Cavity Search

M.I.B. Even the title grates. The fact that a most of the actual field agents were women didn't seem to matter, they were still Men In Black as far as the public were concerned. Not that the public knew much about them, but still, you know what I mean.

Anyway, I'd been teamed up with a trainee agent called Petra in the hope that she might show some talent in field work as she had yet to justify her selection as an agent. It was just a routine but I've always hated this part of the job still, it had to be done. Some of the visiting B.E.M.s, no I have to call them Non-Terrestial Sentient Lifeforms now, were selective about which rules they followed. Of course a Bug Eyed Mons..... no, .. a N.T.S.L. that ate people was breaking a few earth ordinances, and reports indicated that one such N.T.S.L. was loose in this area.

It was our job to find said creature and put a stop to it's predation. In reality it was my job as Petra was a trainee and about as much use as a chocolate fire guard. Still, the sooner it was done the quicker we'd be back to the base.

The next call was to the south side swamps and a largely harmless lizard that had lived out here for the past decade. It wasn't likely that this N.T.S.L. was the problem, but protocol said that we had to check everything that was capable of the offence, so parking the car in the prearranged spot we'd waited for a sign. It wasn't long coming for the bushes at the edge of the clearing shifted, making way for the suspect.

It had been raining most of the day so I stayed on the dry ground, letting the alien wade through the mud to reach us. It was small for it's kind, being barely 15 metres long, but it's animal like appearance could not hide the cool intelligence that moved behind those eyes.

I slipped on the headset translator and spoke to the N.T.S.L.

"Please confirm your registration number" - you know, trying to be polite to the ugly critter.

There was a pause, then the creatures great mouth opened, and with a voice more suitable to a mouse on helium it replied.

"Registered Alien Entity #248-345-85B, may I pleasure you how?" Petra giggled at this, so inexperienced that the failings of the translation unit was still funny.

"Registered Alien Entity #248-345-85B, you are aware that we are looking for a predatory N.T.S.L. in this zone?" When I'd been a beat cop in Dover I'd gotten a reputation for being a bit tough. Not that those illegal aliens were a patch on what I'd had to deal with now, but in this job I'm the picture of civility, until I caught them breaking the law that is.

" I sorrow for loss of your kind, do you wish of me?" The creature was so close that it's exhalations ruffled my suit.

"We need to search you, do not be alarmed" So I'd done the polite bit, now to wait for the reaction. It felt strange reassuring a creature that was the size of a bus, but I knew the aliens feared the departments reputation for 'justice'.

"I am open to inquiry, how say?". The creature settled into the mud, waiting for my response.

At this point Petra pointed the scanner at the creature and activated it. A dull blue beam extended from the business end to touch the side of the creature, then a red light flashed and the machine emitted a sad bleep. What can I say about that ? HQ had bought another load of cheap alien tech. that wasn't up to the job. Still it was almost worth the agro to watch Petra try to work out what to do.

I let her stew for a few moments before taking over.

"Looks like we're back to the old fashioned methods." As Petra tried to work out what that meant, I hung my jacket on the hook in the back of the car and took the torch from the glove compartment.

"What are you going to do with that?" Petra really was slow, unable to see the obvious.

"If the tools don't work, then we have to improvise. You wait out here and I'll go inside." I wasn't too bothered about doing this as even a trainee with a blaster was more that a match for this lizard if it tried to play up. Also I didn't believe this was the B.E.M. we were looking for anyway.

The alien obviously understood because it opened it's mouth wide, giving me a good view down it's throat.

As I stepped towards the N.T.S.L. it's head swayed side to side slightly, and it let out a whine. The distraction of looking after Petra had almost made me make a mistake, but I don't think Petra noticed as I slipped off my shoes. I could hardly blame the creature for objecting to spiked heals walking down it's throat, and ducking under the large blunt teeth that lined the creatures upper jaw I eased myself inside. The sight of the worn grinding teeth were a welcome confirmation that this alien mainly ate vegetation, but I still needed to look deeper. The clues that might expose an 'eater' would be much deeper, for even the dumbest of them had learned to rinse their mouths after a meal.

I deliberately rubbed my black skirt against a saliva covered gum, then the sleeve of my white shirt against it's tongue. This was my way to make sure that I didn't worry about trying to keep my clothes clean so it helped get the job done more quickly.

The alien tried to hold it's tongue still, but as I crawled past the back of it's throat it tremoured slightly, obviously fighting the urge to swallow. I was careful not to touch the entrance to its lungs, and by sliding on my belly I avoided triggering a coughing reflex, even if it did leave me drenched in slime. It was incredibly hot in here and I had to keep adjusting the torch as it kept slipping and illuminating my hair rather than the way ahead. On reaching the stomach I was at last able to sit up, even if my head did brush the roof of this dank little chamber.

Trying the probe again it flashed green, confirming that I was the only human in here, but just to make sure I felt around in the crevices and was relieved not to find any non biological remains either. Now all I had to do was get out again.

Using my shoulders I wedged open the entrance to the stomach and started to edge my way back the way I'd come, but this time I had to deal with tremors in the muscles around me that seemed determined to stop anything coming back up, probably some kind of gag reflex. I'd been in there much longer than expected and hoped we wouldn't have to check many more N.T.S.L.s today, but any such thoughts were driven from my mind as the muscles around me convulsed violently, throwing me onto my back.

I was silenced in mid curse as Petra's face appeared out of the darkness, then then we both tumbled back into the creature's stomach.

"What do you think you're doing here?" I think I controlled my anger quite well all things considered.

"I thought you might be in trouble so I came in to help". Petra did her 'little girl lost' routine, and as usual it only managed to irritate me.

"Well now you're in here what do you propose to do, blast us out?" The prickly sensation of the digestive juices that covered us from head to toe was already starting to irritate me, so I didn't spared Petra's feelings.

"Oh, I left the blaster in the car, should I have brought it in?" This was too much, that a M.I.B. would actually think of blasting an innocent BEM I tried to ignore the sound of my skirt tearing as I sat up. It was obvious that our clothes were already succumbing to the creatures stomach so we'd have to get out fairly soon.

"As it happens this isn't the creature we're looking for, so blasting it because of your incompetence would hardly be fair now would it. " I was grateful that Petra didn't try to answer, giving her time to consider what to do next.

But Petra just couldn't shut up. "So we're OK, that's good as I thought I'd gotten us into trouble for a moment." Petra tugged at her slime covered collar, only to be left holding it as the partly digested cloth tore in her hand.

"As we're stuck inside the stomach of a large BEM with no way of getting ourselves out I would say we might still be in a spot of trouble, what do you think?" My weakened bra gave way, releasing ponderous breasts to tear open a weakened blouse. This day was definitely not one of my best.

Petra knelt in the pool of slime and eased a hand under the waistband of her trousers, "If we're going to die I don't suppose you want to fuck me?" But Petra didn't wait for an answer and started to masturbate. Her actions rapidly shredded her weakened trousers, leaving bits of black clothe floating in the pool of digestive fluid that she was kneeling in.

I couldn't help but curse the nameless recruiter who'd picked Petra for the M.I.B., then I reached over and tore the lapel off Petra's suite. It was hard to tell what upset Petra most, the fact that I wasn't interested, or the fact that she'd forgotten that she had a communicator. Either way I'd had enough, so turning my back on the masturbating agent I called base.

The agent I spoke to was professional enough not to laugh at our predicament, or at least waited until she was no longer on the line, but her insistence that agent Harris would be dispatched to get us out just compounded our embarrassment. The last thing I needed was the bearded little alien that passed for an aussie to take credit for our rescue. But as it couldn't be avoided I decided not to tell Petra about the rescue, let her think we were done for and see how she handled it. With luck she'd blow it and be taken off field work.

"Looks like we're out of luck dear, we'll be bones by the time they get here." I admit that I enjoyed Petra's look of surprise, then decided to rub it in.

"As we're done for do you want to give leave any final messages?" I pressed the communicator to the girls trembling palm and turned away. It was all I could do to keep a straight face, so careful to avoid the light of the torch I sat down on a mound of intestinal silica and watched Petra crumble.

Listening to Petra leaving messages of unrequited love on the voice mail of half the women in the service was almost enough to make me forget our situation, although having to wipe the remains of my eyebrows off my cheek was a bit of a reminder. Still, hair grew back, and the sound of Petra's pony tail falling off was enjoyable. At this rate they'd both be totally hairless by the time the bearded one got them out.

It was whilst brushing off the remains of my own pubic hair that I heard the sound of rescue. Well, something that sounded like a cat getting carnal knowledge of bagpipes which I assumed to be agent Harris playing with his didgeridoo. It was amazing that the world at large still believed that the didgeridoo was a musical instrument and not a high tech reptilian mind control device. But then no one had recognised the bagpipes for what they were either.

So we were vomited up, landing in a heap in front of agent Harris. The swamp water washed most of the digestive acids off, and the mud at least provided some privacy.

I have to apologise for what I did next, but you have to realise that not only were we both hairless, naked and dripping with slime, but we were faced by Harris and a full film crew. By the way, Harris was still playing with his didgeridoo, but that wasn't what got to me. It was the fact that he was grinning like a maniac and pointing at Petra's inflamed clit. Did I mention that stomach acid had left Petra's clit grossly inflamed ? It was probably something to do with her masturbating whilst immersed in digestive juices.

Well there we were, both alive, but to be honest at that moment I was tempted to climb back in the B.E.M.'s mouth to hide. That was when I did it. Yes I know I shouldn't have done that with his didgeridoo, but the surgeons said it wasn't that difficult to remove and anyway, he seemed to enjoy the experience.

In fact even Petra seemed to come out of the experience OK, for between her voicemail messages of love and a clit the size of a tennis ball she seems to have attracted a fair bit of interest.

So you see, as no real harm was done I don't see why I've been given such a crap assignment. Surely you don't need me to work out whether Ann Widdecombe is an unlicensed alien?