I love you, I really do.

Dear Mom,

Today you called me and shook up my entire world. You said "Have you ever thought about shooting yourself?" It was the first time I have ever heard you being suicidal and it scared the living hell out of me.

I was once the suicidal one. I was the depressed teen with all the emotional problems and I never paid any attention to your depression, although you always paid attention to mine. I blamed you for my problems, and honestly I still do. But the fact of the matter is, you are human just like me. And we all make mistakes.

I still remember after dad died, when you wouldn't get out of bed. That was when I learned to fend for myself. I learned to get myself up and ready for school, to do my homework without you checking it, to forge your signature on permission slips, to cook, to clean, to do everything for myself. I knew you were depressed. But it never hit me until today how depressed you were.

I've been to that point, too. Not having much to live for. Wanting to disappear. At that point I was suicidal... but I never realized that my own mother could be suicidal too. It wasn't until today that it hit me, you are just like me. Or rather, I am just like you.

I know the feeling all to well of wanting to end it all. Of not finding anything to live for. What I haven't gone through, though, is the pain you manage every single day. I know you suffer greatly in your age, I know your immune system is attacking your joints, I know all the facts and medical definitions. But, I'm not in your shoes and I don't actually feel it. And it hurts mme most of all to not be able to do anything about it.

To me, you seem the same as you did when I wasa kid, back when everything was alright. You are back to your sences once again and not running around like a teenager. You take care of yourself, and me, and your boyfirned, and my family. You take care of everyone. I see you in the light of being in your 40's, not nearing the end of your 50's.

I still see you as healthy and strong. And even though I may not have seen you as Super-women when I was a teenager - I see you as Super-woman now. It kills me to think that you have the same mental disease as I do. It kills me to think that you would even think of such things.

I know that pain. I know the pain of not wanting to be alive anymore. I know the pain where you don't here a reasuring word, only the negative. I know the pain where you just cant pull yourself up alone. And I never thought my own mother ever would have to feel that pain.

I've always considered it "My disease", "My pain", "My cancer". I've always thought of it as something I diserve. But not in a million year do you diserve to live with this, Mom, not in a million years. You don't diserve this pain and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't cure it. More than that, I'm sorry I don't hug you, I'm sorry I don't curl up in your arms like I did as a child, I'm sorry I grew up and became what I did... I'm sorry I can't say all the right things...

I know that deep down inside, I'm still suicidal. It's the little bit of suicidal that is easy to hide. Dapheria, my daughter, your grand daughter, makes it easy for me to puch that feeling aside. With her, I suddenly understand why I never realized you were suicidal before. She kisses me when I cry and wraps her little arms around my neck, hugging me until I choke, and I smile at that choking feeling because I know I have something to live for. Suddenly those thoughts are washed away and I am happy. When the disease caught a hold of you, I was still that sweet little child, cuddling up to you whenever I could, laying in the comfort of the fat between your arm and your breast. I'd hug you when I came home from school, and kiss you whenever you cried. It didn't seem like much to me, but now I realize that I was the one who chased those tendencies away. I was who kept you alive. Just like it's my daughter keeping me alive.

Now I'm all grown up. And I don't hug you. I don't kiss you. I don't show my affection. Just meesly "thank you"'s and constant "can I borrow"'s. I always take for granted the idea that you know how much you mean to me, but on days like today I realize that maybe you don't. Maybe my lack of affection has made you feel worthless and unloved. Maybe the only feelings of self-worth you have are when you come to visit your grand child and she hugs you like she hugs me. Maybe she is really all you have to live for, and I have done nothing but push you closer to the edge.

I don't know what to say but I'm sorry. And not only that I'm sorry, but also that I love you. Oh god, I love you. Regardless of our issues, our pain, our differences... You have been the only person to be there throughout my ENTIRE life. I've never kept friends. I'm not close to relatives. ou are all I have and I love you for continuing to be there for me, no matter what. I love you for all you have given me, and all you offer to me. I love you for being my rock and my strong hold. Honeslty, I don't know what I'd do without you... and I don't mean that in the cliche greeting card way - I mean seriously I really don't know what I would do without you.

I can't imagine you ever dieing, let alone commiting suicide. Honestly, when you said what you said today and I couldnt stop thinking about it I thought about the "Truth". I thought about the fact that if you commited suicide while your back was turned from the "TRUTH", you wouldn't qualify as the Faithful or Unfaithful. You would be one of those who was conscious of nothing at all. And if I had to be resurrected to a paradise on earth for all eternity... well I wouldn't want to be without you there. It would all mean nothing if you weren't in that paradise with me. And I don't think I'd want to go without you.

I don't think I could do much without you.

And even though I'm not good at showing it, Mom, I really do love you.


Love,
Dawnnisa