Courage is a Leap of Faith

Beth was known as "Little Turtle". The family laughed so she laughed along. But it wasn't funny. It hurt being different. Back then, anxiety and panic disorders weren't talked about. A person learned to deal with it or they didn't. Occasionally, some people spiraled out of control and became suicidal.

Being afraid of flying objects was one of Beth's many phobias. Not taking chances is sensible. But, it is an excuse when the idea made your insides shake and heart beat fast. She thought she might pee and no one would let her forget. In gym, she covered her head as the ball approached. She felt her cheeks on fire. The other girls laughed and the mean remarks echoed in nightmares while trying to sleep at night. When you are a kid, that kind of anxiety is as real as an adult dealing with a summation in front of a jury or running a Code in an Intensive Care Unit.

"What a loser!"

"Get off our team!"

"Idiot"

Her dad wouldn't let her quit volleyball. Her parents came to each game, thinking they were supporting her.
In the car, she cried.

"Why are you making me do this? Isn't making A's good enough?"

Her dad cleared his throat: "We are trying to toughen you up, sweetie. You need to hold up your head and show the kids you will not be trampled on. You know, we aren't the enemy.I used to sit on the bench because I was so short in football. Finally, they gave me a chance and it was 'Watch out cause nothin sticks to Rick once he gets the ball.' Your light hasn't shined yet."

Beth made it through half the season when she began to have headaches before each game. She knew this was a physical reaction to something she hated. She went to her counselor and broke down. Lottie Hampton was a cool lady.
"I was always the last one chosen for teams many years ago. I can still hear the team captain going, 'Well, I guess I don't have a choice...Lottie.' My head hung so low, I felt like a hound dog. You let me take care of this."

She put her arm around Beth.
"Not to worry, dahling, your passion is waiting for you. These jocks will all wish they could be you one of these days."

Suddenly, someone was needed on those practice afternoons to assist the Librarian with choosing presentations for school projects.

Beth loved the library, the feel of a book in her hand. After school she walked five miles to get to literary Heaven. A leather chair tucked away in a corner of the large library on the town square was a sanctuary. She was the Heroine, a Queen that protects her subjects, a fairy princess, a civil rights leader that puts her life on the line for justice. She could be Helen Keller, Judge Sandra Day O'Conner or Eleanor Roosevelt.

Over the summer before she was to start Roosevelt High School, she was asked by Lottie Hampton to tutor. It was great because she was getting paid for it. One girl even had a pool at her house and her parents worked so they took full advantage. Beth's parents questioned her tan. She smiled. As long as her student was learning, they could have fun too.
"It's a perk that comes with my work."
She had three kids and they were all improving in their math and grammar.

Beth had her first semi-serious romance that summer. She met Donnie Edmond at the "Crystal Cave Book Shelf". A bohemian place, it boasted tapestries, crystal balls, subdued lighting, a variety of fairies, wizards and dragons showcased among precious stones in glass cupboards. It was an old Victorian home, in pretty poor shape, but had great ambiance. There were stained glass cupboards, wool oriental carpets, open nooks and alcoves for reading.

The music was a mix of folk-rock and mystical. It catered to college students and the Grateful Dead set with cash. The incense, always burning, didn't cover the smell of good herbs. There were chimes, plants and even a small fountain. The books were Whitman, Shakespeare, Dante, the classics and spirituality. Poetry loomed large and readings happened twice a week at open mic night. You could read your own or interpret someone else. Music was also encouraged, acoustic only. They served coffee, herbal tea and homemade treats at reasonable prices.

Beth was wandering about and picked up Oliver Sack's "Awakenings". She climbed into a bay window with a quilt and began to read.
Donnie broke her concentration. He had the saddest eyes. They were liquid gold with long lashes. He was beautiful for a guy, pouty lips and naturally curly dirty blonde hair. He looked like an actor.
"You planning on medical school?"
"No. Why?"
"Sachs is a great neurologist."
"I know."
"I want to cure Parkinson's. I am a freshman at Brown."
"My name is Beth and I am going to study journalism."
"I am Donny. Can I buy you some coffee or tea and split a brownie?"
"Sounds great."
So the two of them shared the alcove and just enough about themselves to know they clicked.

It was an interesting summer. Donny taught her how to feel more at ease. Being older, he introduced her to his friends. They came to the poetry readings and he played guitar. He also showed her how sweet a kiss could be. That happened one night in back of the "Cave". He didn't push and that is as far as it went.

When it was just the two of them, the conversations were perfect. He was telling her what to expect in high school. He offered to help with Organic Chemistry, Biology, and Trig. So far she had done well in school but she needed a scholarship for college. He was teaching her the fun aspects of life, the best part. He brought her flowers; something in season that was light and sweet like tulips, daffodils, babies breath, wildflowers. He would tuck one behind her ear and kiss her gently.
"You are beautiful."
They kept each other company through the summer. Although they made out, they never hooked up. Beth wasn't ready. She knew he had a girlfriend at school that was in Europe.

When he headed back to Brown University, they promised to stay in touch. That is how life goes, isn't it? If you never stay in touch, people come into your lives for a purpose. Sometimes it is for a moment, a lifetime but there is a reason. God puts them there to show you what a rose petal feels like, point out the wonder of a sunrise, or see the smile of a first Christmas morning.

High school was less fun and more of a challenge. In her biology class, there was a sweet quiet girl with severe acne, Kim Frost. All the kids had to pick someone else to work with.
They were given a frog to dissect. Kim was next to Beth. Kim opened the lid and began to sniff audibly so Beth went to her rescue.
"I hate this too. It's cruel!"
Kim suggested they work together.

Neither of them had ever had a close friend. Kim wasn't your typical teenager that liked the Backstreet Boys, wanted to hook up for sex just so a guy would like you, or wanted to know everything about Britany Spears. Neither had a My Space with a pix of you looking like you iced your nipples.
"Don't you hate that crap? Why would you want to waste your time when you could aspire to something important yourself?"
Kim nodded.
"Exactly."

They liked the same authors. Both planned on the best colleges.They were both virgins.They felt it was about loving and respecting yourself. Kim also kept a journal! Beth had a true soul mate. They began to spend the night at each other's houses, go to movies at the theater that showed environmental, anti-war documentaries and art films. They hung out at "The Crystal Cave Book Shelf" sipping herbal teas and shared vegetarian recipes. They could talk for hours on the phone.

Over the next couple of years, they found other people with anxieties. It seemed like all humans had something that broke the sweat on their brows.

Altogether, there were four friends; all passionately loved to write. Beth had started her diary when she was ten. Her Mom had bought one with a heart shaped lock and she wrote every night with her secrets, hopes and dreams. From the recesses of her heart came poems and then an occasional story of what she thought a real romance might bring.

Beth, Kim, Lisa, and Dwayne would bounce ideas off each other and then read the pieces they had created. They each had different genres they were good at and enjoyed. Dwayne was a great Science Fiction writer. Lisa loved fantasy. Kim wrote horror stories, which was amazing since she was terrified of real life. Her stories had creatures whose descriptions horrified the others. She said the descriptions and characters came through subconsciously as she wrote.

Beth send two of her best stories to adolescent magazines for girls. Those two were published after several rejections. When she received the rejections, she cried and threw things around but Kim and Lisa insisted she edit the pieces and send several more. One that she was sure was a waste of time won. It was about a girl traveling through time to meet her mother when she was a teenager. She won a hundred dollars. The other was about a service dog that was stolen from a thirteen year old blind girl. It was a heart breaker that they were reunited in the end after the girl is hit by a car.

Mrs. Roosevelt, her literature teacher suggested Beth apply to write for the school paper. Then an awful situation presented itself in their normally quiet town. Beth almost lost her life.

Beth had to go back to the Chem lab late one evening to get her notebook. Usually there is an off duty cop that works security in the evenings. That is the reason the labs can be open but Beth didn't see Grady around. She found the lab door open and saw kids dressed with plain black hooded jackets on taking stuff from the lab. They had burners, glass flasks, thermometers, and different types of tubing and pipes. They were putting the stuff into canvas bags. She hid under the teacher's desk and watched, making notes.

There had been stories about rural areas having an increase in Crystal Meth labs with addiction going through the roof.

She told her friends about it. Beth, Kim and Dwayne each singled out a certain kid to watch. Jesse Planter, Doug Addison and Louie Ferrier were known to be "slackers". They had already racked up juvenile records for underage drinking and marijuana possession, stealing and driving without a license. They ditched school a lot but when they were there, they were smoking a dupie and eating stuff from the closest fast food place. Lately, the three of them had new stuff; really nice MP3 players, new stereos for their vehicles and new clothes.

Then, Beth actually saw a buy going down by Jesse. It was to a kid from the elementary school. She was sick as she watched. Making sure no one saw her, she went to the cops. They asked if she would consider being wired, having a camera and the cops would be close by so an arrest could go down while it was happening. She and her parents agreed to it. What a great beginning for her journalism career and she wasn't afraid, just excited about doing something to make a difference.

Beth's room was downstairs, right next to the garage. She loved her privacy. She had decorated it herself, mostly with artwork she loved that inspired her writing. Her bed was actually a futon and she had bean bag chairs. Her friends came here and they could relax. Her stereo was great with kick ass speakers.

She had floor length windows and her own bath. Outside one window was the "dream tree", an old oak with cool branches large enough where you could sit and write or dream. It had taken her years before she would sit in the lowest branch but her friends could climb to the sky. She would look up there and knew someday she would be at the top, she smiled thinking about catching a star.

Her parents had dug up an old black light and she turned it on. The curtains in her room were sheers. Right now there was a breeze and they were blowing. It was actually cold in there. How could that be?

She thought she had checked the windows to see if they were closed. Her parents were upstairs. Their home had an excellent security system. It was programmed for windows and doors to be closed at night at a certain time unless changed. So an alarm should be going off.
Suddenly her heart was pounding. She was covered in a cold sweat.
She reached for her cell phone then felt a sharp point at her neck.

"You bitch, you think you can screw with me and get away with it?"

She couldn't move. She felt sticky liquid and caught the rusty smell of blood.
'Dear God Is this how it all ends? Please let it be fast and not much pain.'

"Do you see how easy I could open this pulsing jugular vein, so full of life? What a sweet pretty little neck. I could make it really hurt, ripping it slowly."
Don't give me no reason to finish you. Are we cool?"
She nodded.

"I don't want to see you around me, you too cute to die, dude!"
Then Jesse was gone.

She wiped the blood from her neck. Her hand was shaking but she was thinking straight. She called the cops.
After that scare, the plan changed and went through without putting her in jeopardy.
Jesse was charged with possession and sale of Crystal Meth plus attempted manslaughter of Beth.

Thanks to Beth's notes, photos and precise journalism, the story on the shakedown won an award from The Phoenix Sun, the city paper. Lottie Hampton was there with their Mayor to give Beth an award for both Civil work and the scholarship for the Arizona State University. Her parents were so proud. The best part was the security put in place at the elementary schools and now parents knew what was going on in their own backyard.

Beth graduated from Roosevelt High School with honors. She had already applied to the Arizona State University and all was in place for her scholarship for Journalism.

Life couldn't possibly be more exciting. Beth felt like she was walking on the Yellow Brick Road from The Wizard of Oz. Tony Martin was waiting with the ruby slippers to complete her happiness.

His approach was as spontaneous as he proved to be.
"Hi beautiful, I'm Tony. Let's go to dinner and a movie."

She was so surprised she didn't have time to get nervous.
"I'm Beth and I am starving."

She couldn't believe she had just said this. He was good looking, tall and lanky, strawberry hair, dimples with green eyes that sparkled with joy.
Beth was five foot and five inches tall, with dark auburn hair and copper eyes, freckles and what Tony called "kissable lips."
The two made a beautiful couple.

They went to "The Varsity" and ordered the same: chili dogs, onion rings and frosted orange shakes. They ended up talking for two hours discovering how much they had in common and missed the movie.
"I'm majoring in business, can't stand it. But my Uncle Don said I can always use it in whatever I decide to do.That just makes sense."

"You've got plenty of time. What about your parents?"

"My parents were killed in a car crash. I was ten so I have some great memories. They had left me alone to go to a movie. I remember cops coming to the door." Tears traced his cheeks as he recalled the terrifying news.

Without thought, Beth took a napkin and gently wiped them away.
His Grandma, "Mama Martin" raised him.

"I try to go every Sunday for a home cooked dinner and a dose of unconditional love."
They discovered that both of them were liberal, pro-choice, and pacifists. They loved art museums and live music.
He said," I also love all kinds of sports."
Beth announced, "'I can learn to love sports."

She told him about her journalism. She even told him the story of the undercover buy and how she had been writing for years. He seemed genuinely interested and asked to read some of her stories.

Beth sat at Grandma's table the next Sunday; Anna Belle Martin was sixty but looked years younger. Her white hair looked like silk angel hair used at Christmas. Her complexion had few wrinkles. She had gentle blue eyes, and a laugh that reminded one of Tinkerbell from Peter Pan fame.
She truly enjoyed other people. She questioned Beth about her entire life. Grandma asked questions so sweetly and discreetly, Beth just answered truthfully. This lady could have worked undercover for the FBI.

Tony and Beth spent every day they could with each other. Beth was still living at home and paying rent. She cooked dinner one night and Tony was impressed with her Yankee Pot Roast. Her Mom and Dad really liked him. He showered Mom with compliments about everything, her beauty, cooking and her eye for five card stud. Dad acted almost immediately like this was the son he had been waiting for. Beth would listen to them during a football game and it was like they had been doing it for years. Throwing pillows, arguing about calls, just grownup men acting like little kids.

Beth had told him she had trust issues and he took it all very slow. The kissing was wonderful and touching each other was a sensuous adventure. He was so good at kissing, her clothes were almost off by the time she realized it.
Then he wasn't her white knight.
"Tony! What the hell? Could you give the girl some warning, huh?"

"Baby, that is not what this is about. Could you relax and leave this in capable hands? I love you!"

"No, I can't relax." She put her underwear back on.

"Don't you trust me?"

"Yes, but...." he silenced her mouth.
He turned down the lights and made a bed on the floor. They got under a quilt. He looked around on TV for a movie and they just cuddled. He quit with the moves and she relaxed, trusting his big warm hands.

It was "Pillow Talk" with Rock Hudson and Doris Day and they laughed. It was silly and out of date but just right and something they would always remember.

Then he looked deeply into her eyes and saw Beth, his best friend and future wife. He was so gentle. He even brought her to climax before he enjoyed himself. After that, she couldn't get enough.
"Again!"

"Hey, give a man time to breathe. Who knew? Under all that shyness is the heart of a nymphomaniac!"
She turned crimson from head to toe.
So out of that very first time, a very special sperm was allowed past Beth's anxieties and the ovum accepted.
A beautiful baby curled up for a nine month nap.

A month later, he drove her up to the mountaintops where he loved to hike. She had told him about her fears and he gently touched her cheek.

"Life is too short to be scared, darling, we'll work on them."
He watched her face at various moments. 'This girl isn't kidding, she is scared to death.'
He offered to turn around but she refused. Her knuckles were white and her face was glistening with sweat. She had the guts to test herself and he loved that.

At the top, they got out of the car. Beth held his arm with a death grip. The waterfall was perfection and there was a rainbow reflected in the crystal pool far below.
It was the right time; he got down on one knee and proposed.

She forgot to be frightened when he surprised her with his great Grandma's engagement ring. It was in an exquisite antique setting with a diamond surrounded with rubies. It fit perfectly.

The ring was the surprise but marriage had been mentioned before when they watched a plus sign on the EPT test.
She had been frightened to tell Tony but he had reacted with a "let's think about this".

They married at the courthouse. She wore an ivory dress found for $25 at a sale, carried a bouquet of various colors of wildflowers with satin ribbons.
The two of them personalized a poem Beth had penned years ago. When it was finished, it rang with the emotions they wanted to convey. So they took turns with the stanzas.

Beth began:

I am a crystal ship
with a fragile heart.
I sail your seas, my Captain,
no fear of breaking apart.

Tony: Tis sacred love I seek,
soft, easy; a gentle breeze.
Surrounded by your embrace,
tenderness will sustain me.
'

Beth: When storms of life
batter my vessel,
you are my foundation
anchored in faith and love.


Tony: Forever I will sail your seas,
travel smooth or turbulent waters.
Lulled by your love song
as the moon watches safely over thee.


Beth finished: When I reach eternal rest,
I lay my head upon your hull.
You cradle me in gentle waves
I shall sleep well, my Captain, my love.


Beth's parents surprised them with a wedding reception. There were close relatives, friends and a beautiful bridal cake. It had the bride and groom on top surrounded by petite pink roses.

They came home to an apartment that Tony had rented with money he had saved. The thrift store and various bridal gifts furnished their home and clothes closet. It was eclectic yet charming. Beth was still a student and writing a column for the freshman paper, "Hunter's Happenings." She wanted to continue school as long she could since she had a scholarship.

Tony knew he had to take a full time job with a baby on the way. He was always an athletic guy, playing four sports in high school. He wanted to help in his community so he took a course for four months to be a firefighter. This job terrified Beth when she thought of the danger. But she didn't speak her fears. Being positive was one of her personal promises for their marriage. She was making an effort to let God be in charge. Whatever happened He would carry them through.

When Tony completed his course, Beth was there and cheered him! She was seven months pregnant and miserable with swollen ankles.
"You are the most radiant pregnant woman I have ever seen."

"I look like a hippo but you are sweet!"

"I know you are stubborn and can't take a compliment."

"All right, I am a shining hippo."

"Much better."

Right after the graduation Grandma Martin had a stroke and was hospitalized. She was going to need a lot of rehabilitation to recover. Beth and Tony tried to go a couple times a week to see her.

Last week, Tony and the guys from Fire Station 54 dressed up like clowns. They took the big hook and ladder to the hospital and staged a get away from the fifth floor. The nurses were all in on it. Everyone had a blast including Grandma with only one side of her face smiling.

They finished the nursery. The ceiling had a sunny sky and animal clouds. They had painted the nursery in borders of white sailboats on a serene blue sea. The furniture in there was furnished by Beth's parents. It was all so new and exciting, down to the precious tiny clothes. She would lay them out, gently touch them, refold and put them away. The smell was amazing even without a baby yet. It was probably anticipation but Beth loved it all. She would sing lullabies while rocking and rubbing her gift of joy.

They had an appointment at the obstetrician's office and had an opportunity to watch the sonogram. With fascination the parents saw Grayson, their sweet boy, sucking his thumb. The two agreed life could not be better. Soon he would be sleeping in the beautiful cherry crib with blankets Beth had crocheted.

Tony got a page. He was supposed to be off on Mondays. Now that he was Assistant Chief, he had to respond if someone called in sick. Paul Ossner had an emergency appendectomy the night before.

There was a five alarm fire at an apartment building for low income people in the worst area of town. The place probably wasn't up to code. Often the fire extinguisher boxes were broken and robbed or the alarms didn't have fresh batteries. There is no way to know how many people were trapped.

He didn't tell Beth anything. She knew he had to go. Another firefighter picked him up at the hospital. That way Beth could have the car.

He gave her a sweet kiss. His world revolved around her and Grayson.
"I love you, darling," he whispered, then kissed her bulging belly. He was walking on a cloud. All was awesome in his world.

Beth saw his bright 'all is great' smile and felt Grayson move, a little elbow or knee.

Tony saw the fire leaping, licking the old wooden apartments. He went right to work. He saw a small child waving from a window five floors up. In a matter of fifteen minutes, Tony saved that four year old by the cherry picker, handing him to another of his men. He was ready to get down.

Then he heard another child crying. That was his last coherent thought before a wall caved in on him.

He was pinned from the waist down. He slipped in and out of consciousness mentioning Beth, Grayson, his own parents. He was bleeding constantly from his large groin (femoral) vein. They couldn't get him out in time or reach the limb to stop the bleeding. He just stopped breathing from shock due to blood loss.

One of the other guys recovered the crying baby but sadly, both firefighter and child succumbed to burns and respiratory distress. Lives were lost that day but many residents got out thanks to the brave men of Station 54.

So today Beth stands on this cliff where she is so afraid. It is in the very mountains where Tony had proposed to her.
Tony had never been afraid. She opens the container and Tony's ashes blow everywhere, on her clothes and even in her eyes. The wind whips around her and she feels raw pain. Tony is free now, a part of nature that he loves so much.

Beth grabs on to a tree close to the edge. She can feel Tony's strength all around her. She can let go and cry. She sees clearly that when your time comes, God wraps you in His arms of love.

Beth whispers, "Tony, I will always cherish our love. I can hear your laughter in the wind. The child I carry has your dimples, crooked smile and golden strawberry hair. He will know his Dad died saving a little boy. He will never be alone or afraid."

Beth had a life ahead wrapped up with their child and helping to care for his Grandma Martin who had insisted Beth live with her. Grandma had a nurse. Being with Tony's Grandma is what Tony would want and they would help each other heal.



By Kathie Stehr























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