Forgive Me, Father...For I Must Rock

Forgive Me, Father…For I Must Rock


Setting: Heaven, God’s office.

At rise: GOD is sitting with his feet propped up on his very messy desk, playing a Game Boy.


GOD
Suck it, Bowser! I’m about to kick your scaly green ass!

(JESUS enters, holding a sheet of paper.)

JESUS
Dad, can I talk to you about something?

GOD
(eyes still glued to the Game Boy)
Can it wait? I’m really swamped right now.

JESUS
Really? It looks like you’re playing a game.

GOD
Yeah, and I’m about to beat it! Finally, Princess Toadstool and I can live happily ever after!

JESUS
You haven’t beaten that game yet? You’ve been playing it for twenty years!

GOD
It’s hard! And the guy who created it can’t tell me how to beat it because I smote him for making the game too hard!

JESUS
Don’t you have more important things to do?

GOD
(scoffing)
Like what?

JESUS
Oh, I don’t know-ending wars, punishing people who don’t believe in you, cleaning those nudie magazines off your desk…

GOD
Prude.

JESUS
If we’re all “God’s children,” then technically you’re looking at naked pictures of your daughters. People go to prison for that on Earth.

GOD
Well, I don’t live on Earth; I live in Heaven, and I’m the Supreme Being, so I can do whatever I want!

JESUS
It’s a little creepy.

GOD
Did you just come here to lecture me, or did you have an actual reason for interrupting what could end up being one of the greatest moments of my entire life?

JESUS
Are you serious? That’s just sad.

GOD
Don’t judge me! And answer the question.

JESUS
Yes, I came here for a reason. I need to talk to you.

GOD
Then talk.

JESUS
Can you put the video game down? I think this deserves your full attention.

GOD
I’ll be the judge of that.

JESUS
(sighing)
You know that I’ve been unhappy for a long time-

GOD
(not listening)
Uh-huh.

JESUS
And that being the messiah is preventing me from following my dreams-

GOD
Uh-huh.

JESUS
And I just think- Could you please pay attention? This is important!

GOD
I am paying attention.

JESUS
You haven’t looked at me once since I walked in the room!

GOD
I have eyes in the back of my head, Jesus.

JESUS
They aren’t looking at me either!

GOD
Boy, you have to be the center of attention all the time, don’t you?

JESUS
You’re one to talk!

(Jesus angrily snatches the Game Boy out of God’s hands and stores it in his pocket.)

GOD
(dramatically)
Noooooooo!

JESUS
You can have it back after you listen to what I have to say.

GOD
(tearfully)
But I didn’t get a chance to pause it…

JESUS
Too bad!

GOD
(noticing Jesus’ paper)
What’s that? Another crappy drawing I’m supposed to pretend I like and hang on the refrigerator?

JESUS
How old do you think I am?

GOD
I don’t know, I’ve never really thought about it.

JESUS
(slamming the paper on God’s desk)
It’s a letter of resignation.

GOD
Being my son is a privilege, not a job…you can’t resign from it.

JESUS
I’m not resigning from the family, Dad. I just don’t want to be the messiah anymore!

GOD
You can’t quit! No one else knows how to do your job!

JESUS
Then I guess you’ll have to devote your time to training someone instead of spending every waking moment playing that stupid videogame!

GOD
(gasping)
Stupid?! It’s in the room, Jesus!

JESUS
(sarcastically)
Then I sincerely apologize for hurting its feelings.

GOD
Are you mocking me?

JESUS
Of course!

GOD
I guess I should expect such childish behavior from a man who doesn’t want to be the savior. I don’t know why you want to quit; you have the best job in the world…besides mine, of course.

JESUS
Are you kidding me? The crucifixion alone is bad enough, but the fact that it pays minimum wage and doesn’t offer health insurance officially makes this the worst job ever!

GOD
You should be grateful! Your mother wanted you to become a prostitute, but I put my foot down and said, “No! My boy has magic in his veins!”

JESUS
How many times do I have to tell you I’m not a magician?

GOD
I agree that you’re no David Copperfield, but turning water into wine is a pretty neat trick!

JESUS
I don’t do tricks!

GOD
It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s better than turning tricks, which is what you’d be doing-

JESUS
(interrupting)
My mother did not want me to be a prostitute!

GOD
How do you know?

JESUS
No mother wants that for her child!

GOD
Okay, smart guy, what about-

JESUS
(interrupting)
Not even women who are prostitutes! That’s one profession where no one wants their child to follow in their footsteps!

GOD
Touché. It seems I’ve taught you well.

JESUS
You haven’t taught me anything! My job requires kindness, compassion, and forgiveness…all things you haven’t managed to master yet! Mom and Dad taught me everything I know!

GOD
I’m your dad!

JESUS
You just made me-Joseph raised me!

GOD
He’s not even related to you! You were made in my image-mine!

JESUS
Joseph was always there for me!

GOD
So was I!

JESUS
Oh, yeah? Who taught me how to play catch? Who took me fishing every weekend? Who built me my first guitar?

GOD
I could kill Joseph for inventing the guitar! Should’ve known better than to let my son be raised by some hippie carpenter…

JESUS
If it weren’t for that “hippie carpenter,” I never would’ve figured out what I really want to do with my life!

GOD
(rolling his eyes)
Not this again…

JESUS
I have to live my dreams, Dad! Someone finally answered the ad I posted in Bass Player Magazine, so J.C. and the Holy Trinity of Rock is complete!

GOD
(laughing)
Is that the best name you could come up with?

JESUS
I think it really captures the essence of the band.

GOD
(amused)
So, what kind of music do you guys play?

JESUS
Christian metal.

GOD
Really? That sounds awful!

JESUS
It’s going to revolutionize the music industry…trust me.

GOD
I don’t think the world is ready for Christian metal…I don’t know if they’ll ever be.

JESUS
They are ready…they just don’t know it yet!

GOD
No offense, Jesus, but this is a terrible idea. You’re going to humiliate yourself! You’re just so…vanilla.

JESUS
I was born to rock!

GOD
No, you were born to die for everyone’s sins, do magic tricks, and tell people how awesome I am! Your purpose is to be the savior!

JESUS
Of rock?

GOD
If there were a savior of rock, it wouldn’t be you! It would be someone cool…like Judas.

JESUS
(horrified)
Judas is a drummer!

GOD
Yeah, but he’s badass! That guy gets chicks like crazy, and he owns at least ten pairs of leather pants! Do you even own one pair?

JESUS
I don’t need leather pants to rock! My music comes from the soul!

GOD
Your soul is pure and innocent…that’s not what rock is about! If you know what’s good for you, you’ll keep your day job for a few more centuries.

JESUS
No! Being the savior doesn’t make me happy-I need to follow my dreams! If you cared about me, you’d let me do what I want with my life!

GOD
I do care about you!

JESUS
Then why don’t you want the world to hear my music?

GOD
I’m just looking out for you, Jesus. There’s a pretty good chance you’re going to embarrass yourself…and that’s gonna make me look bad too.

JESUS
I will not let you crush my dreams, old man! I don’t answer to you anymore-I only answer to rock!

GOD
Hate to break it to ya, buddy, but rock thinks your music sucks!

JESUS
Oh, really? Then what’s that sound?

GOD
(listening)
I don’t hear anything.

JESUS
It’s the sound of rock calling my name.

GOD
Sounds like delusion to me.

JESUS
Why can’t you just support me?

GOD
Because your dreams are stupid.

JESUS
You know what? I was going to give you two weeks notice, but you can forget it! I’m out of here!

GOD
Jesus-

JESUS
(interrupting)
Don’t try to stop me!

GOD
I wasn’t going to.

JESUS
Then what is it?

GOD
Can I have my Game Boy back?

JESUS
Dad, you don’t have time for games…you’re going to have to be the messiah until you find a new one.

GOD
No!

(Jesus takes the Game Boy out of his pocket.)

JESUS
(smiling)
But this thing sure will help me pass the time during those long hours on the tour bus.

GOD
Jesus, let’s be reasonable about this!

(Jesus heads toward the exit, then turns to face God as he reaches the “door.”)

JESUS
Have fun being messiah, Dad. You better get used to being nice to people…that is the most important part of the job. You know, do unto others…

(Jesus laughs as he exits. God runs to the “door.”)

GOD
(yelling after Jesus)
You can take away my Game Boy and leave me no choice but to do your job, but you cannot force me to be nice! I will never be nice!

(As the lights fade to black:)

GOD
(dramatically)
Never!