Teddy's Spin Doctor

WC 434

Teddy’s Spin Doctor

By Jack Rawlins

“Mr. President, your popularity rating dropped twenty points since your last bear hunt. We need something to get those malcontents off your backside and on your side again.”

“What do they have against me killing a few bears?”

“A lot of people think hunting is cruel. They’d rather be eaten by a grizzly than grill one.”

”Well, what can you do to make them love me?”

“Mr. President, there’s a toy manufacturer in Connecticut who makes cuddly little stuffed bears. How about if we cut him a deal to sell them as Teddy Bears?”

“What’s in it for me?”

“It’s a great photo op—Rough and tough Theodore Roosevelt with a soft cuddly Teddy Bear.”

“I like that. How about if we have them shoot it while I’m sitting in my red wagon? Not the bear, you understand.”

“Mr. President, we want to show that despite your reputation as a Rough Rider, you’re a compassionate and gentle man-- not a loony.”

“Well, in the last speech you wrote, I said ‘Success, the real success, does not depend upon the position you hold but upon how you carry yourself in that position.’ This is a chance to back it up by sitting down. I always looked good in my red wagon.”

“That’s true, but I’m afraid the Ladies’ Temperance Union will say it’s about time you went on the wagon. I don’t know who writes their material, but they’re good at dry humor.”

“True. But they can’t hold a candle to you, Mr. Waxman.”

“Thank you, Mr. President. Okay, we’ll do it your way.

“I’ll arrange a press conference on the White House lawn. Instead of bourbon with peanuts and pretzels, we’ll serve milk with red, white and blue cupcakes. As the band plays 'Hail to the Chief' the Secretary of War will pull you up in your red wagon while you clutch your Teddy Bear.

“As the applause dies down and shutters click, you can sit majestically in your red wagon and snap off your favorite off-the-cuff quote for the benefit of pacifists, hawks and the press.

“Just a reminder, though, Sir: the correct quote is: ‘Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.’ The last time you used it, you made a Freudian slip with the ‘carry a big stick.’ The Times reported it as a penetrating remark."

“Bully program my good man. Just one thing more: While the band plays, ‘He’s a Jolly Good Fellow,’ you can announce that everybody gets to go home with an autographed Teddy Bear.”

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