block and that he'd go ahead and move forward with the case. He told me if I'd check, I'd probably find my stuff in a pawn shop in a day or two. Idiot cops! Why hadn't they set up a blockade? If I ever see these thieves again, I'll be settling the score my way!
         Hey buddy, you and I both know I've got a bit of a checkered past, but even so, I didn't deserve this sort of luck. And having to start over again at square one because of these losses is a huge set back. I was chess wondering if you would be able to help me get back on my feet. Could you please send me a check, mate?
Sincerely,
Your friend,
Harlton Chesston