Ponderous (first person)

          I awoke in a cold sweat- the darkness of my dank apartment swirling around me- as I gasped for air, but cigarette smoke had long since overtaken the smell of my room and there was almost no breathable air left. But my mind wasn’t on gasping, no that was involuntary, it was on the dream I had just had, the one I’d been having all week, though it was more like a nightmare. Slowly I threw my legs over the edge of my bed- hearing the thump of my feet hitting the hardwood floor- and walked over to open the shutters. Light poured into the room almost instantly, like a wild beast escaping a cage and running back into its place in the world and for that moment I was content. But that moment was short lived, for within a second pictures started flashing in my head, dark memories of the devilish dream I’d just had. I’d died in that dream and then there was nothing but darkness, no light, no flames that engulfed my soul, there was nothing. Just the thought of it now sent chills down my spine- there was a deep feeling of emptiness within me, as if the dream had taken the entire fulfillment out of me and left me a hollow shell.

          Then a sense of realization washed over me- there was a sense of something important that filled the smoke filled air of my apartment- I turned and looked at the clock. Then it hit me, today I was going to take my college entrance exams, though I knew they’d be murder. Bad enough to change your whole life, slowly the realization went away and with it my alertness slipped away, slowly I went right back to feeling the emptiness inside me. After taking a shower I remotely slipped into a blue pair of jeans and my favorite gray coat- one I was given for my last birthday before I moved out of my parents house- and then I was out the door. The air was cool and brisk- if I’d been half awake before I was surely out of that by now- the sky above me was a sea of gray, clouds taking up every visible inch of the heavens. I kept breathing in deeply through my nose to make up for the earlier lack of air- the sound of my feet clip clopping against the sidewalk was the only noise I could hear- but then slowly, as my body did its task out of habit, I began to drift. My neighborhood had never been home to any college graduates- in fact I probably wouldn’t make it myself- but then a thought occurred to me: Would it be so bad if I didn’t pass the test? If I ruined my life by not fulfilling a promise I made long ago to myself- getting into college. As I walked down the narrow street- the sound of my feet melting into the background- I stared up at the mountainous gray before me and pondered life.

          Walking down the street I noticed a little boy playing a game by his window- the sound effects were loud enough that I could decipher it was a fighting game, the sounds of yells and punches were exuding from the place- but then I thought: Is life just a game? Once you were done with it your game was usually forgotten about, all that you put into it thrown into oblivion. Were we all just playing our parts happily as life moved closer to its end with each of our breaths, each kiss of a lover only brings you closer to the day you’d have to part. But unlike a game it always moved on without you, the world would stop for no one and sadly that included me. I’d be cast into oblivion, completely forgotten since no one would remember me. I had no children to carry on my legacy, and for all I knew I never would, any friends I had had I abandoned long ago and all my family members were long dead. I was the last of a dying breed, one of the few animals vexed by foreknowledge that it wouldn’t always walk out to the sun and the sky.

          As I continued to walk I stared down at the ground- the trip to school was already etched into my mind from traveling it everyday. I stared at each crack I saw, looked at every broken piece of cement and let my thoughts wander once more, I knew by now I couldn’t control them more than I could control the unannounced approach of the reaper. I was the last of a breed that was completely gone and yet, with that thought in mind, I couldn’t help but smile. As I was walking I noticed a few guys talking on their porch and, after one of them noticed me noticing them, I was given an approving nod. I couldn’t have cared less; my mind was on much more important things. Maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t have to die, to ever see that type of darkness again. Maybe I could sell my soul like so many politicians and live forevermore or maybe, if religion wasn’t going to help me, science would find a cure for death, a way to make the cells keep reproducing. But I knew, in center of my emptied heart, that there was no way of getting around it.

          Realizing that I tried to distract myself, turn my attention away from the problem in front of, tried to think about school, but it was in vain. The thought of my exam only gave me another question relative to death: Was life just an entrance exam to leave this hell on Earth? To reach out into the celestial lights or fall into the burning abyss. Would I fail and have my soul engulfed by the flames of eternity? Or worse suffer purgatory. To be forced into eternal limbo, surrounded by complete and utter darkness, unable to feel, breathe, move. Even Hell itself wasn’t so confining, there you had the freedom to feel every burn, each blinding strike of pain from the demon who brought a whip onto your back, you had a right to feel and yet in purgatory there was nothingness. I’d surely lose myself to a place like that, go insane and then madly sane again after a millennium or two.

          As I walked to the corner, my school in sight now, I looked left, looked right and saw no cars. I wanted to get to school quickly, to have my thoughts encompassed by meaningless questions, to have the bliss of not having to think about death any longer. And I wouldn’t have to think about it much longer. Stepping into the street I began my crossing, the suns rays were now starting to pierce through the dark morning clouds, but then, out of nowhere, a car came speeding down the street. It was swerving- the driver had to be drunk to be going that fast- and he came towards me at a blinding speed. I tried to move, but my legs seemed glued into place, it was as if I was frozen by fear… or curiosity. Somewhere deep within me I longed to know the truth, wanted to see the pearly gates, to feel the flames, or to just rot in the ground and get it over with. In moments the car flew towards me and then I saw it; darkness.