I Hate Today

  I thought Mondays were supposed to be bad days. So far, it's been a bad week; forget just Monday. I keep telling myself that it will only get better, and so far I've been absolutely wrong.

    I got talked to today by my boss. It seems that someone at work thinks my "motivation" is slipping. Which is just a nice way of saying that I'm not doing my job. I would have been upset, if it weren't true. I know I'm not as motivated as I was. Why? Because the people on this new shift don't treat me as well as the guys on my other shift did. I don't like working with these people. I got used to working with the guys on the other shift, I knew how to interact with them; they were all closer to my age, as well, so it was easier to talk to them. So anyway, I just apologized and went back to doing my job.

    I was relieved to be coming home after work that day, looking forward to being in my own house, where I was comfortable. Apparently home wasn't looking forward to seeing me though. As soon as I walked in the door, I was greeted by my brother - in - law, who lives with my husband and I. He has wonderful news: the clutch is going out on our car. Now, let me just make something clear: I love my brother - in - law. I'm the one that told him to move to Arizona with us. When I invited him down, however, it was not as a first class mooch. Which is exactly what he has become. My husband and I have two vehicles, a car and a truck. Just after he got down here my brother - in - law's car broke down; that was a year ago. He hasn't made any attempt to fix his or get a new one, so he's been driving our car for a year. He doesn't pay the insurance or make the car payment. All he pays for is the gas. So we're getting taken advantage of. Great. So the clutch is going out on the car that we haven't driven in a year. He better not be thinking we're going to pay to replace it. That's all on him.

    I just bit my tongue when he told me about the car and said we'd talk about it later. Right now I need to relax and process everything from the day. My husband, who is also in the military and does the same job I do, was released from work early today, so at least he is in a good mood. He greets me as I kick off my boots and throw myself on the couch, asking about my day. I only half answer, still upset that I was "talked to". I work my butt off at my job, mostly because I feel like I'm at a disadvantage and have to prove myself. I'm one of only three females that work in my male - dominated field. So it's a pretty big blow to admit that I haven't been carrying my weight.

    I make small talk with my husband, ask him about his half of a day off. I choose to ignore the fact that both he and my brother - in - law have been playing video games most of the day and the house is still a complete disaster around them. They could have taken an hour and at least picked it up a little. But no, I'm not going to mention that right now. I'm burnt out from the day, and know that I'm a little grumpier than I would normally be. Instead I just get up and grab a soda. I need a vacation; I feel so overwhelmed in my day to day life that I need to just get away for a little while.

    I watch the boys play video games until about seven, when I decide I should probably go out and take care of our horses. They need to be fed and their stalls cleaned, and if I don't do it now I won't be able to. The sun goes down in about an hour, and then I won't be able to see.

    Normally going out to see my horses is a nice get away from the house. Normally. To keep with the pace of the rest of the week, it seems, today is different. I go out there to find that some of the people out at the stables where I board seem to think that I am neglecting my horses. That I'm not feeding them enough. Despite my telling them that they eat more than any other horse on the property, they have it in their heads that I'm not telling the truth. So I feed and clean their stalls and leave as soon as I can. On the drive home I'm fighting so hard not to cry that I'm biting a hole through my bottom lip. I feel so desperate, so hurt. I feel like giving up on everything. I can't do my job right, I can't take care of my horses right ... what's the point? I start thinking that it probably wouldn't make much of a difference if I just gave up. Quit trying to do anything. That's what I feel like everyone is telling me: that I can't do anything right and they don't know why I keep trying.

    I'm so preoccupied that I'm now sitting in my driveway without any memory of the drive home. I'm just sitting outside in my truck, trying to keep an impassive expression on my face and the tears from my eyes. Crying is not something I can do if I can help it. It makes me feel even more useless than I already do, and people tend to ask questions when they see you crying. I couldn't handle questions right now; I'd end up blowing up on my husband, who is innocent in all of this. Then I would have to explain my behavior and apologize and make ammends, and I just don't have the energy right now.

    I pull myself together and go inside, set the keys on the coffee table and go straight to my bedroom. It's late enough to justify going to bed, so I change into my pajamas and crawl underneath the covers. I'm exhausted, not only physically but every other way you can be. I don't have an ounce of effort left in me. I close my eyes and try not to see the faces of my accuser's for the day, try not to think about all the ways today sucked. I just need to go to sleep.

    My last thought as I'm drifting into unconsciousness is that I better have some good dreams, cause I get to wake up tomorrow morning and do it all over again.