Samsara, or the Other Side of Never

Saṃsāra

Although it is often ear-painfully clear to anyone who has come to know me, I don't adhere to any form of religion. I've gone past being an agnostic and stepped fully into atheism some years ago.

However, I appreciate the symbolism behind Oriental religious practices. The inheritance of the karmic balance at the time of death by way of rebirth has always fascinated me with its potential for metaphor and analogy. Saṃsāra applies to me in a sense which is a crooked rendition of its principal one: It is the ongoing cycle of birth, death and rebirth of my creative self and its produce.

Hi. Bellatrix, commonly known as Gamma Orionis, is part of the constellation Orion, and is considered the twenty-seventh brightest star in the night-time sky. Twenty-seven, according to certain astrologists, is approximately the number of years it takes Saturn to return in the sky of any of the astrological signs after leaving it shortly after birth. It is then that a person's sense of duty and responsibility is unearthed, largely a belief that explains why individuals then re-evaluate their lives and goals in view of principles of practicality and limitation. Saturn's Houses are the first eight, which stretch from the first House, representing birth, to the eight, representing death. It is the moment of judgement that when Saturn re-enters the sky.

I am twenty years old. I love the (sometimes hidden) layering of meaning behind every detail, as you can see.

Born, raised, and currently living in Romania, I haven't had much opportunity to explore other countries, though I am working my way towards visiting the globe by the time I'm ninety-seven (just in time to return to Romania to watch the 2080 total eclipse of the Sun). In late-August 2008 I will be leaving on a scholarship to Germany to study History and Theory of Art and Literature for three years in the town of Bremen.

I'm critical, honest and callous. I love my friends more than my lovers. I have serious issues concerning my mother and utterly adore my two step-sisters, her daughters. I am bisexual and completely insecure about my looks, my mind, my intellect and my life. I am going through life in a permanent state of lethargy, and I hate myself for it.

I am not a child prodigy, and, accordingly, there will be no I-was-writing-from-the-womb reminisces here. I like prose more than poetry, and I understand poetry less than life. I never get my way, which frustrates me beyond relief. I work when I write; I expect it will never be anything less than hard work, but it's the only thing worth doing. I can never escape my mind.

Generally speaking, I'm courteous even when I hate your guts and will surely wish you a painful death in the most polite way. I'm obsessive. I'm lazy, a true sloth. I will love you for ever if you show me the smallest kindness.

I think you might conceivably dislike me now, or maybe you've fallen in love with me. Either way, show me your writing and only then can we start making wedding plans. I like what I like.

Yours truly,

Bellatrix.