Pythons Hippopotami and Giant Pixies

Pythons Hippopotami and Giant Pixies


When I first began looking at digital cameras, the question in my mind was picture quality. Having used film cameras I knew about shutter speeds; as to how they worked I don’t know. Like electricity I know about it, I use it, but as to the exact details of how it works, I would probably flunk any test on it. Walking into a Game Store I was confident enough, I wasn’t going to be a pushover for any sales guy. I might not be able to walk the talk, but I do know how to talk the walk; I have been in sales most of my life.

At the digital counter I pointed out the camera I wanted to look at; my informed decision was arrived at, pretty much the same way I used to pick winners at the race track. I used to study the race form, consider which jockey was on which horse, work out all the information on hand, close my eyes, and put my pen on a name. This is a versatile system, which can be utilized in any situation where there are too many unknown variables.

After taking out the camera from behind the locked glass doors of the display unit, he handed it to me; the slight differences between a camera and a car are: a camera doesn’t have tires you can kick, there is no exhaust you can look into, I think it would be a problem bouncing it up and down without breaking it; the major differences is you can't stick your head in the engine compartment, and pull out a dip stick, also it would be awkward holding a car in your hand. A camera however does have buttons.

I had recently had an encounter by pressing a button. A few days ago we went to view a retirement village; all apartments were brand new, selling fast with only a couple of them left. I switched off, as soon as the sales guy went into 500 thousand reasons why we should purchase the bachelor apartment, take away the filler, the garnish and the dressing what’s left is half a million Rand, and there isn’t even an ocean view in Pretoria. I think the sales guy must have drunk a full bottle of oil before we got there, that spiel of his was coming so slick out of his mouth; “What’s this button for?” I asked breaking into his spiel, pressing a red button.

“Very good question, I’ll answer it in a moment.” Was his reply carrying on with his presentation unfazed, even when three or four nursing staff burst in the room, brandishing a needle designed to inject an elephant; looking for the patient, or at least the person who had summoned them for an emergency, this in turn brought on urgent emergency for me to get to the bathroom.

With the camera I felt it was safe enough to press the button without any dire consequences, so I pressed it gently first, waited, and nothing happened. Pressed it again more firmly, waited still nothing happened. I supported the camera with my thumb on the base, my index finger on the button, squeezed so hard my finger was even turning blue, and held it there; no reaction, none at all.
“It won’t work sir”
“Then why sell it if it won’t work?”
“Oh it will work sir… Once you put the batteries in.”

Of course I knew that, I was just checking to see if he knew.

“I just want to check out the settings. Make sure, the quality of my shots doesn’t come out looking as if the shoot took place in a London pea soup, with me standing on Mars; you know shutter speed and all that.”

Have you ever felt someone is being condescending?

“As this is a digital camera, your quality is measured in megapixels” …I think the guy meant pixies, you know the gnome like things you put in your garden, only large size ones, I have never seen a giant pixie. “You can determine your PPI” he carried on telling me, though I couldn’t understand, why would I want to know the producer price index, if I wanted to take a photo.

“Work out the resolution,” which resolution, the one I made at New Year, or the one I made a couple of days ago? “Using the Pythagoras’ theorem” I think that’s Latin for python; “let c be the length of the hypotenuse..” must be the new name for a hippo; every where and every thing is getting a new name; Pretoria is becoming Swanie; I wonder if the Apies is going to be called Swanie river? “a and b the legs of the other two sides” what other two sides? A hippo only has two sides, a left and a right. At this point I was so busy trying to fit the length into or onto the two sides in my mind I was slightly confused. Not to mention giant pixies and pythons.

“Never mind all that now. How do I take a picture?”

“Aim and click.”

“That’s it?”

“Yes and you need an extra chip” I looked at the packet of potato chips in my hand. The guy didn’t say anything, filled out the docket, told me to pay at the counter, bring the receipt. I took it and a whole lot of other goodies, paid with the voucher I got when I upgraded my cell phone contract. As to how the new Samsung works with MP 3, and all, you know; I think I will get the kid next door to show me how to use it. If pythons, hippopotami and giant pixies can come out of a camera, also a Samsung; who knows what’s lurking inside the phone?



Word Count 973

Author’s notes

PPI = pixels per square inch, i.e. number of dots per square inch on your screen.
Game Stores: a departmental chain store group in South Africa.
Pretoria’s new name is Tswane, everyone news readers on TV pronounce it Swanie, seeming to forget Ts is distinctively different to Sw. Apies (pronounced ar-peas) a river flowing through Pretoria, named after monkeys.
Name change is sensitive in Pretoria, in a recent meeting, at one of the suburbs Town Hall, during a debate; someone hit another person on the head with a chair.