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 Content Rating Notice: Recommended for Readers 18 Years and Older Only |
| >> Static Item >> Monologue >> Comedy >> ID #1385615 |   |
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* WDC’s tuxedoed Master of Ceremonies, broadcasting via live satellite hook-up with the Animal Planet Network, announces in a hushed, awed voice…* " Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the First Annual Writing-We’ll-Let-Anyone-Sign-Up-for-Membership-Dot-Com humungously gala and ginormously cheeky 2008 Roast of that Bushy-Tailed, Cyanotic-Purple-Portfolioed, monumentally incrediburgible Writing Rodent... DARKIN STORMY, DEMON SQUIRREL OF DOOM !!! " * the swanky black tie audience collectively rhythmically stamps its feet, does the wave, and roars its approval * "And now, please give a warm WDC welcome to our first Roaster of the evening, Miss Blabbigail VanHurlin’ Trump Gates Rock-A-Feller McGillicuddy !!! " * WDC's renown Aunt Blabby, sensuously svelte and resplendent in her sequined, body-hugging, fire engine red, floor-length evening gown, glides across the stage to the chocolate-covered-acorn-and-pinecone-bedecked podium…* "Thank you, distinguished Guests ~ and fellow Squirrel Lovers, Nut Crushers, and Pest Control Specialists from all over the planet! I’m deeply honored to speak to you this evening of a dear, dear rodent who’s gnawed her way into all of our hearts and many of our body orifices... the two clicks short of rabid, Demon Squirrel of Doom! Six long years ago, our beloved Darkin, (who opposes abortion because she was once a fetus... even though, as the mother of teenagers, she fully understands why animals eat their young), inadvertently sneezed on her keyboard while doing a Google search for Dominatrix sites and wound up on the doorstep of Writing.com instead. Call it fate… call it Karma… call it four out of five of the voices in her squirrelly head telling her to do it ~ any way you slice the banana peel, Darkin decided to join our merry band of WDC semi-literate fellow rodents! Perhaps, she breathed, this is my true destiny! Perhaps... I’m finally home! As is her coquettish habit when it comes to commandeering her husband Mighty Squirrel’s credit card, Darkin employed her Saw it…wanted it…GOT it ! Philosophy of Finance and joined WDC forthwith. And not a moment to soon… You see, Darkin was definitely not born with a silver acorn in her mouth. As a child, she was often heard to exclaim, Help! Daddy farted and we can’t get out !, and suffers to this day from Post-Traumatic Pull My Finger Syndrome. (We do our best to make light of her symptomatic full-frontal body tics by playing "Pin the Tail on the Darkin" without blindfolds.) Complicating matters all the more, poor li'l Darkin's entire family tended to be late for everything, dating as far back in history as when their industrious but woefully tardy ancestors fled from from the tyranny of acorn-blighted Upper Slobovia and immigrated to America's shining shores on the Juneflower. In short. let’s just say that Darkin's gene pool could use a generous dollop of chlorine… Her adolescence was fraught with frustration as well, but Demon Squirrel is nevertheless quite proud of the fact that she managed to graduate high school Magna Cum Loudest out of 252 Federal Witness Protection Candidate classmates who were alive only because homicide is illegal. As a bright albeit decidedly obsessive/compulsive college coed, Miss Thang Darkin became somewhat of a legend in the But all of that collegiate.. *ahem*... tail is... *ahem*... behind her now... our beloved Darkin has blossomed into bright-eyed, bushy-tailed She-squirrelhood. Despite her rather unbecoming prejudiced views regarding woodchucks, throngs here at WDC have come to adore her. Why, you ask? Perhaps the answers are best found in the closely held and adamantly proclaimed belief system to which she doggedly adheres, as evidenced by the following selected, characteristically smart-ass responses from her on a plethora of fronts, elicited during my recent WDC Tattler-Gazette… ****************************************************** "Well, Demon Dearest, I'm certain that everyone in this virtual room joins me in hysterically thanking you from somewhere near the bottom of our hearts, you darling little squirrel-person, not only for sharing so much of who you truly are with all your ardent WDC admirers ~ but for gracing us all with your wondrously rodenty presence in our midst. I just received your text message saying you’re so hungry you’re farting fresh air, so I’ll cut this short before you go all nutzoid on my ass. But before I go, what kind of friend would I be if I failed to make mention of your latest literary masterpieces, all on the Amazon.com Best Seller list, including, Humpty-Dumpty Was Pushed~ One Squirrel’s Battle to Uncover the Truth, Of All the Things I've Lost in Life, I Miss my Mind the Most, and, of course, our little Squirrel’s gripping life story,The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography" ? And for those of you wishing to partake of the riveting, WDC Academy Award winning audio-pictorial essay, " Darkin Stormy, This is YOUR LIFE!!! " at a multiplex webpage near you... INTERVIEW WITH A CRAZED SQUIRREL Inquiring minds are dying to know, Darkin ~ what are your thoughts on Intimacy and Squirrel Sexuality? Sex is a misdemeanor…the more I miss it, the meaner I get. I wish I could kill the sexiest person alive, but suicide is a crime. Real women don't have hot flashes; they have power surges. I'm not playing with myself... I'm just adjusting my jewelry. Its all fun and games until someone loses a Fallopian tube and/or testicle. Condoms are easier to change than diapers! Impotence is nature’s way of saying, "no hard feelings". If you smoke after sex, you're f-cking too fast. Any revelations regarding Relationships and Child Rearing? Men are idiots, and I married their King. I miss my husband, but my aim's improving. I got a car for my husband...not a bad trade. Coffee, chocolate, men... some things are just better rich. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, you're aiming too high. Children are like farts: your own are just about tolerable, but everyone else's are horrendous. I love to give homemade gifts ~ which one of my kids do you want? How about the hot-button issues Feminism and Gender Equality? All men are animals; some just make better pets. If a man feels attacked by feminism, it's probably a counter attack. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. I may be a cruel and heartless bitch, but I'm damn good at it I wish I was Barbie. That bitch has EVERYTHING. God is coming and she is PISSED! Prithee, Milady Darkin, wherefore doest thou stand, politically speaking? I’m huge on bipartisanship ~ I'll hug your elephant if you kiss my ass. I nominated Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. If George W. Bush is the answer, it must have been a really stupid question. Impeach President Bush… and her husband, too! On second thought ~ impeaching Bush would be a sh-tty thing to do to peaches. Stop repeat offenders... don't re-elect them! If we all quit voting, will they all just go away? Florida leads the nation in electile dysfunction. My favorite political quote: " I should never have invented the Electoral College." ~ Al Gore I've tried to see things from Republicans’ point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ass. What personal Squirrel-speak can you share with us on Religion and Spirituality? Do unto others before they do unto you. He who farts in church sits in his own pew. Lord give me patience... and hurry! Jesus is coming... look busy. As long as there are quizzes and tests, there will be prayer in schools! Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself. My God can beat up your God. Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. Jesus Saves… He passes it to Gretzky… He shoots… He SCORES ! Have you bitch-slapped a Televangelist today? God is my co-pilot, but the Devil’s my bombardier. Wrinkles are God's little way of saying, " I'm stepping on your face ". Sex is my religion.. let us pray! Darkin, what have you to say about the widespread WDC Latrine-o-gram rumors regarding you and... *ahem*... 'recreational substances' ? You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on. To you it's a six-pack; to me it's a support group. I’m not as think as you drunk I am. Never drink and drive ~ you might hit a bump and spill your drink. Take me drunk, I'm home. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs. I gave up sex, drugs, rock and roll, and booze...it was the worst 20 minutes of my life. Rehab is for quitters. What, Demon Dearest, are your Preferred Insults? If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport. Is that your head or is your neck blowing bubbles? Honk if you want to see my finger. Buckle up... it'll make it harder for aliens to suck you out of your car. What burning Issues, Quests, and Questions does your furry little heart most fervently ponder in life? Who put a stop payment on my reality check? What if there were no hypothetical questions? Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G? Should I leave my body to science fiction? How much deeper would the ocean would be without sponges? If you’re Born Again, do you have two bellybuttons? Have you any recommended Philosophies and/or Squirrelly Words to Live By? Everyone is entitled to my opinion You can pick your nose and pick your friends, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch. Life is a big feces sandwich, and every day they make you take another bite.. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train. Go bra-less… it’ll pull the wrinkles outta yer face. E. coli happens. Fat people are hard to kidnap. Friends help you move ~ real friends help you move bodies. Nuclear war can ruin your whole day. Ass, gas, or grass ~ nobody rides for free. I'm so happy, I could break out in little assholes and sh-t myself to death. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullsh-t; if you can’t baffle ‘em with bullsh-t, riddle ‘em with bullets. And finally, Demon, what are your thoughts about Mortality? I wanna die in my sleep at age 109, like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling, like the passengers in his car. And when I do get around to buying the farm, bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass! ****************************************************** Ladies and Gentlemen, my work here is done. Good night, beloved Darkin! Be well and prostate! " * Aunt Blabby, her perky little bodice heaving up and down and occasionally in and out with emotion, sweeps gracefully off the stage, blowing kisses to the somewhat stunned, emotionally spent and morally bankrupt Darkin and a cheering audience that has leaped to its collective feet in a resoundingly raucous standing ovation *  
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