Push and Pull

I lost her again, behind the pimpled face and panicked eyes. Rather, I lost her in the porcelain mold of my being. There are times when I see her, this beautiful angel with no fear or doubt holding her down, yet the majority of my days are ruled by this shadow image of myself that I have. When I look in the mirror I see a monster. My chin sags under the weight of gluttony, black circles encase my eyes like ravenous dragons searching for their next meal, and my body is loaded with more fat than it needs. Granted, I am slightly heavier than I need be, but in this horrible depiction that gloats at me from the mirror, I am horrendous. The beauty that others may or may not see is hidden by this self-imposed expectation of what a heavenly treasure should appear to be. In comparing my visage to that of the glamorized models and stick figure beauties in all the magazines, I find myself lacking. I view myself as undesirable, unattractive, unwanted. While encompassed by this self-mutilation, I see her again. I find her when all my bridges are about to come crashing down into oblivion. When I turn to the mirror expecting to see filth, she looks through my eyes and over takes me for one brief moment in time. She reminds me that I am beautiful and that I am too harsh with myself and I need not be. Its like two people living together in one body, two sides to one face. I can talk to both, but one is eclipsed by the other. The dominant mask the world sees, and the submissive soul too tired to come out and too scared to break the lie.

Galena, what ever is the matter? I sigh because I know I'm talking to myself once again, like there was actually another being in the room with me. I suppose some would find that disturbing, yet for me it is only natural that I should confide in myself. Who better to trust my secrets with than one who already knows them?

" I don't really want to talk now, Kira." Were she the dominant persona, her hand would have slid gracefully across her pale forehead at a worried pace. As it stood, she could only push out an exacerbated sigh through the mouth of her host.

Why do you continually do this to yourself, hm? Are you really that unhappy with who you are?

"You'd be unhappy too in my position. You're perfection incarnate and I'm the love child of the hunchback of Notre Dame and Igor in female form, remember?" I felt my head shake from side to side in a solemn manner and I knew I had upset her. Kira hates when I am unhappy, especially when that discontentment is brought on by my brutal criticisms of myself.

"Look at me, Kira! I’m no great prize, no breath-taking beauty! I’ve never been kissed, never even been looked at by a boy…nothing. I’m worthless, Kira, absolutely worthless.”

Have you ever stopped to think, that maybe, just maybe the reason you’ve never been approached by a boy or been able to walk about without gluing your eyes to the ground, or even be happy with yourself as you are is because you have no confidence in yourself?
A familiar, gentle look peeked out from my eyes and I knew Kira was waiting for me to answer her. We sighed and I felt my head drop a little, as was Kira’s habit to do when she was in deep thought.

Galena, by choosing to accept that your present self and state of mind are products of past actions and decisions, there can be only one possible outcome… She paused and looked at me from within the mirror once more.

Your true beauty will present itself and all fear and insecurity will melt away. I saw that same gentle look once more, but this time there was a sense of strength woven within it. Seeing that look, makes me feel like a worm simply because I don’t believe I could ever have a quarter of that inner strength that Kira possesses.

“ What ‘true beauty’? I look in the mirror and see nothing but doubt." She listened intently while I talked. Then after a pause we breathed in together.

Galena, I want you to look in the looking glass once more. This time, drop all expectations you have for yourself and all those others have for you. Once you've done that, tell me what you see.

I did as she bid me. I gazed into the glass and at first the image I had seen before glared back at me in disgust. Then, slowly that picture began to fade as I let go of all the limitations and standards I set for myself. I continued to watch the metamorphosis in awe as bit by bit, my alter ego was revealed. Finally, I saw what it was Kira wanted me to see. From that moment, I realized what she had been trying to make me understand for the past five years. We were one, not two sisters trapped in one body, nor were we two alter egos vying for positions of power in one case of flesh. I was Kira and she was me.

" I see us." I watched as our head nodded thoughtfully. Startlingly blue eyes pieced the reflection as we leaned closer to the mirror.

Now do you understand?


*Dedicated to a friend who needs to hear this from someone.