Intro to Dialog - Lesson 1

Assignment 1

Find at least two examples from each of the above lists (Common Mistakes and A Few Quick Tips For Improving Dialogue) in your work or the work of others. This work can be from writing.com or anywhere on the internet, but please provide a link and/or web address to the item/s where you find your examples.

For each example explain why you have chosen it? Is your example an example of poor dialogue (from the Common Mistakes List) or good dialogue (From the A Few Quick Tips For Improving Dialogue List?)

If it's an example of poor dialogue what do you think the author did wrong and what could they do to improve it? Give examples/quotes where nessesary to highlight your points/suggestions.

If it's an example of good dialogue then what do you think the author did right, why does it work so well? Even though this is an example of good dialogue is there any room for improvement and if so how do you feel it could be improved? Give examples/quotes where necessary to highlight your points/suggestions.


1)
Good example: From The Glory of Magic

ID: 1194405   (Rated: 13+) Chapter 1 - The Whip  Protagonist Tinder reacts to slave master Mullins' cruelty and is punished. by David Gere

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I liked this segment of dialog I wrote in the first chapter of my book "The Glory of Magic." I thought I helped make it understand who were the speakers by setting the tags stratgeically in different places. I also broke up the speech so as it was not non-stop but instead had small breaks in the dialog for action without the action being placed there just to break up the conversation. In other words the action was relevant and added to the story rather than distracting the reader.

What I would do to improve it is to pay more attention to the difference between a man's voice and a woman's. In this passage, as it is true in most of my dialog, the speech seems to always be spoken from a different part of me rather than an external creation.
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Tinder daydreamed running his hands over Ruby's rump.

"Go talk to her," said Sapphire.

Tinder quickly looked away.

"What are you afraid of?" asked Sapphire. "What's the worst that can happen? Nothing worse than never knowing."

"I'm not good enough for her," said Tinder, looking down.

"Nonsense! Look at you! Your head is classically block-shaped. You have golden-brown body hair, so rare. And that flat chin makes your fleshy, brown lips so kissable.

"I don't feel handsome," he said.

"I tell you Tinder, if I wasn't your best friend . . ."

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Bad Example #1 - From The Glory of Magic

ID: 1194405   (Rated: 13+) Chapter 1 - The Whip  Protagonist Tinder reacts to slave master Mullins' cruelty and is punished. by David Gere

I felt like the conversation in the following section was totally out of place as if a character from our world said the words "May I have another?" it would be a bad choice of words as it is a misplaced cliche. But in this fantasy novel, it has absolutely no place. Neither the troll Koop nor the human slave master Mullins would ever say anything like that.

The solution would be just to have Mullins count down without any extra embellishments:

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Mullins advanced, raised the whip, and brought it down. Koop shrieked, convulsed and fell to his knees. A gash of blood formed on his back. The gore made Tinder's stomach sick with the realization that the rope had been soaked in a dilute solution of firewhite.

"That's one," said Mullins. "Ask me for another!"

Koop rose with knees shaking and his fingernails digging into the mountain side. He made no answer.

Mullins cracked the whip again. "That's one!" he said.

Koop pulled himself up to a standing position and screamed, "Stop! May I have another?"

"That's two!"
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Good example #2 - From The Glory of Magic

ID: 1194406   (Rated: 13+) Chapter 2 - The Pit  Sapphire takes measures into her own hands. by David Gere

I thought I did a good job with the dialect I gave these two human prison guards. Usually when I try to alter dialects or use slang it ends up sounding pretty artificial. So for me this was pretty good.

The biggest problem with it is I don't stay with that kind of dialect-slang for all the humans for the rest of the book. For that reason it makes it look like these are the only two humans in the book who speak this way, and the only sensible way to change it from the skills I have now is just change them to talking the same way as all the other characters in the book.

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Sapphire's heartbeat escalated to double time as she stiffened and waited. "Here it is, matie," said a jovial voice.
The man's cheerfulness baffled Sapphire.
"Sonny, I told you. I knew they fell out of me pocket' around here.
"Didn't matter to me, Henry. Morning shift has its own set of keys."
"I know, but still. . ."
"Just means he'll get a last breakfast after all."
The two men burst into laughter.

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Bad Example #2 - From The Glory of Magic

ID: 1229488   (Rated: E) Chapter 14 - The Trinity Devil  An old friend tries to help the three by David Gere

The problem is I have a Nomad (like a gypsy), a soldier from a different country, and two trolls from two different countries all speaking and you can't tell any one from the other without their tags.
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"The most powerful dark wizard in Polhaus is the Medlyn sorcerer Rasturtian," he began.

"I should have known," said Tinder, pounding a fist into his palm. "A slaver."

"He cheated all the other dark magicians by accumulating their powers and investing them into the creation of the Black Bloodstone. Don't ask me how. It's wizard business and I don't pretend to know their ways. But the Bloodstone became the greatest source of magic in Polhaus, and whoever possesses it has the potential to rule the continent."

Tinder felt Opal twirl the tresses on the top of his head, wrap them around her index finger and pull them into knots.

"Narkus is Rasturtian's son," said Gerard.

Tinder felt a jerk on a portion of his hair.

"Owww!"

You can say that again, said the voice Tinder recognized as Koop.

"We are in his son's prison?" asked Opal.

"Yes," said Gerard. "And the Shapechanger has the Black Bloodstone."



To change it I might try:

"Rasturtian is the most powerful wizard on Polhaus, and he's a bad one," he began.

"I knew it," said Tinder.

"Aye! He cheated all his cronies by stealing their powers and investing the magic into the making of the Black Bloodstone. Don't ask me how. It's wizards' business and I don't pretend to know their ways. It is such powerful black magic though he would rule the continent if things were not so."

Tinder felt Opal twirl the tresses on the top of his head, wrap them around her index finger and pull them into knots.

"Narkus is Rasturtian's son," said Gerard.

Tinder felt a jerk on a portion of his hair.

"Owww!"

You can say that again, said the voice Tinder recognized as Koop.

"We are in his son's prison?" asked Opal.

"Aye," said Gerard. "And the Shapechanger has the Black Bloodstone."