How Herman Lost His Hymen

WC 1093

How Herman Lost His Hymen

By Jack Rawlins

"Becky, darling, you look as though you lost your best friend."

"Worse, Aunt Maud. I lost my virginity."

"Well there's no use crying over spilled innocence. You'll never get it back.Come sit next to me, dear. Have a cup of tea---this is just a coincidence... not symbolic--- and a cherry tart.

"Was it date rape?"

"Sort of. I had an appointment with him."

"Sue the bastard."

"I can't do that; I was the rapist."

"You raped him?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

"I want to tell everyone about it---except Herman. I was saving myself for him. I promised he would be the first...that I would save my...you know...for him.

"Oh Aunt Maud, I feel awful. I didn't mean for this to happen. Now I've broken my promise. I feel cheap. I've cheated on him and we're not even married. And when we do marry he expects a virgin."

"So, don't tell him. You've been engaged for eight years. At the rate you're going you may never have to tell him."

"You're right. He always finds some reason to push back the date. But when we do marry, he'll know I'm not a virgin. He's a prosecuting attorney. He'll cross examine me. He'll want proof."

"Becky, Herman is an asshole. Getting engaged to him was your parents' idea, wasn't it?"

"Yes, but I could do worse. Well, maybe not a lot worse. He does tilt towards nerdy."

"Becky, has he ever made a pass at you?"

"Get fresh? Grope? Fondle? Suggest a trial run? A test drive in the sheets? Never."

"Did you ever take his pulse to see if he's alive? I think he's a virgin."

"Definitely. That's why my virginity is a big deal to him."

"Becky, my love, a lot of men want virgins. All three of my husbands did, but they compromised. Sometimes it's an ego thing. Sometimes it's insecurity, especially with a guy who's afraid he won't measure up, figuratively and literally speaking, to those who came before.

"So don't worry your pretty little head about it. If he ever gets around to marrying you, just don't tell him what he doesn't need to know."

"But that's dishonest."

"Well, you can tell all and feel positively virtuous--- and make him feel betrayed. Or, you can fake it.

"A lot can happen to that little old thing... sports, tampons, masturbation. You can still be a virgin and not have a hymen. But why addle the asshole's little brain with the facts? He wants evidence? Take a little packet of catsup to bed on your wedding night."

"That's gross!"

"No. It's a little red lie, courtesy of the condiment counter at McDonalds."

"Oh, Aunt Maud! I just couldn't."

"Okay. Never mind. Enough already about Mr. Procrastinator. Give me the scoop about the rape.

"You don't plan to strike again, do you? You're not going to become a serial rapist are you? You're not going to leave notes written in lipstick on mirrors that say
Help! Stop me before I rape again. Call Becky 800-257-7022 ?"

"Aunt Maud, please stop your teasing. I'm really embarrassed and confused."

"Of course you are. Tell me, how long you have had the hots for the victim. Wait--- somehow victim doesn't seem right. How long have you had the hots for the lucky rapee?"

"Since we started playing doctor when we were ten. He said he was going to be a lady doctor when he grew up and I should help him study."

"You didn't believe him did you?"

"Of course not. But kids will be kids. We played doctor a lot. And, he did become a gynecologist. What's more, last month he moved back here to Sparta and hung out his speculum."

"Un-huh. So you've got yourself a new GYN. What's his name?"

"Jerold Rosen...Jerry."

"So, it was only natural you take your business--- so to speak--- to Jerry. After all, you helped him get his start."

"Well, yes. I did want to see him get established."

"It must have been awkward, though; wasn't it?"

"At first, yes. We made a lot of dumb weather talk when he first bounced into the examining room. But when he said, 'Rebecca it's so nice to see you again,' déjà vu made us both snort with laughter.

"Still, his nurse made me uncomfortable. When we played doctor there was never anyone in attendance except my Barbie doll. So I told his nurse a fib to get rid of her."

"What did you tell her?"

"I said when I was twelve I was strip searched in the locker room at summer camp by two undercover lesbians posing as nurses. I suffered a great deal of trauma before I was rescued and can't stand to be naked around other women.

"She snickered a little, but she left the room."

"And then?"

"Well, it just seemed like his examination was more heavy petting than professional."

"So, what did you do? Did you complain?"

"No. I ripped off my sheet, kicked out of my stirrups and said. 'If you don't make love to me right now, I'm going to sue you.' "

"He said, 'For what?' And I said, 'I'll think of something.' And that's how it happened. I don't know what came over me. I think the Devil made me do it."

"Un-huh. He gets blamed for a lot of stuff. Jerry didn't put up much of a fight did he?"

"He struggled--- for at about ten seconds when his shirt got caught in his zipper."

"He met your demand?"

"I could never charge him with malpractice."

"What did he say afterward?"

"He said, 'I don't think your medical plan covers this.' "

"Is he married?"

"No."

"Is he handsome?

"Yes."

"Do you love him?"

"Maybe."

"Becky, you loveable devious little fox, you engineered the whole thing. I'm touched that you came to me for advice, but I think what you really came for is confIrmation of what you've already decided.

"So, I'll tell you what you want to hear: Drop Herman, like the stale bagel he is. Let him go find an intact hymen to make up for the one he lost if that will make him happy.

"Go see your doctor. If things work out the way I'm willing to bet they will, you won't have to lie to anyone. And, you won't ever have to rape again.

"You and Dr. Rosen will have a lifetime to be thankful for your loss."

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