Praying Mantis Visits a Sex Therapist

WC 498

When the Praying Mantis Visited the Sex Therapist

By Jack Rawlins

“Hello, Mr. Mantis. I’m sorry you had such a long wait. I had an emergency and had to make a house call. One of my ED patients needed help with an erection that lasted more than four hours. I always take a hands-on approach, so I took care of him personally and saw to it that he was completely satisfied. It took longer than I expected.

“So, please …why don’t you stalk over here, climb up my desk and make yourself comfortable in my in-basket or on top of my PC monitor?”

“Thank you, Dr. Innuendo. You needn’t apologize. I relaxed in your philodendron and enjoyed some aphids and a small spider while I waited. Oh, and please call me Marty. I may look stiff and formal with the big eyes and all, but I’m really just a regular insect.”

“Okay, Marty; what brings you here and how can I help?”

“I’m here because you were recommended by the birds and the bees. They said, and I quote: ‘Dr. Lotta Innuendo is a sex therapist who knows her stuff. If you have a problem look to her for a penetrating analysis, or even an analysis of penetration. What’s more, she speaks fluent Insecta in the Mantodia dialect used by mantis. ’

“So, that’s why I’m here, Doc. You were highly recommended; I’ve got a problem, and you speak my language.”

“Well, I’m flattered by their referral. I don’t see many birds and bees. They don’t have many hang-ups when it comes to doing what comes naturally. I often use them as object lessons for those who are too frigid or too fiery.

“So, please tell me; what’s your problem?”

“Doctor, the sexual mores of the mantis scare the crap out of me. As you know, the female often eats the head off the male during or after mating.”

“Well, Marty, evidently that’s her idea of a good time.”

“Yeah, sure. For her maybe. But how about me? I won’t even have a chance to tell her I still respect her in the morning.

“Still, I feel duty bound to be fruitful and multiply. And yet, I don’t want to lose my head over a pretty little tail in the process.”

“You know, Marty, the ultimate sacrifice for the ultimate favor is not without precedent. Salmon consider the tough swim upstream as foreplay before they spawn and die.”

“Well, excuse me! That’s okay for a salmon, maybe. But for me, the idea of getting eaten creates a great deal of performance anxiety.”

"Marty, you must realize I’m a therapist--- not a miracle worker. I can’t change the rules of nature. All I can do is offer advice. You have two choices: You can become a celibate. Devout your life to eating insects and nematodes and forget the nuptials. Or do the right thing: Gamble.

"Just remember: the odds are against you. I suggest before you mount the object of your affection, you better become a praying mantis.

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