Realism in Relationships: Rebuttal

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    This is a rebuttal of sorts to a piece titled Realism in Relationships written by a friend of mine.  The main premise of the essay stated the author’s opinion regarding the common thought that a successful relationship is a 50/50 endeavor is a bunch of hooey.  On this point I agree with the author wholeheartedly.  The author continues to say that the ‘ratio’ can actually change daily anywhere from 60/40 to 10/90.  This is where I must disagree.

    The essay states that all relationships may fall into this category, employer/employee, parent/child, etc., in which case there are some valid points stated.  In this essay however, I am going to limit my focus to the committed marital relationship or, at the very minimum, the committed exclusive live-in partner.  Old fashioned, most likely, but I am old and I am entitled to an opinion just like everyone else.  Marriage will be used as a generic term to mean live in monogamous partner in either a heterosexual or homosexual relationship.

    In Realism in Relationships the author correctly states that marriage is not a 50/50 relationship, however that is followed by a series of statements explicitly stating that it is some value on any given day.  The values essentially range from 10 to 90 percent in an either ‘give’ or ‘take’ mode.  I believe if a value is to be placed on effort in marriage that there can only be one successful value attached.  Each partner cannot give 10 percent, 50 percent or even 80 percent.  A loving, thriving marriage requires 100 percent effort by both partners.

    Not only does it require a 100 percent effort it also requires that each partner not count or evaluate the other's effort on any sort of basis.  If both partners are giving 100 percent, both partners are receiving 100 percent.  ‘Ha,’ you say, ‘this guy is full of @%#& (note there is not a dollar sign in there), no way can this happen.’  Well, ‘Ha,’ I say, ‘unfortunately you are correct, this can’t happen on a full time basis.’  But it can happen occasionally.  What can happen every day is I can concentrate on giving more to my partner than I take, and my partner can concentrate on the same thing.  And when there are more days when that happens than it doesn’t, marriage can be good.  It isn’t impossible, it isn’t a dream.  It doesn’t mean there aren’t rough spots because there are.  But, as an individual I approach the rough spots with a different attitude (note, I am not saying roll over and expose your throat here), and as an individual my partner approaches the rough spots with a different attitude (note, they are not rolling over to expose their soft white underbelly here).

    This isn’t “rose-colored glasses”, this is hard to do, and sometimes it takes conscious effort, but do it enough and it becomes habit.  Every single morning I wake up and somewhere between bed and stumbling into the shower I think, What can I do to make her life easier today? and I am confident that she thinks about what she can do for me that day.  Hard to imagine isn’t it?  Too bad it doesn’t always work out that way (actually I am pretty good at making things more difficult).  Impossible? probably.  Hard? initially.  Effective? yes.  Worth the smile on her face? always.

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