A Word to the Felinely Beleaugured...

One of my kitty kiddies, Miss Kissy, (she showers my face with tongue-kisses, a habit usually noted only among those of the canine persuasion. Given the raspy natures of kitty tongues, a smooch-shower entails both a display of consummate kitty affection PLUS a free exfoliation... ), also has a penchant for Outstanding Achievement in the field of Competitive Sneezing for Distance and Mucosal Volume.

LORD, that little furbaby can sneeze! And, much like human babies, the amount of nasal discharge and amazing radius/distance she can achieve in the sub-category of Propulsion is something Guinness himself would be awed by. To that end, find memorialized for your edification below my infamous and copyrighted Dear Hell-at-Ease Housekeeping Tip for the Day:

" How to Clean Cat Snot off Your Computer Keyboard "

1. Allow feline snot blobs to dry undisturbed on keyboard. This significantly undermines the pesky Perpetual Smear Phenomenon.

2. Utilize above drying time to mop and blot cat's nose, whiskers, eartips, eyelashes, and face, your own be-splattered countenance, your eyeglasses, and your monitor screen with a squee-gee and a industrial size roll of super absorbent paper towels. (I find "Brawny" paper towels stand heads above the rest in these unfortunate instances - viscous cat snot causes inferior brands to disintegrate in your hand. )

3. Administer an antihistamine to cat - orally in food or with peanut butter if the pet is dumb enough to fall for that gig, orally by hand if the cat is persnickety and you're feeling especially brave ~ and rectally, utilizing your own blood as a lubricant, any which way it'll go up there if the cat ripped your arm to shreds while attempting the second noted option.

4. Apply tourniquets, generous amounts of topical antibacterial agents and New Skin, and an adequate number of adhesive butterfly sutures to affected limbs/stumps, face, and/or bodily orifices, update tetanus inoculation and obtain an Rx for antibiotics in the event that any portion of Step 3 necessitates it, and Obtain Rx's for tranquilizers and mood stabilizers for yourself AND the cat.

5. Once the congealed cat snot blobs on keyboard have fully dried out, don protective gloves, goggles, and a bullet proof vest to protect hands, eyes, and thorax against hurtling dehydrated cat snot projectiles. Gas masks are optional.

6. Assemble the following array of tools (or appropriate substitutes for same): a credit or playing card, a miniature crowbar, a magnifying glass if your eyeglasses are still drying, a pair of sturdy needle-nosed tweezers, and a non-smear, black ink laundry marker.

7. Utilize card to swipe spaces between rows of keys, effectively dislodging any mucous deposited there in the initial cat blast... as well as the copious amount of cat hair that found its way into the cracks the incredibly brief span of time since your cat's last sneezing fit. (NOTE: If using a credit card, insure that the magnetic strip is UP... dehydrated cat snot residue is highly abrasive! ) Employ tweezers and tiny prying device to gently chip off remaining dried snot chunks. Hold keyboard up in the air, overturn it, and shake vigorously to dislodge and jettison any dried snot, potato chip crumbs, and residual hairballs still clinging for life to the keys. (This is where your goggles demonstrate immeasurable value in the Cat Snot Removal process.) Use marker to re-number and/or letters obliterated from keys in the initial blast. ( I TOLD you that stuff is abrasive! )

8. Vacuum desk, carpet, your printer, hard-drive, keyboard, monitor, windows and sills, air intake ducts, your clothing and shoetops, and all other surfaces within a 1-mile radius to dispense with ASDF (Airborne Snot Dust Fallout).

9. Brush teeth, aggresively Q-tip both ears, and after loosening tourniquets to insure all hemorrhaging is under control, shower and wash hair to achieve same goal sought in step 8 as applicable to your body and associated appendages. The cat can fend for itself regarding these ablutions.

10. Instruct cat for the umpteenth time that an opposable thumb is NOT a mandatory requirement for mastery of using a handkerchief skills, or to cover its mouth and nose with a paw when proboscally challenged... or, at the very least, to sneeze into a pillow instead of High-tech electronic and/or food preparation devices.

Next Week in Ask Hell-at-Ease :

How to Remove Directionally-Challenged Fire Ants from Your Middle Ear Canal.

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