THE COW

Jimmy Jack Johnson, known to his friends as 3J, was racing his new sports car over the hilly dirt roads which ran through the woods near his home. Leaving thick swirls of dust in his wake as his speed indicator moved well to the right, he was thoroughly enjoying the drive as he topped the highest hill.

As he looked ahead to the bottom of the hill, he immediately stomped on his brake pedal and somehow managed to bring the car to a controlled stop a few feet directly in front of a cow resting comfortably in the middle of the road. Since there was not enough room to drive around the cow on either side, Jimmy first tried honking his horn to get the cow to move. The cow slowly turned its head to stare at the car, but made no other move. So Jimmy got out of the car and walked up close to the cow, then began yelling and flailing his arms. The cow gave Jimmy a quizzical look, but made no move. Jimmy had no wish to harm the cow, but he did want to continue his drive, so he gave the cow a couple of swats with his open palm. The cow swished its tail, but did not move. Jimmy decided to make the best of the situation and went back to his car, got inside and turned on the radio. He waited two hours until the cow decided to move and he was finally able to continue his drive.

While Jimmy had become mildly upset as a result of this incident, he became downright angry when he began finding the cow in the same spot at the same time each day, and he had to alter his plans.

Jimmy walked into Sheriff Cloyde Raysun's office and was greeted by Deputy Pete Perkins. When he told the Deputy why he was there, Jimmy was told that complaints were accepted only on the fourth Friday of each month. Since this was the first Monday of the month, Jimmy was given an appointment for a date several weeks later.

When he did report to the Sheriff's office on the appointed date, he was handed a stack of thirteen forms to be filled out in triplicate. As Jimmy was completing these forms, he wondered why they seemed to be asking for a lot more information about him than about the incident itself. When he had finished with the forms, he handed them to Deputy Perkins, who took them in to Sheriff Raysun to be reviewed.

Deputy Perkins came out of the Sheriff's office and fingerprinted and photographed Jimmy, then asked him to have a seat until the Sheriff was ready to see him. About an hour later, Jimmy finally got his opportunity to tell his story directly to Sheriff Raysun. The Sheriff first asked him if these incidents were continuing, and Jimmy replied that indeed they were. Jimmy was then asked to describe very specifically what he had done in an effort to get the cow to move, and he described first honking the horn, then yelling and gesturing, and finally swatting the cow a couple of times, all without success. The Sheriff was making a few notes as Jimmy was talking.

After a brief silent interval, Sheriff Raysun told Jimmy "The way I see it, these incidents have now been going on for a period greater than 30 days. The Historic Preservation Law states that anything which remains in one place for a period greater than 30 days is considered to be a historic structure and is entitled to the full protection of the law. If so requested by the appropriate parties, such structure can be given a historical marker containing an explanation of the structure's significance,"

Jimmy responded, "But Sheriff, this is a cow, for Pete's sake, not a structure,"

The Sheriff answered, "Technically you're right. But according to your own description this is the same cow remaining in the same spot for a minimum of two hours each day. My guess is that if you go before the Historic Preservation Council, they will at the least determine that this cow is entitled to be considered a temporary historical structure and will grant it a temporary historical marker, to be displayed at the appropriate hours each day.

"Now, to deal with your own situation. You must realize that you've created some problems for yourself. Since I believe you meant no harm to the cow, I'll try to keep this low-keyed. But you must realize that by honking the horn at the cow and yelling and flailing your arms about, you could have caused great emotional upset and caused this cow to behave in ways very different from those to which it is accustomed. Fortunately, this hasn't happened, because if it had, you would have been held responsible for any damages. Then, by actually slapping the cow, you committed a felonious assault, which could result in prison time, a fine, or both.

"However, I am willing to forego all that if you will agree to cooperated and do as I ask. I want you to do the necessary research and write up the proposal to have the cow declared a historic structure, then make the presentation to the Historic Preservation Council requesting this action."

Jimmy was stunned, and could not quite believe what he had heard. But after he thought for a few minutes about what the Sheriff had said, he decided to make the best of a bad situation and agreed to do what the Sheriff had requested.

After a couple of months, the Sheriff had not heard from Jimmy so he decided to drive out to Jimmy's place and ask what he was doing. Jimmy seemed in a good mood as he answered the door, and was quite talkative about everything but the cow. When the Sheriff finally brought up the subject, Jimmy said, "Well, Sheriff, ever since the day we talked that cow hasn't been blocking the road any more, so I decided to just let the matter drop. I guess she must have found a new resting place."

The Sheriff was actually glad to hear this, since there were now several more structures which had been in the same place for more than 30 days and were requiring his attention, since he had to give priority to the security of these new places of historical significance.

He waved goodbye to Jimmy as he kicked up a little dust when he swung his car around to head back toward town. Jimmy turned to go inside, but noticed he was feeling a little hungry. He decided to go downtown to get some fried chicken, because he had sure been eating a lot of beef at home lately and was getting a little tired of it.