Diary Of A LoveBug

DIARY OF A LOVEBUG

Here I am, writing to you from a place where emotions run deep, from a place within my heart that is filled with love, both the sweet and the bitter. I am writing to you about love, a love that runs deep in my veins, a love that penetrates my whole being, a love I can’t get enough of. Love is like a bug I have caught, a bug that will remain with me forever. And I have to admit that I never want to it to fly away....So I call myself LoveBug and I weave a love story that will touch your heart…

When Blake wrote me that first email, it was so unexpected, so exciting. I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t know if Blake was real, and if he could be trusted, but he intrigued me, and I wanted to know if I would intrigue him too. I hesitated but wrote him back, telling him a little about me, and to my surprise Blake wrote me back. Since then we had been writing back and forth for about a month. It was only via email, but I liked it a lot.

Our e-mails were always full of substance. They were fun and exciting. They made me sweat buckets and shiver at the same time. Goose bumps ran through my entire body. I even found my body shaking. The smile on my face was so wide, that I was even surprised my lips could extend so much. And the weirdness I felt inside I have never felt before. The feelings were new and strange but oh so pleasant. Blake told me that he felt these things too when he read my e-mails, something he’d never felt before, especially for someone living far away from him, someone he’d never met. What I was going through was a sign that I was falling in love with Blake, and perhaps he felt that way about me as well. And it didn’t matter that we only spoke through email, that we haven’t spoken on the phone, or seen each other face to face. I knew that I had caught the love bug, that I was falling in love with Blake, falling hard, and I hoped that he felt the same way.

Every morning, the first thing I did when I logged onto my computer was head over to my inbox to check if a fresh email had come from Blake for me to indulge in. If no email had arrived yet, I kept hitting the refresh button endless times in hopes that by doing so the message would appear, and eventually it did, but I was left on edge and even feeling a little sad when no email came. Sometimes his replies were a few days after mine and it made it even harder for me to sit still, to go about my normal day, but in a way it made things more interesting. I was given the chance to miss him, miss him even more than I already did. The e-mails brought Blake closer to me, and it seemed as if he was just around the corner, and within arms reach.

At one point we actually traded pictures, and Blake’s just blew me away. I printed it out and placed it in a frame next to my bed. And from time to time when I was in my room I’d blow air kisses into the picture and I’d smile wide and say the words I love you over and over again. Sometimes I even sang to the picture or danced in front of it. It was bliss for me. And I was falling even more in love with him. I craved for Blake with all my heart, and for us to be together in the real world. I wanted that so much, yet I wondered if that would ever happen. At the very least I wished that Blake and I could meet face to face and spend an incredible, unforgettable day together. It would be hard since we both lived in different parts of the country, but I still hoped that one day that would be a reality.

And so one day Blake surprised me in one of his e-mails, and told me that he had some days that he had to take off from work, and that he could very well just spend them at home sleeping late, and just being lazy, but that he’d rather spend them with me. He wasn’t one hundred percent sure yet whether he’d be allowed to leave work, but he knew that if it was possible that he’d definitely spend them with me. And it turned out that Blake was allowed to take those days off, and so he bought himself a ticket and made plans to visit me for three days, to spend time with me, and to sight see. I was so excited about his visit, and I was on the edge of my seat the whole time anticipating his arrival. I just couldn’t wait.

It seemed like forever, and the time dragged itself at a slow crawl, but at last the day came, and Blake made that trip my way. He wanted to hear my voice for the first time in person, so when he landed at the airport, he texted me to let me know he is on his way to the hotel in Brooklyn. I texted him back saying that I was on my way to the hotel too, and very shortly after, we met up. It was such a surprise to meet him, and I will admit a little uneasy at first, but it was very exciting at the same time. I didn’t expect Blake to hug me as a way of greeting, but he did, and I welcomed it. Even to this day the hug is imprinted in my memory. After that hug we walked a few blocks to the subway, and got on the R train to take us to the city. That is where we spent all three days together.

I showed Blake around the city plenty and we went to different places like the Empire State Building, the photography museum, the Rose Center of the American Museum of Natural History where we saw this cool animated music light show SonicVision, the area around NYU, and this amazing seafood buffet, which he enjoyed so very much, among others. We even went to see this hilarious off-Broadway show about neighbors who were strangers trying to get to know each other. It was a perfect show for us since we were in a way strangers too. We did so much walking over the period of three days that our feet hurt so much. That was surely something that he would never forget, and I would not either. Maybe to this day it is still in his memory, as it is in mine.

Over the course of our three days together everything seemed to be going perfect, as if fate was on our side. We ended up seeing Uma Thurman shooting a movie downtown, break dancers strutting their stuff in midtown, some band playing in Union Square, and some interesting comedic, acrobatic act near NYU. It was phenomenal.

The only downside to our time together was that for the first two days the rentals told me they would be picking me up near Blake’s hotel. There were no ends or buts about it, so on that first day late into the night my parents picked me up near the subway station and had Blake get in the car so they could drop him off at the hotel, even though it was just a few blocks away. He didn’t want to get inside the car at first, but then gave in. Once the car pulled up to the entrance, with the rentals being right there and in our faces, there was no way that we could say a proper good-bye to each other, with a hug, or perhaps a kiss, which I so fancied. That was a huge disappointment for us both, more so for me. All we could do was wave good-bye.

On that second day, we actually decided to walk to the hotel entrance and wait for the rentals there. We saw them a block away and were about to say bye to each other with more than just mere words when they pulled up right next to us. I was really upset and big time. Why couldn’t they park a block away? Why couldn’t they come pick me up a few minutes later? Argh! They once again ruined what would have been a great moment for us to finish off our amazing day together.

On the third day much to mom’s refusal, and bickering, Blake and I took the ferry to Staten Island where I lived, from which he would take a cab to his hotel in Brooklyn. This time even though we’d be near my house, the rentals would not be around, and we’d be able to say a proper good-bye. I was really hoping that Blake would kiss me, but that didn’t happen. At least he gave me a tight hug. I held on to him for dear life, not wanting him to get in the cab and drive off. I wanted to spend more time with him, but sadly he had to go. When the cab pulled up near my house, I had to let go of Blake's hug, and as I did I held on to his arm with my hand a few seconds longer. I just couldn't bring myself to let him go. I wanted him here with me for a little bit longer, but that was not to be. I told him good-morning instead of good-bye because good-bye meant that I would never see him again, and I really didn’t want that, and it was morning anyway. We promised to keep in touch and then he got in the cab and drove off.

I was enveloped by sadness right then and there, and wanted to burst into tears. That’s how I also felt on that last day after we finished watching a movie at the theater and were getting ready to take the ride home. Before leaving I went to the bathroom to relieve myself and then I was taken over by this very strong emotion while being in the stall, and I put my hands around my throat wanting to squeeze tight and end it right there. I just couldn’t stand the thought that tomorrow Blake would be gone. I managed to take my hands off my throat and went to the sink to wash my hands. I let the water run for a while and I splashed my face with water multiple times. I also held my hands under the running faucet for a bit. I really took my time and even then I still thought of ending it. I don’t know how I managed to not go through with it, and I don’t even know how I managed to turn off the water and leave the bathroom.

When I finally got out of the bathroom I saw Blake waiting for me. He thought that something happened to me because I was in there for quite a long time. I told him that everything was fine. I talked to him in a rather quiet tone because I was still in a daze from the movie, but also because I was still suffering the affects of the bathroom ordeal and because I wanted this magical moment to last. All of this was taking a huge toll on me.

The day after Blake left I chose to write him a thank you letter. At first I was going to wait for him to be the first to write me, but then I just gave into my temptation and sent him my letter first. His thank you reply was so very emotional and heartfelt that I tried not to burst into uncontrollable sobs as I read it. It was very hard for me to do, and I think I did shed a few tears along the way. Blake told me that he hoped our tracks would cross sometime in the future, and of course I hoped so too. Of course, when that would happen and if it ever would, remained to be seen.

After our heartfelt thank you letters to each other, Blake’s e-mails became less frequent, partly because he was working two jobs, and because he was moving out of his rentals’ house. I think that after that thank you letter his next reply was six days later, on Dec. 24th, which was my birthday. I thought that perhaps he forgot, but Blake being the type of person who doesn’t forget things easily, actually wrote me a greeting. It was what I needed to hear so very much. Of course, I replied back to him, being so touched by his gesture. I didn’t get his return e-mail though until the day before I had to leave to upstate NY for a three-day new year’s retreat.

Unfortunately, his e-mail came to me after I checked the inbox and had logged out, so I thought that he didn’t want to write me anymore, or have anything to do with me for that matter. So, I went away with this feeling of regret and despair to the resort. I kept thinking about him while there. The first two days I seemed okay but on New Years Eve I was in a depressed mood and was on the verge of tears. It got worse when I wanted to see the ball drop to ring in the New Year but parents and relatives decided to do that with the Russians instead where no ball would be seen dropped. During that late evening/early morning period there were plenty of times that I made trips to the bathroom just so I wouldn’t breakdown in front of everyone. I cried there, though not too hard, because it would have shown on my face. And there, being in one of the stalls I wanted to end it again. The desire was so strong that I don’t know how I didn’t go through with it. People tried to drag me to the dance floor, but I obviously wasn’t into it, yet somehow managed to get into the groove and actually had some fun. Of course Blake and my feelings were still hanging around me.

From what I remember, I wrote him an e-mail when I came back telling him how I felt about him, and asking him if I was being rejected or something. He ended up telling me that he didn’t want to have a long distance relationship at that point, but he told me that we could be friends. I was so disappointed, but was happy that he actually wanted to be friends with me. After all, all I wanted was for him to be a part of my life, and it seemed like that would actually happen. Unfortunately that wasn’t entirely the way it turned out.

His e-mails became much less frequent, and fairly short. They also lacked the substance and charm they had before. At times he didn’t even write me unless I wrote him first, and even sometimes he didn’t even reply to my e-mails. My e-mails seemed to have changed a bit as well.

When Blake found out from his aunt that I was coming over for a visit in July, he offered me a tour of his neck of the woods, to which I agreed. But, he also told me that he has a girlfriend. He thought that it’d be fair for me to know that bit of information, although I wished he hadn’t told me about it. I told him congratulations, and that this girl was pretty lucky to have a guy like him for a boyfriend, and that I would never find a guy like him. I have no idea why I didn’t tell him exactly how I felt in terms of finding out that he was a taken guy, but I wish I had. It was killing me that he wasn’t free anymore, but I guess I was just trying to be nice to him.

When Blake told me that they would pick me up at his aunt’s house at a certain time, meaning him and his girlfriend, my mood went downhill, but there was nothing I could do. I had to see Blake again, and if it meant being around her then that’s how it’d be. When he picked me up from his aunt’s house I was hoping that his girlfriend wouldn’t be in the car, and to my luck she was nowhere in sight, which was a huge relief.

There was something wrong with his car so we had to drive over to his house to switch to another car of his. While there he showed me his crib that he shares with his friend. He showed me pretty much everything except his bedroom, which I really wanted to see. The reason why he didn’t take me there was because his girlfriend was sleeping there. What a bummer! After waiting for Blake to get his keys and being interrogated by his friend, which made me feel awkward, we left and he gave me that special tour of his. I will never forget it. The downside to the tour is that it only lasted for four or five hours and that was it, as opposed to the full-days touring together when he came to see me in NYC.

After he dropped me back to his aunt’s house and we had to say good-bye I ended up telling him “nice to meet you”. He gave a chuckle at my phrase because this was not the first time we met. I told him that I was still jet-lagged from the flight. We hugged each other, he lightly and I tightly. I tried to stall the time and hold on to him for a bit longer but we had to part.

Over the rest of my stay there I never heard from Blake again. He never even called, or wrote me an e-mail, or stopped by his aunt’s house to tell me good-bye, and he never bothered to invite me to spent more time with him (as a friend) or show me around more. That really tore me up, but what really did a number on me was finding out from mom (who heard it from his aunt) that Blake’s girlfriend used to do drugs, and fuck men left and right, that her parents wanted her out of the house, and that she now lived at Blake’s, slept with him, and had access to his credit cards. I just couldn’t believe that he didn’t want to give us a chance and ended up settling for some messed up tramp. At first he didn’t know about her past, but after finding out from his aunt (who knows her parents) he still kept her under his wing. Why is that? I don’t get it.

I can say that I was not my normal self during the visit to his aunt’s house. One time in the shower after finding out the news I burst into heavy tears, and I cried plenty other times too. On the last day when we all went to the park I lay down on the blanket and pretended that I was sleeping because all I wanted to do was cry hysterically. I was thinking about Blake and the fact that he was right there yet so far away, and that he was ignoring me while I was there. If I didn’t pretend to be sleeping everyone would see tears running down my face, and that I didn’t want. Mom sensed that something was not right, and that it might have something to do with Blake, but I told her it wasn’t it. I just wanted to be left alone.

Ever since Blake got himself a girlfriend (and I am glad I never got to see her face except a version of her I conjured up in one of my dreams) he has been pretty much ignoring me. He has stopped writing me e-mails (our only mode of conversation), and he didn’t even reply to my previous two e-mails, the one where I thanked him for continuing to be my muse and inspiration, and the one where I told him I published my book. I wrote him another e-mail telling him about my book again and how it would mean the world to me if he bought it, about my outing to the club, about a few other things, and that if he thinks that I forgot about him that I have not. I told him that I miss talking to him, and that he is always on my mind, and in my heart. I also told him that I hoped he would reply back to me. I signed the e-mail with “your friend”. I never got a reply from him though.

I can’t believe that he couldn’t take a moment to write me back, and that he stopped writing me altogether. If we are meant to be friends (as he seemed to agree to be) then it is an unfriendly thing of him to do, to just ignore me like that. Just because he has a girlfriend and she is his high priority doesn’t mean that he should ignore his friends, me including. He could have at least written me an email telling me to stop writing him, and that he and I should no longer be friends or keep in touch, but he didn’t do that. And of course that left me torn, and torn a lot.

After that ordeal I did have the urge to write him an e-mail, and I still do, but I stop myself. I don’t want to put myself into these e-mails that will just be ignored, or trashed, or whatever. It will be a waste of time, and a play on my emotions, and I don’t want to do that. So, I just let it be. I try to get him out of my mind, to stop thinking about him, yet I still find it hard to do. From time to time he still creeps into my mind. Sometimes the memories and thoughts are sweet, and sometimes they are bitter. I can’t stop them from coming into my head and mind. I just can’t. He was the best thing to happen to me, and I can never forget him.

I don’t regret that Blake came into my life. Not one bit. And even though he has caused me plenty of grief and tears I still love him to death, and always will. He will always hold that special place in my heart. I guess I will never give up hope that our tracks will cross sometime in the future and that even perhaps we’ll be together in the end.

I truly believe that he was “the one”, the guy I was meant to be with. In a big way I thought for a while that if I don’t exist in his world anymore then I don’t want to exist at all, but I do want to exist. I want to keep on living, and I want to because of that hope that someday Blake and I will be together as we were meant to be, and because there might be some other guy waiting in the wings for me, someone special like Blake. So, maybe that’s what keeps me going, what prevents me from leaving my life, my world, that more than once I have thought of leaving behind. What has happened to me since Blake came into my life can never be erased from my memory, from my heart. It is just no possible.