The Edge

The Edge
By Michelle Berardo Klear



Have you ever stood on an edge of a cliff?

Wondering if you should jump, fall or back away? I recently went to the edge and I was hoping someone would catch me before I hit bottom.

No one was able to catch me, so I hit bottom and discovered through all my tears that I was able to bounce. I couldn't believe my luck.

I loved that moment when I was flying through space and realized I had no one to count on but myself. I finally felt alive. How strange when I landed among the shattered glass that I was not cut.

I was bruised and I had past blood on me, but no new cuts. I couldn't believe I was strong enough to go to the edge, and take a chance on myself like that.

All my life, I have been the good girl. Always trying to please my parents, my God, and myself.
I woke up four years ago when my parents died and I figured out that I am not tied to them anymore.

I was free. I could face my painful past and grieve for the little girl. I had to make choices for other people and carry the burden of responsibility for a twin that was abusive. For parents who could not give me what I needed. And most of all for going away in my mind and feeling not good enough to be loved.

I think I did love myself, to some degree but it was never enough, I kept looking for a lover, anyone who could confirm to me what I wanted to believe about myself but I could not trust. I wanted to go back to my first love experience to see if it was real. Did I ever love right?

I do love myself. I am good enough and more importantly, I want to find that love to help me parent. I have two wonderful kids but my son is a challenge that takes away my power to love him like he needs.

He is consumed with a negative evil that strikes out at anytime; I am never prepared for his lashing and hatred. He is only five and I have known from the minute he was conceived that he would be this way.

I have prayed for years that this was not true. I have covered it up and made excuses for him; I have blamed it on sugar, not enough rest, bullies in his classes, you name it and I have tried it to protect him.

But the burden and grief was too strong. When I lost my mind this summer, I needed to escape the reality of it. I had to finally see that I could not help him anymore and my husband was ignoring me and our problems.

I felt isolated and rejected just like in my childhood and it was too much for me to bear, so I wanted to run away.

I got on the cliff and I felt this strong breeze to release my past, I reached out and actually connected with my first love. Wow what a wonderful discovery and it was tearing me apart because it was in the past and not real and I needed it to be real.

I wanted so much to believe that a love like that could last twenty some years. That he would take me away from my problems and I could walk away. I did not get that chance; he walked away when he realized the price I was willing to pay. He was not willing to pay the price of my fantasy trip and he did not catch me when I jumped from the cliff.

No I caught myself in midair and among the dust clouds I saw something beautiful in me for the first time.

I was strong, not insane and not wrong for wanting to feel better. I needed to feel better I needed to dream one more time. I needed to find myself again.

I am still near the edge of my life, I still want to look in and not touch what I know is coming, the doctor visits, the medications, the therapy and the tears.

He needs me to be strong, he needs me calm and self assured and most of all he needs me sane.

Please stay sane, because there is no cure for mental illness, just trial and error and getting it right some days and blowing it the next.  I have been to war, I have battled my own demons but to see someone so innocent as my son suffer it breaks off a piece of my heart every day.

I can do this, I have no choice but I need to hear a voice that tells me "I am loved" and it will all be ok.



2/07

821 words