I Didn't Know...

8-27-08



Dear Mom,

I never knew how much regret you have been carrying concerning what happened between us back when I was a teenager. The eggshells we have been walking on, I thought, were because of me - because of my need to forgive you - because of my anger and resentment towards you for turning your back on me and choosing your boyfriend over me. Today, I realized that's only half the eggshells.

Last night we got to go out together, just me and you, the way it was back before Randy took over your life. We went bar hopping, filling the jukeboxes with man-hating pissed off women, drinking ourselves silly way past last-call. As you ranted about Randy and all you have done for him, I saw this glimmer come over your eyes. I don't know if you just realized what I had been knowing (and dispising) for years, but I saw the fuzzy cloud of blinded love drift away. Randy stole you away from me. More than that, he stole you away from yourself, from who you were and who you've wanted to be. If Randy wasn't there, you and I would have never lost our connection. If Randy wasn't there, you would've never left me home alone for days giving me time to fuck countless men and throw countless underage parties. If you weren't so wrapped up in taking care of him, you would've took better care of me. If Randy wasn't there, I wouldn't have ended up homeless at 17 yrs old. I would've listened to you. I would've respected you more, And all the horrible things that happened to me while you were paying attention to him would've never happened.

More than that, I could never tell you how I really feel (the open lines of communication were simply shut down between us - something you and I have had since I was tiny) because you would quickly become so defensive over your man, once again proving how quickly you were choosing him over me.

This morning I woke up to hear you on the phone with him in my living room. As heartbreaking as it was to hear your voice cracking telling him to get his things and get out, I felt it was about time for you to see the light. I heard you as you told him all those things I had been feeling for so long. I heard you telling him how much you hated him for keeping you jaded, for keeping you away from your daughter. You told him how much fun you have with me, how much you love me, how I should have been the center of your world for all these years. You told him that you have finally grown up and now your getting your priorities straight.

When you hung up the phone, I was sitting beside you pretneding I hadn't been listening the whole time. I saw how hard you were trying to fight back the tears, and I just couldn't look you in the eyes. It hurts me so bad to see you hurting, and knowing you were hurting far worst then just from a heartbreak. You were hurting for all the times you had hurt me. Then you said it - "I'm sorry."

It was the most heartfelt apology I had ever heard. In those two simple words 9 years of neglect, worry, regrets, mistakes, and anger all vanished into steam. "I became so jaded," you confessed " that I began to believe that I needed a man in my life to make me happy. But now I see that all the happiest times in my life were made with just you and me."

Now we're back to making plans together, just you and I. Plans for the farm, plans for our lives. I just hope you don't loose your strength and fall back into his deadly arms.

I love you, Mom. But please, don't let a man cause you to turn your back on me again.




Love,
Dawnnisa