Beauty and The Beach

WC 498

Beauty and The Beach

By Jack Rawlins

“Excuse me. Do you have the time, pretty lady?”

“Time for what, dad?”

“A suave, mature gentlemen.”

“Who is aged, pot-bellied and lecherous. And who is in danger of getting a convoluted rectum from trying to suck in his gut.”

“Oh my! Are you nasty or just sarcastic, quick-witted and unapproachable?"

“You’ve got me pegged, papa.”

“Well, that’s too bad. I’m a movie producer looking for raw talent.”

“Come off it. You’re looking for raw sex.”

“No no, my dear. I’m serious. My name is Jacques La Bool. I’m here in Ocean City to film a documentary about the hermit crab. However, I confess, I was struck by your pulchritude and would like to see you in the movies.”

“Yeah, sure. Porn flicks.”

“No no, my dear. Give me your name and telephone number. I’ll have my secretary call you for an appointment.”

“For what, a couch audition? No thanks.”

“Wait, let’s start over. My name is really Jacques and I am a movie producer. And I am serious. I was stricken by your natural beauty and fine lines.”

“Oh, you like my butt and bodacious boobies?”

“Well, of course.”

“Hmmm….While you’re hitting on me, you can call me Gigi.”

“Is that your real name, Gigi?”

“No. That’s my stage name. I’m a dancer.”

“Ah hah! A ballerina.”

“No. A pole dancer.”

“You don’t look Polish.”

“I don’t polka either. I do sensuous things with a shiny brass pole in Harry’s Bar and Grill.”

“Do you like your work?

“It has its up and downs.”

“Oh. I should have seen that coming.

“Do you lap dance, too?”

“Only with friends who are close to me.”

“Gigi, do you mind if I sit?”

“Okay, just don’t ask me to sit on your lap.”

“Gigi, I want to be your friend.”

“Because I lap dance with friends, or to make me a star?”

“They’re both good reasons.”

“You’re a smooth old fart. What do you do for a living when you’re not trying to seduce girls half your age?”

“I make movies.”

“Yeah, today everybody makes movies with their cell phone. What do you really do?”

“Gigi, I really am a movie producer. I’m here making a documentary about….”

“Yeah, I know: hermit crabs. Are they edible?

“My dear, everything is edible. That’s how the system works. Everything in nature eats something else.”

“Are you getting philosophical or kinky?”

“Neither. But I would like to tell you about hermit crabs.”

“Sounds like something that hangs out in a bum’s skivvies.”

“They’re fascinating little crustaceans.”

“Bums?”

“No, hermit crabs.”

“You know what Jacques? Yours is the most original line of pick-up bull shit I’ve ever heard.
Come to Harry’s tonight. Stuff a few big bills in my thong and later we’ll have a drink and talk.”

“You want to talk about crabs or your movie career?”

“Let’s play it by---rear. Just keep your hands off mine so l’ll I know what you’re really after.”

“Gigi, tonight you will know.”

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