Messiah Island

Messiah Island

Setting: An island, evening.

At rise: Two men, MICHAEL and CHRIS, sit on the ground. They are dirty, wearing ratty clothing, and their long hair is greasy and matted. There is a big bucket in the center of the stage.


ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Tonight on Messiah Island, the battle to replace Jesus comes to an end. One contestant will become the savior; the other is doomed to appear on VH-1 reality shows for the rest of his disappointing life. Which man is destined to be the chosen one? Stay tuned, and soon you'll know the answer!

(GOD enters, wearing white shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, expensive-looking sandals, and a "Gilligan" hat.)

GOD
Michael, Chris...the last eleven weeks have been quite a journey, but every journey has to end sometime. For one of you, your journey will end tonight, and for the other...well, you'll be starting a new journey, one that has only been taken once before.

CHRIS
(jumping up)
I am so pumped!

GOD
I don't recall telling you to stand, Chris. What did I say was the third-most important quality in a messiah?

CHRIS
Long hair?

GOD
No, that's number one.

(Michael raises his hand.)


GOD
Yes, Michael?

MICHAEL
The ability to follow directions!

GOD
Michael-1, Chris-0.

(Chris pouts and sits back down.)

GOD
Chris, when you first came to the island, did you have any idea that you would make it this far in the game?

CHRIS
Actually, I did, God...because I knew that I would do whatever it takes to win!

GOD
And exactly what would that be?

CHRIS
Lying and stabbing everybody in the back!

GOD
Well, you've made it to the final two, so I guess your strategy worked.

CHRIS
What can I say? Law school taught me well.

GOD
Indeed. What about you, Michael?

MICHAEL
I had a simple strategy: what would Jesus do? I just did my best to treat the other contestants with kindness and respect...after all, that's what Jesus was known for.

CHRIS
(coughing)
Suck-up!

GOD
So your strategy was the complete opposite of Chris' approach, yet it still worked...simply amazing!

CHRIS
(rolling his eyes)
Whatever...

GOD
Are you two ready for tonight's first challenge?

MICHAEL
Yes, sir!

CHRIS
(screaming)
Whoo!

GOD
Okay, the challenge is...

(God takes an unbearably long pause as Michael silently prays and Chris fidgets and taps his foot on the ground. God pulls a fish (obviously dead) out of the bucket.)

GOD
Rid this fish of evil spirits.

CHRIS
What?

MICHAEL
I'll do my best, dear Lord.

(Michael takes the fish and holds it to his chest. He closes his eyes.)

MICHAEL
(in the style of a televangelist)
Turn away from the darkness, immoral fish! Let my love radiate through your wayward scales and set you on the righteous path! You coveted your neighbor's wife, fishy, and that was wrong, but I shall rid you of the evil inside you and lead you back to God!

(The fish slips out of Michael's grasp and hits the ground.)

CHRIS
I think he's dead.

GOD
Then I guess he's no longer filled with evil! Well done, Michael! You're the winner of the evil-ridding challenge!

CHRIS
But I didn't even get to try!

GOD
Well, I hardly see the point now.

CHRIS
This is bullshit!

MICHAEL
Thou shalt not use that word in the presence of the Lord, Chris!

GOD
It's okay, Michael. That's actually one of my favorite words.

MICHAEL
Oh.

CHRIS
In your face!

GOD
Let's move on, shall we? As messiah, your primary job will be to preach my word and make everyone love me even more than they already do. Your second challenge is to give a speech about how great I am. Michael, since you won the previous challenge, why don't you go first?

MICHAEL
I would be honored.
(taking a deep breath)
God...there's no one like Him. He can be anything you want Him to be-father, mother, sister, brother, friend, lover, pet...the possibilities are endless! Without God, we wouldn't be here, so you should repay Him with your undying love and devotion. You should think of no one but Him, dream of no one but Him, eat, drink, and breathe no one but Him-

GOD
(interrupting)
Okay, I get the drift!

MICHAEL
I love you!

GOD
(uncomfortably)
Thanks... Chris, I'd really like to hear your speech now.
(whispering loudly)
Trust me, you can't lose!

MICHAEL
I heard that!

GOD
(obnoxiously)
Whoops!

CHRIS
I may not be head-over-heels for God, like Michael here, but I can't deny that I love the guy. The only difference is that I love God in a platonic way, not in a creepy stalkerish way. I don't want to have God's babies or call him ten times a day just to hear his voice; I want to take God out for a beer and help him decide which woman he'll magically impregnate next. I want to be God's friend, wingman, and poker buddy...because God is the coolest guy I know.

GOD
(applauding)
Bravo! Round two goes to Chris!

CHRIS
(screaming)
Yeah!

MICHAEL
(sighing)
I'm disappointed, but I won't question your decision.

GOD
Of course you won't.
(dramatically)
All right, potential messiahs, are you ready for your final challenge...the one that will decide your fate? The one that will shape the rest of your lives? The one that will turn one of you into the messiah and cause the other to run home crying to his mommy?

CHRIS
I won't be crying...I'm gonna beat Michael's pansy ass!

MICHAEL
I'm not afraid-I have Jesus on my side.

CHRIS
Well, he's no longer the savior and he's on tour with U2 right now, so I doubt he'll be much help!

GOD
Yeah, you're on your own, buddy.

MICHAEL
I'll be fine. I know I'm the best man for the job.

GOD
Okay, then! The moment of truth is upon us.

(Dramatic tribal music begins to play as God pulls two bottles of water out of the bucket.)

GOD
Your final challenge is to turn this water into wine. The first one to succeed earns the title of messiah.

(God hands the bottles to Chris and Michael.)

GOD
You have thirty seconds...go!

(Michael sits on the ground, unscrews the cap, and prays over the bottle. Chris stares at his bottle so hard it looks like his eyes might pop out.)

MICHAEL
Oh, precious water, please turn into delicious wine so that we may celebrate the crowning of the new messiah...who will be me if you'll just cooperate and do what I need you to!

CHRIS
All right, water, I can tell that deep down you want to be wine, but I'm sensing that you're not quite sure how to change. Don't be afraid of change-I know it's scary, but sometimes you have to do it! If I can convince juries to let heinous criminals back on the street, you can become wine!

GOD
Time's up!

(Chris and Michael groan.)

GOD
Now for the deciding taste test!

(As the music becomes even more dramatic, God takes a sip of Michael's water. He immediately spits it out.)

GOD
Nope, still water!

(Michael hangs his head in shame. God takes a sip of Chris' water, then spits it out.)

GOD
This is water too! Damn it...I really needed a drink!

CHRIS
So does this mean neither of us gets to be messiah?

GOD
You know what? I've done nine seasons of this show, and every year, the water into wine challenge derails the whole competition, and nobody gets to be the messiah! Well, I'm tired of doing Jesus' job! I have better things to do, and I don't like being nice to people, so this time, there will be a winner! Who cares if the messiah can turn water into wine? You can buy a decent bottle of wine for less than five bucks!

MICHAEL
How will you decide on the winner?

GOD
It's simple. Chris, you're the new messiah!

CHRIS
(screaming)
Whoo! Suck it, Jesus freak!

MICHAEL
What?! I'm clearly more qualified than Chris!

GOD
Well, yeah, but if you take "Chris" and add one letter, you get "Christ"!

CHRIS
Thanks, Mom and Dad!

GOD
Also, you sound like you might be in love with me, and that really creeps me out.

MICHAEL
I thought you wanted people to love you!

GOD
Not like that! If you were a hot lady, it would be different, but you're not, so it's weird!

MICHAEL
I can't believe I ever loved you! I'm never going to church again!

(Michael runs offstage.)

GOD
Wait, you forgot your consolation prize!


CHRIS
I'll take it!

(God takes a CD out of the bucket and hands it to Chris.)

CHRIS
(unenthused)
Jesus' CD? Thanks...

GOD
It's autographed.

CHRIS
Sweet! Some sucker will pay a ton for this on Ebay!

GOD
That's the spirit! Let's go ahead and make this official.

(God removes a crown of thorns from the bucket and places it on Chris' head. He then takes the bucket to Chris and dumps wads of cash into his open arms.)

GOD
I, God, creator of the universe and all-around cool guy, appoint you, Chris, he who is less annoying than Michael, to the much-envied position of messiah, friend, wingman, and poker buddy. Do you accept?

CHRIS
(screaming and throwing money in the air)
Whoo!

GOD
I'll take that as a yes. Are you ready for your first duty as messiah?

CHRIS
(as if that were a stupid question)
Yeah!


GOD
Okay. Your first job is to help me get a head start on creating the new messiah.

CHRIS
Someone's getting knocked up tonight!

GOD
Listen, the last thing I want is another kid, but no way am I going through this again! Reality TV is for douchebags!

CHRIS
(chuckling)
Yeah!
(after a moment; insulted)
Hey!

(The lights fade to black.)