Aliens!

The Beatles, as we all know, were amazing musicians, singers, and songwriters, possibly the best in the history of this planet. But where did they come from? How could they be such incredible virtuosos for an entire decade, and then have extremely successful solo careers? The answer, as usual, is that they were aliens.
         The first clues come from their songs, both forwards and backwards. When you play “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” backwards, you hear, “It was a fake mustache.” As every band member had some sort of facial hair at the time, it is easy to conclude that they were, in fact, wearing false mustaches. This is because, as I’m sure you all know, aliens, particularly those from the planet Zargle, are incapable of growing facial hair. The fact that they wore false facial hair shows that they were extremely savvy about blending into human society; the fact that they revealed their extraterrestrial heritage through songs shows just how incredibly gifted the Beatles really were.
         Also, the song “I am the Walrus” gives clues. It is frequently thought that Zarglians worship walruses; this is not true. In actuality, they believe that when they die, they become walruses. So “I am the Walrus” is probably a variant on some sort of hymn from their home planet.
         The phrase heard when you play “Revolution 9” in reverse (“Turn me on, dead man,”) comes from the fact that on Zargle, ghosts work as servants. They are most commonly employed as lamp operators; the result is much like automatic light switches. You enter the room and the dead man turns on the lights. The Beatles were probably some sort of royalty on their home planet, and were homesick for the dead men that turned on their lamps.
         The next signs come from album art. Take Rubber Soul, for instance. In it, George appears to be looking out of the picture. This is because on their home planet, it is considered bad manners to be looking directly at the camera. It took much training to ignore their upbringing, and they usually succeeded in staring straight at the camera. When they took the picture for Rubber Soul, though, George must’ve forgotten.
         Next comes Revolver, in which Ringo is staring up rather than to the front or side like the other Beatles. This is actually a visual inside joke. (Remember, Ringo’s the “funny one.”) They were amused by the Earthling idea that aliens were “beamed up” to their ships. In actuality, the ships send down really, really, really long ladders that the aliens climb up very quickly. So Ringo was pretending to be waiting to be “beamed up.” The other Beatles found this hilarious.
         Finally, we examine the cover of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. Firstly, look at their clothes. They are obviously not from Earth. The style is similar to that of their home planet. Also, Sgt. Pepper is the name of the Zarglian leader, well-known for dressing in brightly colored suits. Simply put, their outfits are out of this world.
         Last but not least, some clues come from their live performances, most notably the Shea Stadium performance. John Lennon is famous for playing a piano with his elbows during one song. This is reminiscent of the renowned Zarglian keyboardist Googoo G’joob. (Sound familiar?) G’joob was notorious for playing the piano with (drum roll, please) his elbows! He once composed songs for an entire symphony orchestra that required the use of the musicians’ elbows. The Beatles were very heavily influenced by his songwriting style (one of his most famous songs is “There Goes the Moon”), and wanted to pay their respects to this legendary Zarglian.
         I hope that you have enjoyed this, and found a new way of looking at one of the greatest bands of all time. The Beatles have been slowly returning to their home planet, each one carefully staging their own deaths so that they may “get back” to where they once belonged. So somewhere, millions of light-years away, John Lennon, George Harrison, and the real Paul McCartney are saying, “Turn me lamp on, dead man,” to their hearts’ content.
         In conclusion, though the Beatles were obviously from another planet, they are still the most talented musicians, singers, and songwriters Earth has ever known. They are probably the best we ever will know.
         Unless the Zarglians pay another visit...