The Last Night

Her shoulders shook with the force of her sobs, although she tried to muffle them in the stuffed penguin she clutched to her chest.  Her eyes were bloodshot and brilliant with tears as more streaked down her face in wild streams.

It couldn't be true.  It just couldn't.  Her sweet, precious dog, her wonderful eleven-year-old German Shepherd, could NOT be dead.  It just wasn't possible.  It was too soon...too unexpected...she'd just seen him that morning lying contentedly in front of the heater, basking in the warmth.  It felt good on his poor arthritic body.  She'd been running late as usual, but had managed to stop and pat his head, gently feeling the soft, silky fur of his ears.  He had licked her hand.  He'd seemed perfectly fine, his normal self.

It didn't seem possible that only half a day later, they would have to put him to sleep.

"Aspen," she whimpered into the pillow, her body shivering, hiccuping as the tears poured down her face.  "I never got to say goodbye...I love you, Aspen...please let this not be true, please let this be a nightmare..."

They got him when she was six years old.  She couldn't go with her dad and sister to pick him out, because she was sick, so her mom stayed home with her while the other two ventured forth to pick out a German Shepherd puppy.  He was the most adorable thing she'd ever seen when they returned, a cuddly ball of fuzz curled up in her sister's lap.  Her dad told her that he hadn't picked Aspen; Aspen picked him.

She curled up in the tiniest ball she could manage on the couch, feeling her eyelashes, spiky and wet with tears, against her arm as she faced into the cushions, unwilling to have anyone witness her complete and total breakdown.

He was her snuggle boo.  He was the one she crawled across the floor to when she was upset~although most of the time, he could sense when she was crying or upset and go over there himself, his nose cold and wet against her cheek, his tongue slurping out against her face or hands until she couldn't help but giggle, cheered up by his adorable furry face.  He was the only one who ever loved her completely and unconditionally.  He was the only one who never hurt her.  He was her refuge, her furry, fuzzy, cuddly little haven.

She couldn't believe she was still crying.  She'd been crying for so long, her eyes actually hurt.  When she looked at the clock, she realized that that was because she'd been crying for six hours, virtually nonstop.  The tears poured down unchecked, still, her body racked with sobbing.  The grief was a black maelstrom of despair in her mind.

"Please..." she whispered into the fabric of the pillow.  "Please...I didn't even get to say goodbye.  I didn't get to--to tell him how much I love him.  Please..."

Exhausted by all the tears, she fell into a fitful sleep, her dreams and tortured mind still full of rambling what-ifs and static pictures of her dog.

When she woke up, she frowned in puzzlement.  Something was wrong...something was different.  But she couldn't figure out what it was.  Until it hit her~the lamp was on full-strength.  When she'd gone to sleep, it had been on its dimmest setting.

"Someone must have turned it up for some reason," she whispered hoarsely to herself, pushing herself to a sitting position, then freezing.

Her clothes were different.  She wasn't wearing the same thing she had been wearing that day.  She was wearing...her jaw dropped open.

She was wearing what she'd been wearing the night before.

Leaping up, a spark of hope starting to glimmer in her heart, she yanked her cell phone out of her pocket, staring frantically at the display.

"Sunday, April 20, 2008, 11:30 p.m."

"Oh my God," she whispered, her voice strengthless, literally sitting down hard on the floor.  Tears gathered in her eyes.  "I can...I can say goodbye...I can tell him what he means to me, I can..."

She looked around, peeking around the corner of the wall hopefully, her eyes wider.

Aspen lay in front of the heater, his tail curled up around his back paws, his head resting on his front ones.  He looked up sleepily at her as she fell to her knees before him, petting his head gently.

"Aspen," she managed to say, her voice cracking.  "Aspen, I love you, baby...you know how much I love you, don't you?  You're my precious little boo, yes, you are..." She babbled endearments in his ears, cooing over him, as she gently tugged him closer, pulling his head into her lap.  He regarded her with long-suffering golden-brown eyes, but licked her hand willingly enough.  His face seemed to say "I'm sleepy, go away, silly girl," but he didn't bite her or anything, just let her pet him.

Sarah leaned forward and kissed his nose, giggling a little when his tongue sneaked out and swiped along her cheek.  She wriggled into a lying down position, cuddling as much as she could with her dog.  Scratching the top of his head, she smiled when his hind foot started kicking in happiness.

"I love you," she said over and over.  "You're my sweet boo, my darling booby doo, smoochy darling, sweetheart, I love you, Aspen..."

A sudden thought struck her.  Her family.  She had to wake her family up and make them do this, too.  They needed to be with him.  They needed to tell him how much they loved him.

Slowly getting up, she gave him a final, caressing pat on the top of his head, then flipped on the dining room light so she could see well enough to clamber into the bedroom she shared with her sister.  Tammy was sound asleep.

"Tammy, wake up," she whispered urgently, standing on the bottom bunk and shaking her sister a little with one hand.  Tammy muttered something under her breath and rolled away.  "No, Tammy, wake up!" she insisted, tugging the blanket off.

"What?" Tammy complained, yawning, her eyes foggy with sleep.  "I have to go to school tomorrow...and get up at six, what do you want?"

"Um..." she fumbled for words.  "You need to come tell Boo how you love him."

"Why?" her sister stared at her in utter confusion and annoyance.  "Sarah, it's like midnight or something.  I'll do it tomorrow."

"NO!" Sarah burst out, frantic.  "No, please, Tammy, you need to do it now.  I promise, you need to do it now, please get out of bed, sissy, please..."

"All right, fine," Tammy grumbled, making her slow, sleepy way out of bed.  "Just for you, I guess...although you better have a reason."

"Just do it," she said.  Then Sarah walked quickly across the house, heading for her parents' room.  Although she knew they would be home tomorrow, she thought they needed this, too...needed to be with him.

Her dad was still up, although he was just shutting the computer down.  He looked up in surprise when she burst into the room.

"Sarah, be quiet, you'll wake up your mother," he said sternly.

"I know!" she said.  "I want to.  Please...we have to go and pet Aspen and tell him how much we love him."

"What?" he asked blankly.  "Sarah, why would we do that?  Go to bed.  Your mom is sleeping.  She has to get up for work tomorrow, remember?  And you have school.  Go to sleep."

"No!," she insisted, nearly hysterical.  Tears sparkled in her eyes, turning them brilliant blue.  "Please, Daddy, please."

Her mother stirred, looking up sleepily.

"Sarah?  What is it?" Mom asked in confusion.

"Please, you have to get up and tell Aspen how you love him," she insisted.  Her mother stared at her.

"But...why?" she asked.  "I could just tell him tomorrow if you're all that concerned...I mean, it's not like he doesn't know..."

"No, we have to do it now," Sarah said stubbornly.

"Fine," Mom said, rolling her eyes.  "Is this one of your silly OCD things or whatever?  Like with the aluminium foil and putting it back in the right spot?"

"No!" she said, running around the bed and tugging her dad closer to the door.  He went reluctantly, making faces at her with every step.

Tammy had managed to get Aspen a little farther away from the heater, and was busy patting his ears sleepily, pulling him back into her lap when he tried to move.

Mom sat down next to him, stifling a huge yawn and patting his side briskly, cuddling into his fur.

"Who's Mama's big boy?" she asked, her voice sweet and high-pitched.  "Who's my good boo?  You are, sweetie.  You're the big ham, the big cheese, the head honcho.  Our Booby Doo, yes, you are."

Sarah watched her dad as he called the dog up and over towards him.  Aspen moved a little stiffly, but went over willingly enough, his tail wagging in joy as he went to his master, although he was clearly confused about what was going on.  As was most of the family.  Although she was surprised that they hadn't argued more.  Tonight seemed to be a special last-chance occasion where they were caught in its magic.

As she watched her family cuddle and pet him, whispering sleepy endearments of what a boo he was, she felt tears start to slide down her face.

"Are you all right, Sarah?" her mom asked, looking up.  She nodded, managing to stifle the tears.

"Okay, that's enough," her sister yawned.  "I'm going back to bed."  She gave Aspen one last affectionate pat on his front paw.

Her parents also managed to drift back to bed, but Sarah couldn't leave him.  She just couldn't.  Tears overflowed her eyes at the thought. 

This night is JUST for him, she thought, snuggling up next to him, lying on the floor and everything.  The heater purred to life, warming them both.

"I won't leave you, Aspen," she whispered, staring into his eyes.  He tried to lick her mouth and she giggled, moving away a little.  "No, baby, no licky my mouth, 'kay, sweetheart?  I love you, anyway, Boo.  You're my boo.  Nothing will change that, I swear."

She didn't move all night, just lay there, cuddled up to the big German Shepherd, her own eyes finally closing in weary defeat, but still drowsily petting Aspen.  Her last words before she finally fell asleep were, "I love you, Aspen Boo."

When she woke up again, she was on the couch, her eyes sore from crying, her cheeks still wet.

But she'd gotten that one last chance to say goodbye.



R.I.P. Aspen Mudpots Sir Bark and Bite a Lot Goofball Booby Doo. We will NEVER forget you.