Testimony

When I think of the mistakes I’ve made, I’ll count to nine. Nine sexual mistakes. You’d better believe that I have a story for each one, but when you strip away my need to justify my earthly ways, I’m left with the fact that those nine mistakes were the product of me trying to find for myself something only God could deliver. And now I’m stuck with the oppressing dilemma of my past: do I forget about it? Or accept it? A verse in Romans comes to mind.

Romans 7: 20-21
When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the obligation to do right. 21 And what was the result? You are now ashamed of the things you used to do, things that end in eternal doom. (NLT)

I think of my life before I allowed Christ to deliver me, and I’m ashamed of the things I did. I’m disgusted and completely ashamed of myself. I knew about God and yet I let the world corrupt me. The past is apart of my testimony now.

I was a hardcore sinner. I swore. I drank. I smoked. I had multiple sexual partners and didn’t care. I’d let people use me and I hated myself for it. I believed I was worth only what others could get out of me. If that meant sex, then so be it. It’s what I was good at.

I was a slave to sin. I hated how sin changed me and people only wanted to use me. I was angry because I let it happen. I drank heavily—to enjoy the night. That’s what I told others, but I knew otherwise. I’d forget the night and wake up even lonelier than before. I felt alone. I was headed down a path that led to failure and death. Anger raged within me.

I was angry at the world. I hated my grandmother for treating me so badly when I was younger. I hated my father for letting her. I hated him for moving my sisters and me to Indiana where the school system sucked and the township saw only in black and white and hated my race. I hated Andrew, my first boyfriend, for wasting a year and a half of my life with his nonsense.

Whiling dating him my last year of high school, I tried to go back to church. I foolishly gave it up when he refused to see me on Sundays if the whole day wouldn’t be devoted to him. I stupidly chose him, a boy, over God. Over salvation. I regrettably chose the soiled pot over the maker, and I hated myself for it.

I couldn’t stand to know that I was so weak and let men have their way with me, one after another until the number totaled nine. I was so close to giving up. I looked for anyone that could deliver me from my hell. I looked to everyone but God. I slept with women and joked about it later. I slept with strangers and claimed it gave me happiness. I was so lost. So angry. I was near death doing drugs and boozing every night looking for anything that could make me forget.

Then a man spoke to me. He invited me to church on a night when I was three hours away, busy killing my problems with alcohol. God tugged gently at my heart. I denied the man once more before I allowed Christ to lead me to healing, and the process began immediately. Within two weeks of going back to church for the first time in over nearly two years, I resolved the past with my grandmother. When I forgave her, I felt my own sins from my disgusting past melt away. They no longer claimed me.

With those chains broken, the change was incredible. The Lord only knows how close I was to becoming an alcoholic. I drank every night, and it wasn’t for the taste. I drank to get drunk, to num my feelings and mask my pain.

During my first month at church I felt the Lord calling me to rededicate my life to him. I was hesitant and I ignored the tug of Christ at my heart. Sara saved my life. Her first Sunday at church was my fourth. She was a sacred follower. If she even thought God was thinking about telling her to do something, she did it before he was even done speaking to her. When she moved that day to go to the alter during the invitation, she had me tagging along at her side. I was wearing medium heels that morning and the shoes happened to be around two to three years old. The strap broke on my right foot and I went down. Embarrassed, I didn’t let it stop me. I was determined to make it to the alter. I stooped to pick up the lost shoe and cradled it in my hands as I cowered before God with my legs folded beneath me and Sara praying for me at my side. I left the church barefoot that morning, but born again.

God had plans for me and when I came back to him, he picked up right where he left off. What I want to give to God in return for saving me doesn’t even begin to cover what he’s done in the less than five months since my rededication. He provided me with the knowledge of a means to manage the two loans I had to afford helping my sister start her life over again. My current task is to help save her. I don’t know what I need to say, or what I’m supposed to do, but he’s showing me how to do things his way one by one, day by day. I’m so grateful that the Lord cares and is compassionate and forgives!

I was so lost before that dedication. With a little over a year left in my first enlistment to the Marine Corps, I found myself pondering what to do. Stay in or get out? After coming to Christ, I found myself worrying about it even more. Before following the Lord to help my sister in her time of need, I was set to have my car paid off by the time I left the Marine Corps. But after consolidating my loans, my finances were all over the place, but just enough was spared for me to make it through. I prayed to God for a plan. For a future. He answered me from the voice of the company commanding officer of logistics command during one of my last interviews to be had by the command for Marines nearing the final days of their enlistment. The Lord said you can go back to school and become a United States Marine Corps Officer. Something wonderful only the Lord can deliver. I asked my God for my future and he responded with, “You will be great.”

I always felt that I was made for something much more than what I was, despite where I came from. With God, I found that it was true. This was something I never would have considered on my own and suddenly, with nothing more than a whisper from God to the mind of a man who uttered it to me, I was pursuing it eagerly, as if it had been my intention all along. God was giving me the power and the strength to do his will and the feeling was incredible. It still is.

When I realize that I’m trying to fix something with my earthly mind and my earthly hands, I’m overcome with the pressures of this world. I crack and cry out to my Lord and Savior that I can’t do it alone. I imagine him smiling. He knows I can’t do it alone. I haven’t the power, or the ability. It is only when I give up trying to control everything that the Lord comes and restores order to the mess I created.

The Lord is amazing and after feeling his love, after seeing him mend my broken heart and ease my pain, there’s no way I can’t want that for my family and for the rest of the world. It isn’t easy and the Lord knows that, but with trust and faith, I’m able to prevail. If you remember to call on the Lord when you’ve gone as far as you can go and you’re tired and you’re ready to give up but step out on faith, you’ll never regret it. You’ll probably realize that if you had given the Lord your battle sooner, your pain wouldn’t have been so great.

You’ll never be able to do anything better than the Lord can and when we allow him to work in us, only then can we see his glory. And when we fully submerge ourselves in his world, only then can we help others. It’s as simple as following a feeling that leads you outside your comfort zone. When you step out on faith for God, he’ll step out on blessings for you. Your personal walk with Christ is between you and Him and Him alone. He’s ready when you are.

Are you ready?