The Sweetest Revenge

The Sweetest Revenge

Setting: A ballroom.

At rise: Tables and chairs are set up all over the room. Streamers are strewn everywhere, and on the wall hangs a banner that says “Jerusalem High 2,000 Year Reunion.” SATAN enters, wearing a black suit and red shirt, with his wife ANGEL, a pretty blonde in a white dress.


ANGEL
I can’t believe you wanted to come here, Satan. This really doesn’t seem like your kind of scene.

SATAN
I know, Angel, but this is an important reunion.
(whistling)
Two thousand years…it seems like just yesterday I was leading the Jerusalem Jaguars to victory against the Bethlehem Lepers.

ANGEL
No, offense, honey, but beating a team whose body parts are falling off seems pretty easy.

SATAN
Are you kidding? Do you have any idea how hard it is to score a touchdown on a field covered in fingers and noses? It was brutal…and disgusting. Those lepers played dirty, and they exploited their disease to do it.

ANGEL
I don’t think they can control when their parts fall off.

SATAN
I don’t buy it. They knew exactly what they were doing.

ANGEL
You always assume the worst of people. Not everyone is bad, you know.

SATAN
I know you always try to see the good in people, but you’ve lived in Hell for a long time now. It’s time to give that up.

(GOD enters, dressed in a white suit and a white fur-lined cape.)

ANGEL
Satan, don’t freak out, but-

SATAN
(interrupting)
I see him.

ANGEL
Don’t do anything you’re going to regret.

SATAN
(innocently)
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

(God approaches Satan and Angel.)

GOD
Satan. Angel. How’s my boy doing?

SATAN
(coldly)
God, I didn’t expect to see you here. Did you decide to take a day off from kicking your friends out of Heaven and impregnating their wives?

GOD
If you wanted to stay in Heaven, you shouldn’t have tried to overthrow me.

SATAN
If you don’t want people to lead revolts against you, maybe you should stop forcing them to wax your back and trim your nose hair.

GOD
Most angels realize that trimming the divine nose hair is an honor. They don’t all run off and start a revolt the first time someone asks them to do something they don’t want to.
(to Angel)
I can’t believe you’re letting this guy raise my kid…he’s such a pussy!

SATAN
Oh, really? I bet I could kick your ass!

GOD
Bring it on!

(Satan and God try to unbutton their jackets as quickly as possible.)

ANGEL
Stop it right this instant! You two are grown men…why don’t you act like it?

SATAN
He started it!

GOD
No, I didn’t! You started it when you tried to turn the other angels against me!

SATAN
You deserved it! Someone needed to teach you a lesson! But impregnating my wife with your demon seed was way out of line!

GOD
Demon seed? You’re the one that lives in Hell!

SATAN
Doesn’t matter-I’m nicer than you!

GOD
Well, your wife wasn’t too upset about having my baby…

ANGEL
Excuse me?! I would love my son no matter who the father was, and I’ll admit I was honored that you wanted me to give birth to the next messiah…but you could’ve asked first!

SATAN
Yeah!

ANGEL
You can’t just get a married woman pregnant and then send an angel to tell her after the fact! You need to learn some manners, God…that is not acceptable behavior! I kept a huge secret from my husband for seventeen years-I did not need that kind of stress in my life!

GOD
Sorry…I was mad.

SATAN
See, Angel? I told you he did it to get back at me!
(to God)
And guess what? Johnny isn’t going to be the next messiah, so your plan failed!
In your face!

GOD
(groaning)
Jesus is gonna be so pissed. He’s already recording his first album, Forgive Me Father, For I Have Rocked!

SATAN
I guess you better tell him to hold off on the “I Died For Your Sins, So Give Me All Your Money” tour.

GOD
We had a deal, Angel!

ANGEL
I can’t force Johnny to do something he doesn’t want to do.

GOD
Why not? The whole point of having kids is so you can tell them what to do!

ANGEL
I thought Johnny would want to be the savior-

SATAN
(interrupting)
But then I told him all about how you violated his mother, and for some reason, he no longer wants to go to your lame college or be the messiah! Rejected!

GOD
I don’t need Johnny-there are thousands of people who would kill for that job!

SATAN
Is that really a quality you want in a messiah?

ANGEL
Murder is a sin, God! You, of all people, should know that!

SATAN
Honey, you know God’s one of those “do as I say, not as I do” types. Remember the Great Flood?

GOD
When are you going to let that go? I had to kill all those people-it was the only way to make them believe I existed!

SATAN
Dead people can’t believe in anything, genius.

ANGEL
That’s a good point. Couldn’t you have just held a press conference or something?

GOD
I don’t think that would’ve had quite the same impact.

SATAN
You know, I’ve never killed anyone, yet I’m the one with the bad reputation…doesn’t seem fair, does it?

GOD
Seems fair to me.

ANGEL
And how many poor, innocent rabbits did you kill to make that cape?

GOD
(scoffing)
Rabbits? Please!
(stroking the cape)
I use nothing but the finest unicorn fur!

ANGEL
Aren’t unicorns endangered?

GOD
They were. Now they’re extinct.

ANGEL
You should be ashamed of yourself!

SATAN
He has no shame.

GOD
Why should I? I’m God! I created everything, so it’s only fair that I get to do whatever I want with my creations. If a couple of mythical creatures have to die so I can look good, that’s just the way it’s gonna be!

ANGEL
That’s terrible!

GOD
If you’d ever worn leather pants made of dragon, you wouldn’t be saying that. Seriously, they’ll change your whole outlook on life.

SATAN AND ANGEL
(in unison)
No, thank you!

GOD
You’re just jealous.

SATAN
You wish. I can’t believe you eradicated the unicorn population for that ugly-ass cape.

ANGEL
Satan was right about you, God! I thought he was just mad because you kicked him out of Heaven, but he wasn’t exaggerating! You really are kind of a jerk!

GOD
You can’t-

ANGEL
(interrupting)
I’m not finished! To think, I used to be flattered that you chose me to raise messiah number two…I love my son, but I hope he doesn’t turn out to be anything like you!

GOD
You ungrateful bitch!

SATAN
(removing his jacket and throwing it on the ground)
Okay, this time I really am going to kick your ass!

(A VOICE comes over the loudspeaker.)

VOICE
We have a special treat for you, Class of 1982 B.C.! Your senior class president, voted “Most Likely to Succeed,” creator of the universe…God!

GOD
Gotta go! My adoring audience awaits.

(A few unenthusiastic claps are heard as God walks to the front of the stage and looks out over the audience.)

GOD
Please, try to contain yourselves! I may have created you, but we’re really not so different. I put my Loch Ness Monster pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of you.

SATAN
(yelling)
Banana!

ANGEL
What are you doing?

(JOHNNY, a teenage boy who looks like a cross between God and Angel, runs onstage and pulls God’s pants down. The “crowd” laughs.)

GOD
(gasping)
How dare you? Don’t you know who I am?

SATAN
That’s my boy!

(Shaking with rage, God frantically tries to pull up his pants.)

ANGEL
You spent a year working on the perfect plan to get back at God, and that’s what you came up with?

GOD
You are dead, Satan! I can’t believe you put my son up to this!

ANGEL
(sighing)
Do I have to do everything myself?

GOD
When I get through with you, you’ll wish I never created you!

(Angel marches up to God and punches him in the stomach. God doubles over in pain.)

ANGEL
Oh, grow up! You can’t take a punch from a girl?

GOD
(in agony)
You caught me off-guard!

ANGEL
(menacingly)
If you ever threaten my husband again, there’s more where that came from! Don’t make me use my brass knuckles on you, God!

JOHNNY
Wow, Mom is badass!

ANGEL
Language, Johnny!

JOHNNY
Sorry!

SATAN
Aw, you’re getting more like me every day, you potty mouth!

JOHNNY
I try.

GOD
Ugh, you guys are going to make me puke!

(Angel kicks God in the back of the knees. He falls face down on the stage.)

GOD
Ow! What was that for?

ANGEL
That’s for calling me a bitch earlier!

GOD
(groaning)
I wasn’t wrong!

(Angel moves to kick God again.)

GOD
No! That’s enough! If I weren’t gasping for air right now, I would smite the shit out of you, devil woman!

ANGEL
(sarcastically)
Ooh, I’m shaking…

GOD
Shut up.

ANGEL
Let’s make a deal…you leave my family alone, I’ll leave you alone.

GOD
(dramatically)
Never!

(Angel sits on top of God and twists his arm behind his back.)

ANGEL
You sure you don’t want to rethink that?

GOD
(near tears)
Fine! I’ll leave your stupid family alone! I have better things to do with my time!

ANGEL
That’s all I wanted to hear!

GOD
Can I go now?

ANGEL
Please do.

(Angel gets up, and God scrambles to his feet and runs offstage, buttoning his pants as he goes. Satan and Johnny approach Angel, not quite believing what they’ve just witnessed.)

SATAN
That was amazing!

ANGEL
It was nothing.

JOHNNY
I’ve never even heard you raise your voice.

ANGEL
You’ve never given me a reason to, sweetie.

SATAN
I can’t believe you beat up God! I didn’t think you had it in you!

ANGEL
What choice did I have? I know I was against the whole idea of revenge, but I really thought you guys would’ve come up with a better plan!

SATAN
I thought it was a good plan…

ANGEL
You’re the ruler of Hell…
(to Johnny)
And you’re a genius! This isn’t elementary school! Do you want to be the laughingstock of Hell?

SATAN AND JOHNNY
(embarrassed, in unison)
No.

ANGEL
You could’ve fooled me! I guess it’s true what they say…if you want something done right, you better do it yourself!

SATAN
But-

ANGEL
(interrupting)
We need to get out of here before God realizes I stole his wallet.

SATAN
(impressed)
Angel!

ANGEL
Let’s just see him try to get back into Heaven without an I.D.

(Angel, Satan, and Johnny laugh as they exit. The lights fade to black.)