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 Content Rating Notice: Recommended for Readers 18 Years and Older Only |
| >> Static Item >> Script/Play >> Drama >> ID #1461218 |   |
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Author's note: This one act play runs for approximately 15 minutes BOWLING By Acme e:mail: acme@writing.com (based on one of a collection of short stories from Acme's Apocalypse) http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1332705 Drama Contest Winner! (Thanks StephB  )CHARACTERS PESTILENCE Male. 40s. Well dressed dandy academic (scarf, suit and glasses) FAMINE Female. 30s. Plump and retro exercise video fanatic (sweatbands and lycra) WAR Male. 20s. Strapping Welsh rugby player (dirty rugby shirt) DEATH Male. Voice Over – also referred to as the Landlord and His Lordship.  INT. KITCHEN AT RISE. Props: 1 x Kitchen Table set for four 4 x Chairs 1 x Headless Medical Skeleton (or tailor's dummy etc) 1x black cowl (on table as if a table cloth) Assorted candy/licorice laces in a bowl 2 x Cotton wool swabs [BLACK COWL is laid on table like a table cloth. FRUIT BOWL full of CANDY is on the table. FAMINE pacing in agitation. PESTILENCE and WAR bent over SKELETON like trying to fix a jigsaw.] FAMINE (grabs licorice lace/candy and eats) I told you it wasn't worth it! Playing silly beggers has lost me my new ring and he - (points at skeleton) - is going to go flipping mental when he wakes up. WAR (cheerfully) He might not. We could give him a wax and polish. He likes those. FAMINE I am not polishing his knobbly bits. It goes right through me. He needs feeding up a bit, if you ask me. (Points at skeleton) FAMINE (Cont.) You have got it on backwards! WAR He will never know. Let's hurry it up. I am due down the Pavilion for the Wagner auditions (leers) WAR (Cont.) Those Valkyries are not going to ride themselves. FAMINE I don't know what they see in you. You stink of beer, sweat and leeks. WAR You are just jealous, because I don't shag racists whose idea of a good time involves the latest Hollyoaks Workout DVD, a Bucket of chicken wings and a crate of cider. FAMINE I needed the cider - the thought of sucking leeks out of your teeth was not a pretty one. Being selective is not the same as being racist. Let's face it – you are not Welsh. You are WAR. WAR Choosing to be Welsh makes me more Welsh. More Welsh than Sian Lloydd in a three way with Tom Jones and Martin Lewis. (PESTILENCE and FAMINE stop what they are doing and look at WAR in shocked silence) WAR (Cont.) Oh, come on! We have all thought about it. PESTILENCE (still patiently assembling the skeleton) When you've both finished flirting – badly – I would appreciate a little help reassembling the Landlord. We have all got places to go. (pauses to look at Famine) PESTILENCE (Cont.) There must be a chip shop proprietor out there, wondering why business is so slow tonight. FAMINE I have a healthy appetite, thank you very much. I am just big boned – it's genetic. Besides, if I was so fat how come I've lost my new ring from Elizabeth Duke? [FAMINE waves hand at PESTILENCE] WAR Genes is all choice too, FAMINE. If I can choose a rich history based on pride, song, soul - and an international reputation of sexual and sporting prowess - then you have every right to model yourself on a fat chick from Milton Keynes. PESTILENCE Delightful as this conversation is, I think his Lordship is waking up and I've left Igor alone in the Lab with the Petri-dishes. [FAMINE resumes eating candy at the table. WAR resumes work on the skeleton] FAMINE I thought you had already invented a new strain of Bird Flu? PESTILENCE (pauses to contemplate) Yes. Went down a storm at the Olympics. No. This is something new. FAMINE How can you contain your excitement? PESTILENCE In much the same way as your Lycra contains you – with difficulty. Mine is a labour of love. FAMINE With Igor? PESTILENCE Ha – ha. At least I can say the people love my work. FAMINE You are PESTILENCE – bringer of disease. People don't like you. Been lingering a little too long over the Bunsen burner, have we? PESTILENCE You do realise the work carried out in my department directly benefits yours: dysentery, gastroenteritis ... FAMINE and WAR (interrupt) - staphylococcus aureus! PESTILENCE - one of my best. Oh, you can laugh at the good-old Staph virus, but to research scientists I'm like a Suduko puzzle is to Carol Vordaman. They love my subtle nuances, biological conundrums and ... WAR (interrupts) dinosaur names - PESTILENCE Quite. DEATH (OFF STAGE: moans loudly) [FAMINE bolts the rest of her candy and joins PESTILENCE and WAR assembling the skeleton.] FAMINE He is going to go reaper on our asses. Let's face it – we're dead. PESTILENCE Shut up, FAMINE. That kind of attitude is not helping. Besides, I don't remember you finding fault with the idea at the time. WAR I don't know what you two worry about. What's the worst that can happen? PESTILENCE (clips WAR around the ear hole) Not that. Now, do you think you could be a dear and pass me his femur? I think I have a kneecap here... WAR All right. No need to sulk because you lost. PESTILENCE I did not lose. WAR You bloody English always lie. PESTILENCE I'm not English – I'm a Horseman. [WAR and FAMINE snicker] PESTILENCE I don't know what you two are laughing at – we are all in the same profession. FAMINE Yeah, but we didn't go and watch little Harry Potter in Equus five nights running... PESTILENCE Oh, good heavens. Would a little art and culture kill either of you? WAR The ladies in the Operatic society think I'm very well educated in the arts. PESTILENCE I am sure they do. If you want another chance to impress, with all your bits still attached where you like them to be, then I suggest you find his head. WAR Where is it then? FAMINE I think we left it in the gutter, after your last strike. It got wedged between the curb and neighbour's new Ford Focus. Anyway, his head being on is the least of our worries if he wakes up naked. [WAR gets up and goes to the table. WAR places bowl of candy on a chair and removes the table cloth, which reveals it to be a cowl. WAR hands PESTILENCE the cowl] PESTILENCE I have the patience of a saint. DEATH (OFF STAGE: moans louder) [PESTILENCE robes the skeleton while the action and dialogue continue] PESTILENCE Brilliant. Now someone go and get his head. FAMINE What do you mean: someone? Why don't you get it? PESTILENCE (holds up a bone and shakes it at her) Because I know where all the little fiddly bits go. FAMINE Go on then, WAR, you heard him. WAR Now, now. Let us do this thing fair and square. Rock, paper, scissors? FAMINE You always pick rock. WAR I might not – this time... FAMINE But you will. WAR (in bad American accent) Then take a wager with Lady Luck and play me. FAMINE Don't mess with me. WAR (continues bad American accent) I'm a mind cop and you are my dirty bank robber, lost in a helpless fight against a psyche with the power of a Magnum 45 millimetre hand gun. I know what you're thinking. Ask yourself, 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, huh? ... (mumbles forgotten part) ... in all of this excitement will he choose rock? FAMINE Do I feel lucky? In a game you always choose rock and for a job no-one wants to do? WAR Yeah! FAMINE All right. You're on. [FAMINE and WAR play. WAR chooses rock, FAMINE choose paper] WAR Best of three. You cheated. FAMINE No. And I did not cheat. WAR If I've said it before, I'll say it again: bloody cheating English bastards. FAMINE How did I cheat? WAR You knew I was going to pick 'rock'. FAMINE We've been through this. WAR Yes, but I was double bluffing. FAMINE Clever. Now, go and get his head before the Robinsons' kids start playing with it again. [WAR and FAMINE laugh] WAR You've got to admit, though. The Hitler moustache was an inspired bit of graffiti art. FAMINE Yeah, that was funny. But you try keeping a straight face when you are rubbing an ejaculating penis off the back a pate rattling with anger. [WAR and FAMINE laugh but stop when they see PESTILENCE rise and hold up the now robed but headless skeleton. He comes over to the table and props it slumped in a chair. PESTILENCE sits at the table, and patiently looks at FAMINE and WAR] WAR I better go and get 'His Knibs' then. [EXIT WAR] FAMINE (Becomes agitated again. Picks up bowl of candy and comfort eats.) Ooh, it's creepy. There's something so spooky about it. PESTILENCE Yes. I can see how an inactive collection of bones is spooky - when compared to the collection of supernaturally animate ones that normally rattle about the place with a hulking great scythe. Perhaps its the absence of the tortured cries of the dying which is creepy. Or, maybe it is fact that we have the freedom to change the station on the radio without the gates of hell slamming back on their hinges to inquire why The Archers isn't on. FAMINE Ooh! I don't know why you have to get so snotty about things. You used to be a right laugh once. PESTILENCE I did? FAMINE Okay, so maybe not a laugh, as such – more of an amused raised eyebrow, but we did seem to have a bit more fun. PESTILENCE The bowling was fun - until the gutterball - and last week we had a smashing night out at the new restaurant on the high street. FAMINE Yes, but you were working and a jolly time was not had by all. Well, not that group of investment bankers who became enthusiastically ill - all over the dinner plates of the next table. When is the last time we really had some fun? I mean, Armageddon could be just around the corner and you can't call a couple of centuries really living. PESTILENCE 'Armageddon's just round the corner' – How many years have we heard that one? Do you know, I actually met John the Evangelist. I got a first edition of his Apocalypse Scroll. He was half drunk, half mad, and that wasn't the half of it. He had a fixation with the Whore of Babylon. FAMINE Did anyone ever find out who he was on about? PESTILENCE No. Where are you from again? FAMINE Oi! Not from any hanging garden, if that's what you are inferring. PESTILENCE I wouldn't dream of inferring that you know anything about gardening. Who knows when all the prophecies will be revealed? FAMINE (points at DEATH) He knows. I hate the way he keeps it a big secret. What's the point? He gets that knowing grin plastered across his skull, steeples his fingers and sighs. PESTILENCE You're being a little unfair, FAMINE – he tends to grin at everything, even EastEnders. FAMINE Fair enough. Where is WAR? DEATH (OFF STAGE: angrily) Woe betides the Welshman with his fingers in my nasal cavity. WAR (OFF STAGE. Chirpy) Oh, you do like your little jokes! PESTILENCE Oh, dear. FAMINE I know it's part of his very nature to be a bit of a wind-up merchant, but I hope he doesn't take things too far - [Loud crash and cries of alarm OFF STAGE.] [ENTER WAR] [WAR staggers ON STAGE holding his nose and sits at table. Proceeds to shove COTTON WOOL bungs into his nostrils] WAR (sounding bunged up) Bloody, bastard, butted me! PESTILENCE Oh, dear. FAMINE (looks around for DEATH's skull) Where is he? DEATH (OFF STAGE. Booming voice) I am not amused. PESTILENCE Oh, deary, deary me. He's doing his Brian Blessed voice with Queen Victoria emphasis. FAMINE I knew it. Didn't I say he'd go flipping mental? Nobody listens to me. PESTILENCE Usually because it is a little difficult to understand you with an entire packet of hob-nob's in your mouth. FAMINE I shall choose to ignore that. PESTILENCE Things not normally said to biscuit packets? FAMINE I shall choose to ignore that too. I don't do humour. PESTILENCE Of course not. Fancy collecting His Lordship before he gets really vexed? WAR Don't look of me, I'm in a terrible state – what kind of mezzo-soprano will look twice at a bloke with cotton wool stuffed up his nose? FAMINE Mr Pessimistic Pestilence can go and get the skull; now that he's not fiddling with bony bits and bobs. PESTILENCE (stands with determination) Fine. I'll go on one condition. WAR Go on? FAMINE Name it. PESTILENCE That we all agree that I won. I am the undisputed King Pin of the Underworld. WAR Not a chance, you cheating English bastard! FAMINE Oh, who cares! It's only sport. [WAR and PESTILENCE look at her with shock] DEATH (OFF STAGE: thunderously) And I shall bring down great anger upon the dandy or whore who doesn't pick my head out of this used kebeb tray with a little bit of reverence and respect. WAR and FAMINE (together) Deal. [EXIT PESTILENCE] [FAMINE and WAR leave the table and make out as if they are spying on the action OFF STAGE. After 10 seconds, they rush back to their sears at the table and try to look nonchalant.] [ENTER PESTILENCE] [PESTILENCE is holding the skull in a Hamlet like pose] WAR Jesus, you are such a nancy. It's no wonder FAMINE looks so butch with you around the place. FAMINE Hey! I thought you, of all people would appreciate the athletic female form? WAR For the last time: I am not shagging you, and world record attempts at the most hotdogs eaten in five minutes do not make you an athlete. DEATH (OFF STAGE, VO) (shouted) There will be a heavy reckoning for your heinous acts of atrocity against my person! (OFF STAGE, VO) (conversationally) DEATH (Cont.) Actually, WAR has got a point, PESTILENCE. All that time with Igor can't be good for you. Just because your assistant is handy with needle and thread doesn't mean you have to take up quilting. PESTILENCE Sewing is a useful skill, your Lordship. Igor's been saying for weeks that he has too many skin samples about the place since the cloning experiments. He could run you up a birthday suit in no time. DEATH (OFF STAGE, VO) (pleasantly) How very thoughtful... (OFF STAGE, VO) (shouted) ... if I were in the habit of transhumanism! [DEATH moans loudly] FAMINE Are you alright? DEATH (OFF STAGE, VO) (shouted) Fine! For someone who took a nap with his head still attached and now feels as if it has been used as a bowling ball - [FAMINE, WAR, and PESTILENCE all shuffle guiltily] DEATH (Cont.) (OFF STAGE, VO) Oh, brilliant. So, the little chat we had after the Robinsons' children disfigured me, meant nothing, did it? All those flip charts about 'personal space' were done for nothing, eh? And I suppose we now have a champion bowler, do we? Someone whose name will echo through the ledgers of Hell as the cocky bastard who suffered the wrath of DEATH beyond any torment ever before devised? Who won? WAR Though it pains me to admit defeat: PESTILENCE is the official King Pin of the Underworld, my Lord. Would you look at the time! [WAR cheerfully rises and 'la, la, las' the “Ride of the Valkyries”] [EXIT WAR] PESTILENCE (to skull) Well, I wouldn't exactly call it winning - DEATH (OFF STAGE, VO - interrupts) And I suppose you are the one who has rammed a choice collection of cut-glass and metal alloy up my nose? FAMINE Oh, you found my ring! I thought I lost it for good. [FAMINE – strides over to PESTILENCE, snatches the skull and begins to shake it. Grabs RING and puts it on finger.] FAMINE (Cont.) Anybody want anything from the Co-op? [EXIT FAMINE] PESTILENCE (to skull) Look, I feel just dreadful about the whole thing. Is there anything I can do for you before I go back to the lab? DEATH (OFF STAGE, VO – resignedly) Just re-capitate me, please. But you should know I'm very disappointed in you, of all horsemen. [PESTILENCE places skull back on top of skeleton] PESTILENCE I can't apologise enough, your Lordship. I don't know what got into me. Anyway, I'm off to see what Igor makes of the result of our latest trials with 'teenage kicks'. DEATH (OFF STAGE, VO - interrupts) Ah. [EXIT PESTILENCE] DEATH (OFF STAGE, VO ) I wonder if I could replace them? Maybe get in a bunch of temps… [CURTAIN] THE END
© Copyright 2008 Acme (UN: acme at Writing.Com).
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