I wish I had a River

THE RIVER


I wish I had a river,
I'm selfish and I'm sad.
Joni sang, she wrote, she danced;
why, then, can't I still?

Still, I want a river
to skate away on
I lost another friend today.

So hard is life to handle,
age is showing, clarity
has disappeared.

I so long for my Mother
and perhaps her refusal
to acknowledge defeat.
No river for her,
life did not defeat her.

And I still sit as I did
thirty years ago, shy,
the college misfit -
pondering, day dreaming, lazy.
So terribly, terribly afraid.

I was handicapped in a childhood
of shyness, trembling, agony,
gut-kicking fear....

Every word, each second,
every step was
as if I had reached a precipase,
seeing the edge, the drop-off.
Should I have jumped?

I have not changed -
yet I wish I had a river
I could sail away on..........

2008 - njames51