It’s Not Always Fun to be King

WC 500

It’s Not Always Fun to be King

By Jack Rawlins

“Mister Jefferson…nice of you to come over.”

“Please call me, Tom, Your Majesty.”

“Thank you, Tom. Please call me George. You can drop The Third…just George will do.”

“Why did you ask me over, George?”

“Well, Tom, you said some pretty nasty things about me in that document you penned. I thought we should discuss it--- off the record.”

“George, as you know, we’re at war; some of my countrymen weren’t sure why. The Declaration of Independence spells it out.”

“I understand that, Tom. But did you have to paint me as a Royal Penis?

“George, you’ve acted like one.”

“It takes one to know one, Tom. I must admit, though, you write well for a young man.”

“Actually, I copied a lot of that stuff. I don’t consider it plagiarism…it’s more like artistic larceny.”

“Haw! You are a bit of a wit. Tell the truth, Tom; did you mean all those things you said, or are you running for office?”

“Well, sure, I have a hidden agenda. But I can’t discuss it because then it would no longer be hidden.”

“True, but whatever your motive… political power, patriotism…I wish you could revise your work and cut me some slack. You know, try to look at things from my side of the pond.”

“George, it’s hard to put a positive spin on the Boston Massacre. “

“Oh, come on Tom. We whacked four of your thugs who were throwing snowballs at our lads. That’s not a massacre. And you want to know what else really ticked us off? Wasting all that tea. Why didn’t you just hide it somewhere?”

“I can’t answer that; I’m a coffee drinker.”

“Tom, you bitch about taxes. How in the hell did you expect us to pay for that war against the French and Indians? You know we fought them to save your asses. And someone has to pay. There’s no such thing as a free tea.”

“George, maybe I was a little harsh. But you know it really helps muster support for a cause when you have a scapegoat. After all, you are in charge.”

“Yeah, I’m in charge. And you know what? Sometimes I wish I never took this lousy job.”

“Oh come now, George; when we finish kicking your ass and things get back to normal, people will only remember the good things you did---if they can think of any.”

“Tom, your optimism about the war surprises me.”

“It shouldn't. We know you just signed a bunch of Hessian free agents, but that doesn’t concern us. As we speak, Ben Franklin is at Versailles sucking up to the French. They’re still ticked at you guys for chasing them home. They’ll be happy to give us a hand.”

“Well, enough trash talk, Tom. Put a positive spin on that declaration and--after we kick your butts--I’ll see to it you’re knighted. Find somebody you can trust to help with the revision. Benedict Arnold would be a good choice.”

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