My Years

My Years

I witnessed a shadow this morning
The billowing demon of darkness
Desperate to find shelter from the morning air
I suppose I was just seeing my reflection
For that is what I witness every morning
As I gaze into the mirror
As I look open this face of ash and shade

I dreamed of blood last night
And instead of the nectar of my foes
Or the sweet liquid of the creatures of the light
It was my own source of emptiness
Spread out across my pillow: a portfolio of death
Slowly slinking off of the bed
As if it was repelled by me, as well

I heard music when all was silent yesterday
Thus proclaiming the loss of my mind and mentality
To which I had always assumed I never had
Always contemplating that statement would save me
For those proclaiming lunacy, cannot be lunatics
Perhaps that's just a version of our denial
And in the end, We are all what we fear to be

I've been caught in a sinful dream for the last two days
Not sure whether or not to follow the rabbit
Or drown in the torrent of tears on the other side of the door
I've always been too large for that door
Thoughts and emotions too massive for human understanding
So I will always be trapped on the outside
Thus never reaching my full potential

I sobbed for an entire week
I suppose, I'm still weeping now
Desperate to release those tormenting emotions
And break away from this oblivion of pain
Yet, something is holding me back from speaking to anyone
For, I know once the words are sounded
The only piece that is left would be the pity and anguish

I've been waiting for a nearly two years
Waiting for someone to wrap me in their arms
And make me fall into a deep slumber
I had thought I'd found that comfort
Yet, the unwillingness for the reality within love runs far deeper
Everyone wants the dream
I just want to be in his

I've been ill for seven years
And I've been saying that for five
Time has no meaning for the sick
And sickness has no love for time
Therefore, I am caught in a battle for my heart
My soul and body
Which one will conquer and slay me, I couldn't know

I've been writing for eternity
Preaching my words
And trying to understand my beauty
Yet, there are such sallow wantings
And every word is etched with whining or sin
I've begun to understand that is all I am
Words and emotions to be my downfall