I Remember

I Remember

I remember sitting round the table.
All of us,
The night you didn’t come home.

I remember the phone call,
The news,
That you were in hospital.

I remember mum leaving,
To be with you,
And my two sisters putting my brother and me to bed.

I remember being woken,
And bundled into the car.
The long drive,
With my sister’s boyfriend driving.

I remember them telling me,
You and mum were in a helicopter,
Ahead of us.

I remember that terrified me.

I remember your diagnosis,
As you lay sick in your bed.

Brain tumour,
Inoperable, untreatable
Three months to live.

I remember how I felt,
Sad, uncomprehending,
Confused.

I remember singing to you,
While we waited for the ambulance to take you home,
To die.

I remember you told me to shut up.

I remember that upset me,
But I was never a good singer.

I remember you leaving,
Not for another life,
But on a plane with mum and my sisters.

For a place in Mexico,
For hope.
You left in a wheelchair.

And I remember your return,
You walked in,
Smiling,
Cancer all but gone.

I remember the ups and the downs,
Of the coming years.

Trips to the hospital,
Cat scans,
Flights back to Mexico.

I never went,
But someday I will.
To thank them.

I remember you going off too work,
To a Citizens Advice Beuro,
Volunteer work

You always liked to help people,
It’s something I’ll always live by.

I remember when you got sick again,
How hard you fought,
How hard we all fought.

I remember turning you, when you couldn’t.

I remember saying good night to you,
And you squeezed my hand.
You said, “Good night man.”
You had hardly spoken in weeks.

I remember you going back to hospital,
How much it hurt.

I remember that night as mum sat by your bed,
Weeping,
When she thought you were gone.

I remember saying good night,
And good bye,
For the last time.

I remember the morning most of all,
Five years after that first night,
When you didn’t come home.

The entire family,
Gathered around my bed,
As I woke.

We wept for you.
We weep still.
We will weep forever for you.

Even now my tears dampen the paper on which I write.
Six years after you could fight no more.

I remember you Dad.
I always will.
I love you.