MY BEST FRIEND

This item contains Edit Points (EPs). EPs are the red numbers (~#~) that you see within this item. The Author has placed these at various points in order to gain detailed feedback. Readers may click any EP to leave comments about that particular point in the item.

MY BEST FRIEND~0~
Dear Katie~1~

I was determined not to come here. What changed my mind; was when my mum started crying after a fight I had with her. I felt awful. I hate it when she cries; I never know what to say to make her feel better. But, I can’t control my moods. So I came here to please her.~2~
So here I am sitting on a big armchair in her ‘studio’ as Sally-Ann calls it. The room is nothing like I expected to be. There are big windows looking out to a park. The crystal dangling from the window is catching the sunlight, and casting multiple rainbows onto the bright yellow walls. There are a few big armchairs spaced around a coffee table that is in the middle of the room. ~3~
Sally-Ann is a nice lady. She has a friendly face, dark brown hair swept back into a ponytail. Her blue blouse matches her jeans. Her glasses are blue rimmed, but her eyes look pretty. A soft brown colour I think. ~4~
“Would you like some lemonade?” she asks.~5~
I accepted. It’s a hot day for October.~6~
“So, Ros. What would you like to talk about?” she asks after handing me my lemonade and sits down cross-legged in a chair opposite mine.~7~
I didn’t say anything. What did she want me to talk about? The weather?~8~
“Do you want to tell me how you are feeling?”~9~
I can’t answer her because I didn’t know how I am feeling. ~10~
“Your mum told me your best friend died. She must have been very sick.”~11~
Of course she was sick you idiot! She died! I felt like screaming at her but I sit here looking out of the windows. ~12~
After a silence, hearing only the birds chirping in a tree outside the window, Sally-Ann asks me, “Do you feel angry? Hurt? Confused? Depressed? All of those things?”~13~
My mouth is dry so I take a sip of my lemonade. It tastes cold, fizzy and sweet. I nod my head to give a yes reply. Maybe she did know a little bit of how I was feeling. It never occurred to me that I was depressed but when I looked it up in the dictionary later, it described exactly how I felt. You know...low in spirit, downcast.~14~
She could sense I wasn’t in a talkative mood. It took an effort to think, let alone have the energy to speak. ~15~
Then she said, “Why don’t you go away, and through the week, write down for me any feelings you might have. If you don’t feel like eating, write down why you don’t feel like eating. If you don’t want to go to school, write down for me why you don’t want to go to school. Do you keep a diary Ros?”~16~
I nod yes again. Well at least I used to. Sally-Ann told me to write down in my diary everything that happens throughout my day. So that concludes my first session. ~17~
Love from Ros.~18~

Dear Katie~19~
Well I did all those things she asked me to. It felt strange at first, but after a few days, writing down how I felt became easy. It made me realize I didn’t want to go to school because you weren’t there. I didn’t want to eat because I thought I felt sick. Actually, I felt sick because didn’t eat. I didn’t want to play netball because I didn’t have the energy, and we’d have a different team. It wouldn’t be the same. ~20~
When I sat down with Sally-Ann again, she said something that made sense.~21~
“Do you know Ros, the problem with kids your age is that you’re afraid of change. It’s a big step. Leaving the comforts of a primary school that you’ve known for so long, into the unknown of a high school. Katie and yourself have been friends for so long, you’re afraid of what it’s going to be like without her.”~22~
“I’m NOT afraid,” I said defensively.~23~
“You’re feeling lots of things at the moment,” she said evenly.~24~
“Are you getting your monthly’s yet?”~25~
“I had it once, a few months ago. I haven’t had it since...” a lump formed in my throat.~26~
“Since Katie died?” Sally-Ann asked. ~27~
I shook my head yes and started crying. She asked me to tell her what happened when you were sick, and how I felt then. The strange thing is, I always thought you would get well. I never really understood how sick you really were. I thought as long as you were alive you’d get better. I told Sally-Ann I wanted to say ‘Goodbye’ to you but didn’t. You probably thought I didn’t care anymore when I didn’t see you that last week because I had a cold. I told Sally-Ann what happened the last week leading up to your death. How I wanted so much to see you. Everybody thought you would catch my cold and it would make you sicker than what you already were.~28~
“So you’re feeling guilty?” Sally-Ann asked.~29~
“Maybe I am.” I sobbed.~30~
“Why don’t you write to Katie, and tell her all you are feeling,” suggested Sally-Ann.~31~
I thought she’d gone nuts!~32~
“Tell Katie all you’re feeling in a letter, as if she’d only moved to another land.”~33~
Well you had gone to another land. Except, I couldn’t visit you, unless it was a permanent visit. I don’t want to think about that either. ~34~
So, here I am writing to you. I must admit; it makes me feel as if I’m not totally alone. It helps me remember a lot of what we did together as well. In an odd way, I find comfort in writing to you. It’s as if we still share our secrets. Even if it is only one-way! ~35~
Love Ros.~36~


Dear Katie~37~
I can still remember that first day of primary school as plain as if it were yesterday. I was already sitting down playing with some Lego when you walked in with your mum. You looked around and recognized me from kinder.~38~
The teacher said something to you and you pointed to me. She probably asked you if you saw any little friends you would like to play with.~39~
My recollection of the rest of that year is a bit of a haze, with the exception that a routine was formed. We were dropped off at the school, and whoever arrived first, waited for the other. ~40~
Of course over the years we had others join in to play with us both, but you and I Katie, we were the core of the group. You were the shy one, the introvert, always hesitant. Like when Joanna wanted to come to the pool with us after school one night, you sighed, “I don’t know, I don’t know her that well.”~41~
I didn’t tell you at the time, but Joanna thought you were a snob and full of yourself. I would’ve thought so too if I hadn’t known you. But you were just shy until you got to know somebody. I disagreed with her when she said that about you, I suggested it could be a good chance to get to know each other. I said to you that if she didn’t fit in, she wouldn’t hang out with us. You reluctantly agreed. ~42~
Well, you and Joanna talked more with each other than you did with me. So much for not knowing her that well! It was me who felt left out; almost jealous incase she took you away from me. But after awhile the three of us had swimming races and clowned around in the pool. We ended up having a lot of fun. So, Joanna became one of us. Her green eyes were full of mischief. Her wide grin was wicked. She was trying to grow her shoulder length brown hair, but decided it was fashionable to keep it short. I think it was because we had our hair cut. Joanna was always getting told off for something, but she was fun. She just preferred to socialize than listen to the teachers. We went to the pools often after school. Some other girls from our class joined in occasionally. ~43~
I had a crush on the blonde lifeguard that was on duty sometimes. Of course we were all too young for him, but remember when Joanne went to him and told him I want to marry him? It was you who dared her to! I turned red and wished the water had swallowed me!~44~
Love Ros ~45~


Dear Katie~46~
I had a nightmare the other night. We were out in the woods picking blackberries. It was a typical warm autumn day. We had our buckets with us and we were talking and laughing, and enjoying the sunshine. You went over to a bush to get some blackberries, while I picked some nearby. From out of nowhere a fog enveloped us. I couldn’t see you. I called out to you. I could hear you calling me. Your voice sounded far away, but I was sure you were still there, but I couldn’t see you. I couldn’t see anything, everything went all black, and I couldn’t hear anything either.~47~
When I woke up I was crying, and mum was next to me with her arms around, me telling me it was all right. Her voice was soothing but I was so scared.~48~
I don’t think I got to sleep the rest of the night. Every time I shut my eyes I saw the fog that you disappeared in. I put my lamp on and read a baby-sitters club book.~49~
I didn’t want to go to school that day, I felt so tired. So I wrote down why I stayed home. I was so bored by the middle of the day that I wished I had gone! All I did was mope around anyway. At least at school there were people to talk to and things to learn about. I slowly started to realize that staying home made me feel worst and achieved nothing. I shouldn’t really say that, I wrote this letter to you.~50~
Love Ros~51~



Dear Katie~52~
I’ve just came home from netball. I’m playing again. We lost. Only by two, but I wish you could’ve been there. I’m sure we would have won. Which is why I’m writing to you. ~53~
It got me thinking about when we first started playing. You were so good Katie. You were not shy when it came to sport. (Or school work for that matter), you were no dumb blonde. You were better than me when it came to mathematics tests. But, I got the better of you in spelling, only by one or two, but that’s another story.~54~
You played goal attack because you were quick around the court, and you could shoot blindfolded and still not miss. ~55~
I played Goal Defense. I’d hear you yell out to me, “Quick Ros, get back and~56~
defend.”~57~
Everyone called me ‘Ros,’ short for Roselyn.~58~
I still play defense. I thought I heard you call out to me tonight while I was playing, but it was Nina. She sounded just like you. I thought you’d be surprised to know that Nina was playing. That’s if you don’t somehow already know.~59~
I’ll never forget that year you won best and fairest. It made me try even harder the next season. You were an inspiration to me. Would you believe me if I told you it had nothing to do with the fact that everyone compared us? You were so petite and athletic, with your long blonde hair and skinny legs. Me, well I was a bit the opposite with long brown hair and not so skinny legs. I didn’t think you would! Anyway, I was thinking about that season when we both equaled best and fairest. We were both so happy. ~60~
We were also premieres in B grade that year.~61~
They were days when time and growing up didn’t matter. We laughed a lot and stayed at each other’s house for sleepovers and girl parties. We swapped ‘Baby Sitter Club’ books, and listened to the Spice Girls. What could possibly go wrong to spoil it?~62~
Thinking of you always, Love Ros~63~
















Dear Katie~64~
I went back to your house after netball one Saturday for lunch. We ate hotdogs. You looked awful. You had a headache and felt tired. ~65~
Your Mum said, “You probably played too hard at netball. You’ll feel better after a rest. I had to agree with her, but it was so unlike you. I went home after a hotdog because you wanted to go to sleep.~66~
Monday came, you weren’t at school. I bought a bar of chocolate for you and went to visit you after school. You’d been to the doctor and she thought you’d come down with some sort of virus. You were away all week. We really missed you. It wasn’t the same without you. Joanna and I paired off most of the time. Chrissy asked how you were too. She was popular as far as friends went, a pleasant and kind girl that seemed to be friends with everyone.~67~
Saturday came, Shock! Horror! You could only manage to play half a game. We still managed to win. Just as well you scored fifteen goals before half–time because we went downhill after that!~68~
You came back to school but you tired easily, and still complained of headaches. Your mum took you back to the doctor, and you were admitted to hospital for tests. You had a CAT scan; which means Computerized Axial Tomography, a brain scan so you explained to me. ~69~
“I felt so claustrophobic when that machine covered my face. It was like a big steel monster that swallowed my head!” you complained when I went to see you. You said you closed your eyes and thought of nice things until the scan was finished. ~70~
Next time I saw you, you were crying. The doctor said you had a tumour on your brain. It was inoperable. It could cause damage to your central nervous system if they removed it. Looking back, I don’t think I fully comprehended what you were saying. ~71~
You had to have chemotherapy and radiotherapy to kill off the bad cells. You said you were scared. I was scared too. We were eleven years old. I didn’t quite understand what was happening. You started your chemotherapy and radiation treatment. You had to go four times a week; which meant you had a lot of time off school. Those days were empty for me not having you there. It was as if part of me was missing. Your seat where you usually sat next to mine was frequently vacant.~72~
The treatment made you vomit, and your hair started to fall out. This made you cry.~73~
“Don’t worry,” I said, “It will grow back.” ~74~
Of course, in time it did.~75~
Love Ros~76~











Dear Katie ~77~
You lost most of your hair. What was left of it, you cut short. To try and make you feel better, I cut my hair short too. ~78~
“This way we can grow it together when you’re better.” I said to you trying to be of a comfort. You lost more weight and wore a beanie to school. So did I wear a hat! Except, you were allowed to keep yours on in the classroom. ~79~
I got SOOOOO MAD, that time when Mad Dan and Mopey Mike followed us around at school calling us the ‘baldie twins.’ We called Mike ‘mopey’ because he never smiled, and Mad Dan was a maniac when he lost his temper. Calling us names, I could cope with, but what finished me was when he pulled your beanie off and ran away laughing. You were so humiliated, you cried. ~80~
“You idiot!” I yelled.~81~
I took off as fast as I could after him. I really wanted to punch his lights out! Lucky for him the bell went. We told the teacher, and boy did he get in trouble! He still had that stupid smirk on his face though and I would’ve loved to have twisted his neck a whole three hundred and sixty degrees! I don’t why some kids have to be so mean. ~82~
One girl wanted to know what the mark was on your head was. You graciously explained to her that it was the site where you were having radiotherapy for your illness. That red mark never did go away, it faded later, but it would always be a reminder of your illness. ~83~
Do you know what was so strange? After that Dan was nice to you. I suppose we all do stupid things that we think are funny at the time, but regret later because we’ve hurt somebody.~84~
I don’t think he realized you were sick, I’m sure he wouldn’t have been so insensitive. I don’t know what he was thinking if he thought you shaved off your hair for a fashion trend! ~85~
Love Ros~86~

Dear Katie~87~
Remember when we went camping over the Christmas holidays? It was so hot that summer. Our two families had become quite close, mainly because of our friendship. ~88~
They said it’d be good for you to get some fresh air, and have some fun. ~89~
I was smiling about the time when we went fishing, when your brother thought he caught a big one. “Dad! Help me, I’ve caught a fish!” he yelled. ~90~
Between Jamie and your Dad, they managed to reel it in, only to find he’d caught a big boot caught on his hook. It was the current of the ocean that was creating resistance on his line. He was the butt of jokes the rest of the afternoon. ~91~
“Where’s your fish? Was it a sole you caught?” I teased.~92~
“Ah! A rubber sole!” you stated laughing.~93~
So to get us back, my brother Kyle, and Jamie, let our small tent down, the one you and I shared. They had the last laugh when we were trying to put it all back up. In the end at least they helped us. Were we that useless? ~94~
I remember lying on the beach, the sky looked azure, the sand felt warm and gritty between my toes. The ocean was blue with white crested waves as they broke near the shore. The dip in the water felt cool on our hot bodies and we had fun riding the waves with our body board. You had your head covered to protect it from the sun. In fact you were supposed to stay out of the sun altogether, but being a really hot summer that year made it tempting to try and get a tan. It was only a short trip because you had to be back for more treatment. ~95~
Your appetite improved while we were camping. Maybe, I thought and hoped, you were starting to get better!~96~
Your appetite improved even after we returned from our trip. Your cheeks even had some colour in them. We were always hoping.~97~
Love from Ros~98~

Dear Katie~99~
School started, we were in our final year of primary school. You didn’t begin the first day with us because the therapy you were having was working with vengeance. It was shrinking the tumour, but you were so sick you had to go into hospital. ~100~
I went to visit you. I hate the smell of hospitals. They smell of a mixture of disinfectant and floor wax, I could never identify what that odour is, but it goes with being inside a hospital. You had an intravenous drip in your arm, and a small burn on your head from the radiotherapy treatment you were receiving. They put foil over it the next time you had radiotherapy to protect it from burning some more.
I felt sorry for you when you had this treatment. You had to lie on a bed in a room all by yourself, while the machine moved around your head. Bravely, and typical of your unselfish attitude, you reminded me that you were not the only one to have this happen to you!
You took a Walkman in with you so you could listen to your favorite music. This at least broke the boredom, and took your mind off what was happening. You liked listening to the ‘Spice Girls’ who were really popular at the time and ‘Mariah Carey.’
I remember when you said to me that you couldn’t eat because of the ulcers in your mouth, and that all of the food tasted the same and left a strange taste in your mouth afterward. You lived on strawberry milkshakes and ice cream. That’s because the treatment had altered your taste buds. On opening your mouth for me to look, I saw huge white blisters all over your gums. Ouch! It was a wonder you felt like talking.
We became friendly with another girl, Nina, who was our age and also had cancer. She had a temporary colostomy, a bag for her excreta, because they removed some of her bowel. She called this her ‘pooh bag!’
She was a happy girl with an incredible sense of humour. As much as Nina really hated the colostomy, it was a choice of having it or she would die. She had short red hair, brown eyes that looked too big for her elfish face, and freckles. She filled us in on all the nursing staff profiles. Sheena, one of the nurses who were on duty, had long blonde hair. Always talking about the parties she went to, or the disco on the weekend. She was nice though, and had a pretty face, big blue eyes.
We called her the ‘Disco Queen.’ Then there was another nurse who had cropped black hair, green eyes, thin lips and freckles. Her nails were as long as claws with bright red nail polish. She never smiled.
“You know,” said Nina referring to the nurse with the long claws, “If she had whiskers,
she’d look just like my cat!” ‘Long claws’ glanced in our direction as if to see what we were laughing at.
Then Sheena popped her head around the corner and said, “Kit, can I have a hand here please?” We giggled. Her name was Catherine, but she was called ‘Kit’ for short! So from then on we nick named her ‘Kitty-Cat!’
Nina beckoned another girl to come over and join us.
Nina said, “And this, ladies, is Janice.”
Janice was wearing a scarf over her head. She too had lost all her hair. She had the biggest blue eyes I’d ever seen.
“I’m going home as soon as my mum gets here,” said Janice. “I had the same tumour as you,” she said pointing at you Katie. She told us that once the tumour had shrunk, they were able to operate. She’d come back into hospital for a couple of days for X-rays and tests to make sure it had all completely gone.
She came back over to us later when her mum arrived, “Goodbye and get-
well soon! I’m going home to grow my hair!” she said with a smile.
After she’d gone, you were much happier. I could still see that glimmer of hope you had in your eyes. After talking with Janice, we knew that you could get better too!
When you had your drip removed we asked Sheena if we could go for a walk. She agreed, as long as we weren’t long and didn’t get up to mischief. When we asked Kitty-Cat another time, she wouldn’t let us go. Talk about a sour puss!
Good news came not long after that, the tumour was disappearing. Your treatment was less frequent, and we saw a lot more of you at school. Even your hair started to grow back. You also played a bit of netball again, as your strength returned.
We caught up with Nina occasionally. It turned out that where she lived wasn’t very far from us. She was also on the mend, and her bag was going to be removed soon.
Ros
Dear Katie
I had another nightmare last night. I dreamt we were in the ocean swimming, just like we had when we went away. Suddenly, a big wave came over you and carried off! You were screaming for me to help you, as much as I tried I couldn’t get any closer to you! I tried swimming as fast as I could, but I was getting dragged back to the shore as quickly as you seem to be getting further out. You were being carried out to sea, and I couldn’t help you! Then you were gone! I felt helpless and frightened No body else was there...Just us two! Then you were gone.
I woke up with a start and was sweating. I was breathing rapidly and my heart was beating so hard, I thought my chest would burst. I looked at my clock; it was four- thirty. Looking out of my window, I saw the bright full moonlight. It lit up the street. I saw a black cat, well I think it was a black one, jump off a fence then pranced toward the road just as a car was coming. ‘Look out little cat!’ I wanted to shout. The car went passed and the cat materialized on the other side of the road. ‘Thank goodness he didn’t get run over!’ I thought.
I was too scared to go back to sleep. I got my writing paper and pen and wrote this to you while it was all still fresh in my mind. OH Katie! I wish you hadn’t gone away. I have to start high school without you and I’m scared Katie. It just won’t be the same.
Love always Ros


Dear Katie
Life seemed to be going along great. We were planning high school, and couldn’t wait to finish primary school. Although we knew we’d probably miss it. We all seemed so grown up when we looked at the little kids at infant school level. It’s hard to believe we’re moving on to the next phase in life.
You still tired easily, and you had headaches and your back hurt for some reason. So, you were re-admitted into hospital. That night I suggested we go for a walk, but Kitty-Cat was on so we stayed in the room watching television. Jeremy was there with us. He was a six-year-old. Rather a cute little boy with blonde curly hair, well, the few curls that was left after his treatment. But his constant chatter was annoying us. Being a basket baller, he prattled on and on about Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson, showing us pictures of them in his glossy magazines on basketball. He had recently met Andrew Gaze; which he couldn’t shut up about and he loved watching the Tiger’s play. He had a Wilm’s Tumour, which is a type of cancer in the kidney.
The next day when I came to see you, you were crying. The tumour had returned, and you had a secondary tumour growing along your spine.
“I don’t want to die,” you cried.
I tried to cheer you up. “Come on Katie, you’re not going to die. You can beat this, you’ve done it before, you can do it again,” I said.
A sad thing happened. Little Jeremy died a week later. We even saw a tear in Kitty-Cat’s eye. We were both crying. I felt so sad. You were devastated!
“I...It’s going to happen to me.” You kept saying in between sobs. I couldn’t console you.
“D...Don’t say that Katie!” I cried. Kitty-Cat was sitting on your bed with her arms around you.
“It was his time,” she said, “It was just his time.” Kitty-Cat was human after all!
For the first time, I felt afraid for you. That night, I prayed, “Please God, don’t let Katie die.”
It was your twelfth birthday, so with your mum and brother we organized a hospital party. Your mum brought in a cake. Nina, Joanna, Chrissy, Jamie, your Dad, My mum, Kyle, and of course myself, all came to cheer you up. I bought you a Spice Girls disc, also a friendship necklace. They are usually for younger girls, but we broke the heart in half. I kept half and you had the other half.
Kitty-Cat and Robbie, a male Nurse, were both on duty, and joined in singing ‘happy birthday’ to you. Robbie was gorgeous, tall, dark and handsome! He was so nice to you. It was the first time we ever saw Kitty-Cat smile.
It all seemed to brighten you up… for a while.
Love Ros





Dear Katie
You came to school intermittently. Mad Dan and Mopey Mike were actually friendly towards us. Dan still chucked a wobbly if he didn’t get his own way. Like the time he didn’t get his homework done, the teacher, Miss Rymes, went off at him. He stormed out of the classroom slamming the door behind him so hard that all the windows rattled.
But Mike wasn’t really that mopey. He was quite funny at times. I remember when we were playing softball, and he tied the mat he was using for the base to his foot. When he went to run after the ball, the base (mat) took off with him, leaving the runner not able to touch the base. Even Mrs. Chelsea thought it was amusing. And that day he farted really loud in class. No-one knew if he really did one or he deliberately made the noise.
Most of the kids in our year were quite protective of you. It was as if we were all brothers and sisters who had gone through primary school together. Everyone knew each other! I’m not saying we didn’t argue, of course we did, but we got over it quickly as if nothing harsh was said.
Being the last year of primary school, we were all changing. Our bodies changed shape and grew taller. Even you managed to put on a little weight. We were the seniors, so we were given more responsibility, and often helped with the younger ones.
One of the things that saddened me was the day when we were all discussing what high school each of us would be going to. It seemed like the majority would be going to the local college, but some were enrolled elsewhere. That night, it dawned on me that things really were changing, and my thoughts turned to you. I thought you would get better, because I didn’t want to think about not going to our next stage in life without you.
We played in an interschool netball tournament you played really well and scored heaps of goals for us. We got to the grand final. You played the first half of the game. Everyone could see you had tired. Mrs. Chelsea would not let you play anymore. We only ended up loosing by four goals 18-12 were the final score. You had scored ten of the goals in the half you had played. We still got a trophy for the school and you received a special award at assembly for playing so well whilst being sick, it was like an endeavour award. Michael Adams, a grade four boy also received one for swimming sports, although he is in a wheelchair most of the time.
You were feeling listless the next day. I of all people was not surprised. By the afternoon you were in sickbay with a headache. I went to visit you at afternoon recess but your mum had taken you home. I went to see you after school, but you had fallen asleep. Your mum looked worried. She said playing netball all the previous day had taken its toll on you. You were back to your normal self the next day. That was who it was. You had your good days when you seemed fine, but then you had bad days when you were sick and had headaches.
I used to wish there was something I could do to help, I felt useless. I could only hope that one
day this would all end and you would be better.
You weren’t at school one day. That didn’t bother me too much because I had gotten used to the fact that you had bad days when the therapy you were having made you sick. After tea, I went to see you. Nobody was your house. I walked home feeling despondent. My mum rang the hospital that confirmed you had been admitted. We went to see you.
You looked so frail lying there against your pillow. The colour had gone from your face. We were happy to see each other. I hugged you. There was a strange odour around you that was different from the normal hospital smell. I tried to ignore it and we talked about school and what happening there. You asked me questions about the other girls. After a while you seemed really tired from talking and fell asleep.
Love your friend Ros

















Dear Katie
Do you know I miss? When we used to sleepover at each other’s place. It was one of those times on a hot summer night we were up at mid-night having an icy pole. My dad suggested to us that we lie down outside on the trampoline and look at the stars through the binoculars.
We both stunk of rid to keep the mosquitoes away. We took turns in using the binoculars. It was a moonless night and the stars were brilliantly shimmering, just like diamonds in the sky as that nursery rhyme suggests that we used to sing in kinder.
Looking through the lens, we saw thousands of stars we couldn’t see with our naked eyes. I can’t remember how many meteors we saw hurling through the sky that night. The sky never ceases to fascinate me.
Some nights if I am awake, I look out of my window at the stars. I sometimes wonder where heaven is. Is it up higher then the zenith, or closer but we can’t see it? Is it a physical place at all? I don’t know, but I believe it exists, and I believe you are happy there. At least you are not sick anymore. I wonder what it would be like to die. I feel sad thinking about dying. I am trying to think about happy things.
I just smiled to myself, I thinking about the time we were visiting the farm and Kyle was running and slipped in bovine manure. All his legs and backside was covered in it. Mum tried to clean it off before he got back in the car but he stunk all the way home. It’s the funny times I prefer to remember. Each letter I write to you, I photocopy because when I get older, I want to read them to remind me of the things we did.
Love your friend, Ros
Dear Katie
In spite of intense therapy, you looked really pale, and you felt weak all the time. When I visited you I could still smell you. My mum explained to me that the smell was from the cancer and probably from the treatment you were having.
Then I got the flu. I felt awful, and pondered on what it was like for you to keep going and play netball if you felt like I did. I know I couldn’t have done with the headaches I had. Thinking back, your aches and nausea would have been more intense than my puny headache! I realize now you were very brave. Where did you get your strength and courage?
That’s the reason why I couldn’t see you. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to. They said it could make you worse if you caught it. I thought then that there was more to it than that.
Anyway, on the way home from school (when I went back after a week), I made up my mind I was going to see you that night. As soon as I walked in the door I knew something was wrong. Mum was quietly talking on the phone.
When she hung up, I said, “I’m going to see Katie tonight, I’m sure I’m well enough now.”
Mum had a strange look on her face. Then very gently she said to me, “You can’t! Sit down love. There’s something I have to tell you. That was Katie’s Dad. Katie hasn’t been very well the last week. Then just today, Katie lost her battle for life! Do you understand, Ros? Katie has died!”
“NO! NO!” I screamed and ran to my bedroom slamming the door behind me. I don’t how long I had cried into my pillow, but it was soaked some time later. I learnt later that you had slipped into a coma, and that was another reason why they didn’t want me to see you.
I don’t remember much of the next few days, other than I didn’t go to school. The day of your funeral arrived. I only went to the church, not to the cemetery. It was a sunny day. More like a day for a picnic than a funeral. It was all so wrong! Why wasn’t it gloomy and raining, just like I was feeling inside of me? Funerals are not supposed to be happy sunny days, are they?
I remember my mum saying it was because you were smiling down on us.
I read you a short poem:
You were my best friend
I wish it didn’t have to end
You will always be in my heart
Although we will be apart

You were always so kind
And a friend so true
Goodbye Katie
I’ll miss you.

I felt choked up trying to read it. Everyone gave a sigh of relief when I finished. We played the song for you, ‘One Sweet Day,’ by Mariah Carey and Boyz to Men.
Do you what makes me angry? I never got to say ‘goodbye’ to you. I suppose that’s why I’m saying it now. Just like it says in that song, ‘Sorry I never told you, all I wanted to say’.
Feeling sad...Ros.


Dear Katie
It was my birthday two weeks later. Chrissy and Joanna did their best to cheer me up. Looking back, I must have seemed like an unappreciative spoilt brat! I just wanted everyone to go away. I could tell my mum was getting worried. I lost interest in school (not that THAT was hard to do). I stopped eating. I was convinced I was sick. My weight plummeted. I thought of dying. Just to add to my torment, I had those awful nightmares. High school was just around the corner. My body had changed. I felt different. What was happening to me?
First, was the death of my friend, then secondly, the death of my childhood. As I approached my teenage years, I was confused, angry and hurt. Some of those days seem like a blur in my memory. My mum told me about a lady who was going to have a ‘chat’ to me.
She was actually a psychologist who specialized in grief counseling.
“I’m not going to see some shrink,” I protested.
“Oh, yes you are, if you don’t go and see her, she will come here and see you. We are all
trying to help you!” My mum was hurting, hurting foe me. I heard her crying to dad the other night.
In between sobs she said, “I...I just don’t know what we’re going to do with her. She won’t eat and she won’t go to school. She’s shunned her friends! I’m beside myself with worry!” I heard dad mumbling something about me needing time to get over it.
I knew I really needed help but I thought nothing was going to change the way I felt. How could anybody know what I was thinking! I wasn’t sure I knew my own feelings! In the end I agreed to go.
It made my mum happier that I was taking to someone. She said herself that sometimes it’s easier to talk to another person if you don’t think you can confide in your mum. It’s not that I can’t talk to mum. I couldn’t express what I wanted to say. It was like I didn’t know where to start! That’s where Sally-Ann helped because she gave me a starting point.
Love Ros


















Dear Katie
Mum and I went to your grave yesterday. I brought a little box along to put your letters in and left them with you. I covered it with flowers so nobody knew it was there. Each time I write to you, I will come and put it in the little box. It still doesn’t seem real. I keep thinking I’m going to see you again. I saw your mum. She looks so sad. We just hugged each other. She asked me how school was. I just shrugged. It was so awkward. I suppose we didn’t know the right words to say to each other. I’d lost my best friend; she’d lost part of her soul.
I had another nightmare. We were walking towards your house and a man dressed in black came and carried you away. I didn’t see his face. I don’t actually know if it was a man! All I know is that in my dream you were enveloped by some black evil figure. I stood there frozen. My legs couldn’t move. I woke myself up screaming. I felt like there was a weight on my body holding me down on my bed. Of course there wasn’t, it was all part of my terrible dream.
My mum came in. My scream had woken her up as well. She left the room to make us both a hot chocolate. We sat and talked for a while.
I told her what I dreamt about.
“Of course you are going to miss her. You are going to miss Katie for a very long time. But in time your friendship will be a treasured memory!”
I did know that, but nothing filled the void in my life that you filled Katie.
I said I was all right and she went back to bed. Her face was creased with worry.
I told Sally-Ann when I saw her again. I explained to her about my other nightmares.
I was crying, as I said to Sally-Ann, “I was standing there. I didn’t run and try to rescue her. I just stood there and didn’t try!”
“Because you couldn’t save her,” Sally-Ann was sitting there with her arms
around me, and smoothing down my hair while I cried. “It was out of your control. You couldn’t save her. It was her time.” her voice was comforting. “Nobody knows the reasons why people are only here for a short while, and others stay longer. Whenever anybody dies, it’s beyond our control to do anything about it. All we can do is remember the good times we shared with that person. There’s an old saying,
‘God grant me the courage to change the things I can, Grace to accept the things I can’t and wisdom to know the difference.”
She said that I couldn’t do anything to stop you dying. I have to be very brave and accept what happened.
I cried a lot during that session but I felt better. I only saw Sally-Ann a couple of times after that. She said it all takes time. But one day I’ll move on only to have happy memories. I was so angry with God for taking you away, but even he has His reasons for the strange life we have. It seems odd that we are born to die.
Love always Ros








Dear Katie
Sorry I haven’t written to you for a while. Christmas holidays are here. It’s been six months since you left us. I was wondering what I was going to do. Somehow though, I seem to be filling in my days. I see a lot of Joanna. We are going to the same high school next term. I think Chrissy, is too. At least I won’t be going by myself. I’m trying not to think about it too much. We paid a special tribute to you at our grade six Valedictory Dinner.
I saw your mum the other day. My mum told me she’s having another baby. I don’t think she’s trying to replace you. Maybe she thinks the house seems a little empty with just your brother to look after.
Nobody can replace you. Not even Joanna, as nice as she is, I don’t have the same bond with her as I did with you. Who knows, maybe it was because you were sick that made us closer. It’s strange, but since you left, I care more about what happens to my family and friends. You never know when it’s somebody’s time to go.
It’s a temptation to join in when some kids whine about their parents. It’s all quite normal; nobody likes rules. Except I know one day we may not have any parents, and they may not have their kids. So I just smile if someone complains. It’s all part of growing up. I don’t think you and I Katie would be any different. That’s if you were still here.
I got some trendy clothes for Christmas and a CD player. We made a special decorations for the tree and inscribed it ‘In memory of Katie.’ I gave one to your mum. Her eyes moistened when she told me it was the nicest Christmas present anyone could’ve given her. I still feel a little awkward when I see her, but my mum talks to her a lot when they have cups of tea.
Jamie and Kyle still play in the same football team. Perhaps we still all share that special bond.
I had better go now. I promised mum I’d help her with some baking. We’re having a house full of people for Christmas lunch.
I won’t forget you love Ros


Dear Katie
I had another dream about you last night. It was a good dream. We were horse riding. I think it was on that farm we visited a while ago when we hired horses to ride. I’ve heard you don’t dream in colour, but I’m sure I did. The sky was blue, the sun was shining; I even felt the warmth on my face and back. The grass and trees were green. I’m sure your horse was that same chestnut coloured one you rode that day at the farm. I can’t remember what colour mine was. I just know I was riding one.
We rode past some sheep and cows it was as if I were reliving one of the happiest moments of my life. That all happened before your illness. We went to the farm often just to ride the horses.
You were in front of me. As your horse was galloping along I could see your long blonde hair gently waving up and down beneath your helmet. I don’t remember too much of the dream, except we were laughing. You turned around at me and I could see your smiling face. When I woke up I felt happy. I still feel happy. It’s as if you have told me that it’s going to be okay and you are with me in a special way. That’s why I’m writing this morning, to let you know I still do think about you.
I’m at high school now. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. You would never guess who is in my class...Nina! Remember Nina? She’s well now. Lots of people with cancer get better. You were just unlucky, or perhaps it WAS just your time.
Life has a way of moving on. You may not want it to, or plan it that way. It just seems to happen.
Mum is calling, there’s someone on the phone for me. It’ll be Nina. We’re going on an excursion today. She’ll want to know what I’m going to wear. She does this all the time. Anyway, everytime I look at your photo that I keep on my shelf with my half of the friendship heart taped to it, I always remember you as ‘my best friend.’
I’ll never forget you; love Ros.

Alexandra ã 2001
8,064 words