Parentheses Man

         Mild-mannered Mr. Parentheses is just sitting on a bench somewhere in the city of Punctuation when-
         (What does mild-mannered mean, anyway?)
         It means easygoing, good-natured, docile, calm-
         (Okay, okay, I get the idea. What makes you think I’m mild-mannered?)
         I don’t know. It’s what I’m supposed to say. Now, mild-mannered Mr. Parentheses was-
         (How do you know my name? Are you some sort of stalker person? Aaaah! Stalker person!)
         I’m the narrator. I know everything.
         (Well, if you’re so smart, Mr. Narrator Person, what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?)
         A stupid question.
         (Whoa. You’re good.)
         Now, as I was saying, Mr. Parentheses is just sitting on a bench somewhere in the city of Punctuation when his watch beeps.
         (What!?! Is that the best you can come up with? You’re the worst narrator thingy I’ve ever seen!)
         I wasn’t finished. Your watch really is beeping.
         (Oh yeah. What does that mean?)
         It means something dastardly is afoot in your immediate vicinity.
         (English, please.)
         The bad guy’s two feet away from you. 
         (Holy something! You’re right! What do I do know?)
         Just listen. Mr. Parentheses quickly dons a clichéd colorful costume and cape and races into action!
         (I am Parentheses Man!)
         [Not so fast, Parentheses Man!]
         (Holy something else! It’s the evil Bracket Lady!)
         [That’s right,] she said. [I’m doing something really, really bad, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me!]
         (What are you doing? What is your evil plan?)
         [I’m not going to tell you.]
         (That means it’s no good.)
         [No, it just means-]
         (You don’t even have a plan, do you?)
         [I-]
         (I knew it! You don’t have a pla-an, you don’t have a pla-an, you don’t have a-)
         [SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!]
         (Geez. I heard you the first time. So what is your plan?)
         [Well, I thought about blowing the world up, but then I realized that I’m on the world. Then I thought about enslaving all of humanity, but I just didn’t feel like it today. I considered blocking out the sun, but I really need to get a tan. So I eventually decided on forming an army of dachshunds to-]
         (Gesundheit.)
         [What?]
         (You sneezed.)
         [No I didn’t. I said dachshunds.]
         (Gesundheit.)
         [Okay, I am going to make an army of wiener dogs to annoy the heck out of all of humanity.]
         (That’s your evil plan?)
         [I didn’t say it was an evil plan. I said it was a really, really bad plan.]
         (Yeah, it’s a bad plan. What are wiener dogs going to do?)
         [Well, I thought I’d use them first to terrorize the postal service. Then I’d have them bark all night and keep the rest of the neighborhood awake.]
         (Gasp! You fiend! I must put a stop to this!)
         [You can’t.]
         (Why not?)
         [I have your one weakness!]
         (Jelly donuts?)
         [No!] Bracket Lady holds up a bright blue crystal about the size of her hand. Parentheses Man falls to the ground, gasping, (No! It’s...a big rock...that...makes people...talk funny...)
         [Give up yet?]
         (NO! Must...stop...funny crystal thing...wiener dogs...)
         [Ha! I have finally defeated Parentheses Man!]
         He jumps to his feet and snatches the crystal from Bracket Lady’s grasp.
         [How did you- How did-]
         (You didn’t think a stupid rock could stop me, did you?)
         [But...but...]
         Parentheses Man hurls the crystal at her head and misses. Bracket Lady soon regains her senses.
         [What was that for?]
         (For trying to take over the world with wiener dogs.)
         [Oh yeah? Well, take THIS!]
         She is about to throw the crystal back at him when an innocent bystander, who happens to be a preschool teacher, steps in.
         “No! You two are going to sort this out without hurting each other! Bracket Lady, you are officially in a time out!”
         Parentheses Man looks at Bracket Lady. Bracket Lady says, [This person’s nuts!]
         (I agree. Why don’t we settle this another day?)
         [That sounds good. See you then!]
         (See you!)
         By the time another day came around, both had forgotten all about it.
         (Wait a second! This is the best ending you could come up with?)
         If you have a better idea, I’d love to hear it.
         (Uhh...Ummm...never mind.)
         I thought so.