The Judgment of Paris

1
In a time not so long ago,
In a place not so far away
The Gods came down from Olympus;
Down from their fairest Hollywood
To witness marriage; witness woe.

2
They came clothed in all their glamour,;
Their Gucci, their Prada; Chanel;
To behold in studded glory
An athlete and a model wed
‘Mid much rejoicing and clamor

3
Bravest David of much renown,
Known by world wide, for fair his game,
Stood with a gleam in his blue eyes
And Adidas cleats upon his feet,
Waiting to get under her gown.

4
Came the anorexic maiden
Clothed in a most unworthy white
To stand before the actor Stone.
She stood, air brushed to perfection
As she awaited their fade-in.

5
And so they came by ones and twos,
Actors, models and mistresses.
Came they from New York and London,
From mighty A-list unto C
To sit ‘mung Invite Only pews.

6
And who should be left ‘lone outside
But those wielders of pens and film,
True deceivers, masters of lies.
The Paparazzi; noble press,
Of holy enterprise denied.

7
But who can stop the mighty press
Should it some story seek to tell?
And since they uninvited be,
The tabloids united as friends
To bring on not good, but bad press.

8
Upon the gift table there stood
Amid the gaudy whites and pinks
A solemn package hot sheet wrapped:
Dressed in a simple golden bow
For the fairest of Hollywood.

9
So Hera, now known as Lynette
Did finger the mighty tag and muse
That she alone did "Fairest" mean.
She looked around, so circumspect
But the gift was not hers to get.

10
Beside her in beauty fair
Bold Sharron, worthy CEO;
No longer by Athena known;
Did contemplate the self-same gift:
Thought none could her beauty compare.

11
Yet so too another stood by
The most fairest Aphrodite
Who now by Pamela did go.
With flaxen hair and man-made breasts,
She could discern the gift's bold lie.

12
Oh, who could e'er describe the sight
As their argument did ensue?
How struck the MILF, the Tom, the Toy?
How gawked all eyes as hair was pulled
In a three-way goddess chick fight.

13
Then upward rose the swinger Paul,
Who sought to ruffled feathers sooth.
Proposed he that this, contest, be
And that the Senator should judge
And affirm beauty before all.

14
But Zeus would never be so dumb.
The mighty Swanson did deny
Any motion to intercede.
Quote he, could not impartial be
Lynette did long his wife become.

15
So, with much deliberation,
Amid focus groups and agents,
A decision was fin'lly made.
Would find one who could beauty judge
To assist their situation.

16
So did they Carmen's PA send
To find a hot, unaware youth.
His wingéd feet did travel forth
In a hub spinning HV 2
To the streets of Hollywood bend.

17
Thusly there upon fabled roads
Did Harris, flighty Paris, find;
Brainless, with impeccable style,
Who sought and sought but could not find
Her prince among the lowly toads.

18
He came to her with eager words,
Baited with mindless flattery
To meet these Goddesses and fame.
So he grabbed his cell; made the call
And summoned the sheep to the herds.

19
So they came from every which way,
Some in costume, some in style wend
To this girl who would judgment call.
The whole wedding moved to contest see
Who would win and who'd the price pay.

20
Out stepped Lynette, her SUV,
Brave soccer mom and trophy wife,
All glitz in her glitter and gold.
Heads turned as necks cracked as they craned
To a sight of Swanson's wife see.

21
Then came Sharron dressed all in black,
All power in her limousine.
What n aura, so imposing
With a Blackberry in her ear;
A face that did no beauty lack.

22
And lastly did Pamela ‘pear
In her pink and gold limousine;
This goddess was a centerfold.
So turned all eyes on ladies three
As they unto Paris drew near.

23
And so was Paris filled with awe
At each step made by Pamela;
At Sharron's graceful power-suit;
At Swanson's stunning trophy wife;
These makers of Hollywood law.

24
And all around them notebooks flipped
As the cam'ra's started rolling
To capture for posterity
The great Judgment of Paris
And the awe into which she'd slipped.

25
Now Lynette did proposition
Unto the awestruck Paris girl
The bounty of a perfect life.
Must name Lynette the fairest one
For the Pool Boy's in position.

26
Then Sharron offered Corp'rate shares;
The leading vote and power's call
And all that money to control.
Just let me be the fairest known
And accept all those jealous stares.

27
Yet Pamela'd ne'er be out shown
And promised as was want to vow
Unto Paris the perfect man.
One favor did she ask was all:
That Baywatch babe be beauty known.

28
So Paris did each contemplate
Over beauty and more o'er bribe
Afore the flashing and pen strokes.
How eager silence did descend
When Paris moved to satiate.

29
Thus her red lips moved and voice spoke
Unto the stars and ‘razzi's ears
That Pamela outshone them all.
So she did loose a practiced squeal
As a wave of flashes o'er broke.

30
Oh, how the two losers then glared
At the flighty blonde before them.
Spoke to themselves in muttered breath
Of curses; of vengeance and doom
To the one who starry eyed stared.

31
And when all the fussing was done,
And Pamela press packet ‘cieved
Did Paris the Perfect Man.
Oh, how tall, how strong, how built he,
The fair and gentle man she'd won.

32
How perfectly presented her,
Such style in clothing and hair,
That Paris could not keep her breath.
He cooks, he cleans, he washes too,
Whispered Pamela so gaily.

33
So out they went to shop and play,
Paris and her new won Hayden.
He pampered her her e'ery whim
‘Til they entered in her cloister...
Turns out, the perfect man was gay.

34
As sat and talked, she came to know
That Hayden was a noble G.R.E.E.K..
Yet the Gay Rights Education
And Enrichment Koalition
Was not happy was taken so.

35
Hayden had a part'ner back home,
A high born figure ‘mung the G.R.E.E.K.s
Who wanted still his love to hold.
Menelaus called his favors
From all the action groups who roam.

36
So lawyers eager answered calls
To assail the kingdom of Troy.
It split the ranks of Hollywood
'Tween Thespian Rights Old and Young
And the prowess of the G.R.E.E.K. halls.

37
And so it was that war began,
The G.R.E.E.K. siege of the mighty T.R.O.Y.
That would not end till Trojan® broke.
For seven years the siege was lain
O'er the grace of a Perfect Man.